Sex Walts & Other Stories

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Apr 4, 2010.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Sex walts. We've all met one. You know, that bloke down the pub who talks loudly about "That bird dancing at Spearmint Rhino who i took home and shagged into next week. She fucking loved it and is arranging a threesome with another lapdancer next week". Much like that bloke from the Inbetweeners. The sex walt will claim he has done the following deeds:

    1. A threesome with twins
    2. The mother/daughter combo
    3. An actress from Eastenders (who was proper filth)

    I was out the other night and while i was at the bar, i happened to earwig a conversation between two lads from East London, who were trying to outdo each other with sex walting. To be honest, it was laughable, but no harm was done. Listening to them reminded me of a true story of mine.

    When i was a regular, when i would come home for leave, me and the lads would bugger off to Bournemouth or Brighton for the weekend on the piss and looking for gash. On one Bournemouth trip, an oppo of mine and me got talking to two Scandinavian lasses. It was quite surprising they were still talking to us after my opening line:

    Me - "So where are you from? What accent is that?"
    Girl - "We are Finnish"
    Me - "You look a bit fattish to me love"

    Anyway, after a few drinks and after i cut around the dancefloor like Ian Dury with a lit cigarette down his back, the two Finns asked us if we would like to go back to their hotel. Clearly my moves had impressed them and they clearly wanted some squaddie cock. At the speed of a Catholic Priest hearing that the all boy choir is fair game, we headed off to their billet (I think it was called "Hotel D'Shite"). As soon as we got in the room, my oppo and i started to snog our conquests and things were moving along just fine. My Finn ( i can't remember her name) said to me "Would you like to see something exciting?" I thought she had one of the following things in mind:

    1. A magic trick
    2. Firing ping pong balls out of her clack
    3. Getting it on with her mate.

    It was option 3. She went over to her mate and peeled her off my oppo. They started to snog each other and started to rub each others charlies. My and my mucker could not believe our luck. We looked at each other and the thumbs up was given. All was going well, my one had her charlies (which were mahoosive) out while the other one was playing with them, when she looked up and said to us "Ok guys. You can go now".

    You fucking what?

    "Thanks guys, but we can take it from here. You can go now"

    Just my luck. Kicked out by two gorgeous lipstick lezzers and not even a hand job to show for it. Typical. However, the night ended with a bang. We went back to meet up with the rest of the lads and i trapped off with a munter who had more hair than Burt Reynolds. Irony is a fickle mistress.

    Any of you deviants have any sex walt stories or ones like mine?
     
  2. A) Perioded on (For the curious, it's kinda like a maroon red/ brown that streaks across your knob like a zebra)
    B) Slipping out and stubbing my cock on her gooch (Hurts far more than stubbing your toe)
    C) Precum turning into worrying orange splodges on the front of white boxers (Turns out it was something to do with fake tan, but worrying at the time)

    Admittedly, these are like, the opposite of the walt stories you're after, but hey, I'll throw 'em in to make you feel better about being kb'd by the Scandanavian.
     
  3. I've had A happen before, kinda burst the bubble apparently. Peeled off a strip and promptly got out of the car and threw up. Then took her home.
     
  4. Haaha, actually throwing up, I think that sums up the initial shock of looking down and going... 'wtf'!
     
  5. I haven't spoken to her since. Partly because of throwing up, mainly because she asked if we were together now and I laughed. Hard.
     
  6. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    When I get nervous my mouth engages before my brain has a chance to catch up.

    Many years ago I had to go to the dentist at the end of Kentish Town Road in North London just next to the Greek Cathedral on account of losing a filling in a freak "eating-a-bacon-sandwich-whilst-drunk" incident. Dentists make me nervous. I’m not skittish about going, I’m just not too keen on the INTENSE FECKIN' PAIN caused by all the injections and drilling. And those little balls of cotton they pack your cheek out with make me feel nauseous and strangely violated.

    So, I’m in the waiting room flicking through the Readers Digest, checking out the tits on the Aboriginal girls in this article I’d found, when my name gets called. Trembling slightly, I venture into the dentist’s office and spot the chair and the elderly dental nurse and the incredibly fit Spanish dentist with long silky black hair and a figure I’d have liked to ski down.

    "Hello," said the dentist.

    "Hello," I said, suddenly confused. I was feeling slightly aroused and petrified at the same time. I imagine this is what a male praying mantis feels like just before he shoots his insect junk, knowing he’s about to have his head chewed off (and not in a nice way).

