Sex Walts & Other Stories

witsend

MIA
Book Reviewer
R12_CV said:
Let me get this out of the way first of all that I'm as straight as the four walls I'm sat within.

But, why do I have more gay close calls than hits with Swedish Kittens?

Your that guy from "Balls of Steel".

n12164928303_9862.jpg
 

R12_CV

Lantern Swinger
Ahh...so BR, it's a case of 'Mmm, so thats where 'e likes to put it!' then?!
**said with camp tone**

Back to thread;
There was the story of the really nice family I met in Brazil cafe in 84.
Beauty of SR mess-man is blue card, so off I go at ashore into Belem at lunchtime (alone) and whilst sat in a typical leaf covered cafe veranda, a seemingly welcoming family consisting of mum, dad and daughter invite me over to their table.
A couple of hours into the afternoon and after some meaningless discussion involving typical Brit sign language, the young girl (over 18....honest m'lord!) suddenly took me by the hand for a walk into town, and to her house that had about 30 bedrooms..! She then took me to her bedroom! Well the rest is history but what I want to know is; how all her sisters know who's room is who's and why she wanted 50 ickies..???

Anyway, 2 nights later and she was there in town again but this time I was with my oppo's and due to my limited finances couldn't give her a donation... so my bezzie oppo's had a whipround!!!

So thanks to the charitable efforts of my mates we teamed up to help those less fortunate than ourselves :)
 

thereverend

War Hero
I actually blew a golden oppurtunity to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a bird who was in Eastenders. Remember that lass who played the stripper a few years ago who ended up going out with one of the Asian fellas? Well she was part of some drama group up in Hull and was here for a fair while. She got to be quite good friends with a lass who goes out with a mate of mine who was in the same drama group. Anyhow, me old band played a gig for Alan McGee and Tim Burgess and me mate and his missus come and bring this lass from Eastenders with them. Come the early hours we're all sat around a table enjoying a few beverages, everythings going great and it looks like it's a dead cert. That is until I come out with the classic "**** me, now I know where I've seen you before, you was that tart in Eastenders wasn't you!". She left pretty shortly afterwards and I ended up going home with some loose chick instead.
 

thereverend

War Hero
Oh, and when I worked in a sex shop some tart offered me a blow job in exchange of a vibrator. Being the gent that I am I threw the batteries in with it.
 

seenoffteefcuk

War Hero
Here is mine
I had been weekenders back in hartlepool and had drunk more than Ollie Reed on a run ashore, on the sunday sat in Newcastle station bar waiting for train back to fassers starts talking to some posh looking elderly gent you know the type cravat, tweed jacket, brylcream etc.
He is spinning dits about his 100ft yacht etc saying he needs someone with a bit of mechanical nous to help him look after it also mentioning about 30 grand a year with free digs when hes in hotels etc.
On this pay bombshell i decided to mention i was a mechanical engineer in the RN and i am interested in a change of career.
Looking back on this he had already decided that i was not gay but i hadn't realised he was this is how it went .
HIM: Oh i dont think this position is suitable for you i have been advertising in my kind of lifestyle magazines.
ME: (thinking what a snob but for 30k per year i will try i was only a sprog after all) ok mate fair enough i am not quite what your looking for but i scrub up quite well la dee da and i have a Naval background and have met and worked with plenty of people of your lifestyle and found i integrate very well (still thinking snob).
HIM: Oh Really i am so sorry my GAYDAR must be seriously offset today well in that case here is my number give me a call when your next on leave.
ME: Stunned silence followed by EH? what the fcuk just happened then the barman saying you just convinced him you were a poof then me saying i thought he was just a posh cnut.
End result me and barman laughing like fcuk.
And NO i didn't call him.
 

scousesubmariner

Lantern Swinger
Have to say Nick, you kept that dit quiet didn't you? i don't remember you spinning that 1 in the george, i always wondered why you were so keen to get a job in that field
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
thereverend said:
I actually blew a golden oppurtunity to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a bird who was in Eastenders. Remember that lass who played the stripper a few years ago who ended up going out with one of the Asian fellas? Well she was part of some drama group up in Hull and was here for a fair while. She got to be quite good friends with a lass who goes out with a mate of mine who was in the same drama group. Anyhow, me old band played a gig for Alan McGee and Tim Burgess and me mate and his missus come and bring this lass from Eastenders with them. Come the early hours we're all sat around a table enjoying a few beverages, everythings going great and it looks like it's a dead cert. That is until I come out with the classic "* me, now I know where I've seen you before, you was that tart in Eastenders wasn't you!". She left pretty shortly afterwards and I ended up going home with some loose chick instead.

Bollix :D
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
thereverend said:
Oh, and when I worked in a sex shop some tart offered me a blow job in exchange of a vibrator. Being the gent that I am I threw the batteries in with it.

Did the batteries make your balls tingle?
 

thereverend

War Hero
WreckerL said:
thereverend said:
I actually blew a golden oppurtunity to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a bird who was in Eastenders. Remember that lass who played the stripper a few years ago who ended up going out with one of the Asian fellas? Well she was part of some drama group up in Hull and was here for a fair while. She got to be quite good friends with a lass who goes out with a mate of mine who was in the same drama group. Anyhow, me old band played a gig for Alan McGee and Tim Burgess and me mate and his missus come and bring this lass from Eastenders with them. Come the early hours we're all sat around a table enjoying a few beverages, everythings going great and it looks like it's a dead cert. That is until I come out with the classic "* me, now I know where I've seen you before, you was that tart in Eastenders wasn't you!". She left pretty shortly afterwards and I ended up going home with some loose chick instead.

Bollix :D

No shit fella, gen dit. I still have me mates take the piss out of me for it to this day.
 

thereverend

War Hero
WreckerL said:
thereverend said:
Oh, and when I worked in a sex shop some tart offered me a blow job in exchange of a vibrator. Being the gent that I am I threw the batteries in with it.

Did the batteries make your balls tingle?

No, but having her shove a finger up me arse just before I blew me load did. :D
 

Rumrat

War Hero
I went to a house warming party in Birmingham years ago and it was at the house of an old school oppo. (Female). One of her pals at school became a secretary on the Tiswas show, and she turned up with Chris Tal and that geezer who played Sandy Richardson in Crossroads. With them came oodles of yummy fanny.
Anyhow a couple of hours later I goes out the backyard for a lip lock with one of these birds and my oppo (Navy) who was with me has a bird over the water butt by the green house, giving here a tail end charlie. When he's finished and she stands upright and I clock her fizog, she looks really familiar. A couple of weeks later I'm watching the box and this bird is presenting a kids programme, except it ain't a woman. Oh dear poor Shiner never did excel in ship recognition. :oops:
I naturally was disgusted. 8O :wink: :twisted:
 
Top