    I sit in the chair, get a whiff of fit Spanish dentist’s perfume. It might’ve been the pink stuff they get you to swill your mouth out with, but sod it, it smelt good on her. Then she puts her arm on my shoulder and tells me to calm down with a little chuckle.

    "You look rigid!" she said.

    Instantly, I glance down at my cock – the little fella was sleeping, thank God. No tent pole toga action going on there. Getting a hard on while laying back in a dentist’s chair would just be, well, feckin' weird and uncalled for.

    "I just get a bit scared," I admitted. And then the fit Spanish dentist set about putting me at ease while she set up all the gear and started prodding round inside my gob with a little mirror, inadvertently rubbing her boobies on my arm. I tensed. Finally she reached for a syringe and my eyes went wide.

    "You’re going to feel a little prick in your mouth," she said.

    To which I instantly shot back: "I bet you say that to all the boys..." with a little chuckle. It went down like a pork spit roast with anthrax seasoning at a Jewish wedding served up by a couple of members of the Hitler Youth. As my dentist’s amiable smile turned sour, as if she was suddenly smelling the heady aroma given off by a skip load of used nappies smeared with cream cheese and left out in the sun for a few days to ripen, I quickly added: "Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?"

    So, let’s run through that again:

    Dentist: "You’re going to feel a little prick in your mouth."

    Me: "I bet you say that to all the boys... shouldn’t I be saying that to you?"


    It made absolutely no sense at all.

    I’d just alluded, in one incredibly fucked up sentence that this incredibly fit Spanish dentist was actually a lady boy complete with fully functioning pocket rocket and twin furry asteroid combo, and that ‘she’ enjoyed whipping down her pants and tea-bagging ‘her’ package in the mouths’ of her prostrate patients where they lay.

    And even as my brain processed this information I remembered what I’d followed this up with... namely, I’d suggested to this woman – this woman armed with a great big sodding needle and surrounded by enough torture equipment to make Genghis Khan’s japs eye weep with excitement in his grave – that I’d quite like to put my cock in her gob.

    And, as the silence intensified and became almost tangible, I realised the worst part of all. I’d admitted to this gorgeous vision of perfection that I had a "little prick"...

    Fit Spanish dentist sort of frowned down at me. She didn’t say another word.

    And she didn’t even wait for the novocaine to kick in properly before she started drilling. I think we were both a little embarrassed.

    I was out of there in fifteen minutes flat. Hurt like the proverbial mudder-fugger...

    PS: I go to a dentist over in Southsea now. His name's Dennis. We don't discuss putting 'cocks-in-mouths'. We're both happy with this arrangement.
     
  7. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Outstanding SPB. This is the stuff of legend. What we do need is a good Ladyboy sex walt story. I await with baited breath Monty & 2DD's contributions.
     
  8. So would you be interested in what happened to me and a famous actress from Coronation Street and her twin daughters. ?? It happened shortly after I had been arrested for saving a baby that had fallen onto a railway track. I'm not gonna bother saying, you [email protected] probably wouldn't believe it anyway :wink:
     
  9. SPB - That was a feckin classic.
     
  10. Not Ladyboy but an 'Other Story'...

    Let me get this out of the way first of all that I'm as straight as the four walls I'm sat within.

    But, why do I have more gay close calls than hits with Swedish Kittens?

    Torquay - Gay shop assistant wants to 'show me something special upstairs'... 8O

    Eastbourne - I'm desperate slash so visit the seafront public heads. Sensing that the two guys already stood inside were up-to-no-good, I lock myself in a trap. Deed done and just as I try to exit the cube the two of them suddenly try to push their way in with trollies round their thighs... 8O 8O

    Halifax Museum - A very camp Porter/Guide starts to tell me of some secret tunnels, waits for the wife to wonder off and asks if I'd like to see 'his' tunnel...!! 8O 8O 8O
     
  11. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Maybe all these people are on RR and have seen your avatar mucker :D
     
  12. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Your that guy from "Balls of Steel".

    [​IMG]
     
  13. Ahh...so BR, it's a case of 'Mmm, so thats where 'e likes to put it!' then?!
    **said with camp tone**

    Back to thread;
    There was the story of the really nice family I met in Brazil cafe in 84.
    Beauty of SR mess-man is blue card, so off I go at ashore into Belem at lunchtime (alone) and whilst sat in a typical leaf covered cafe veranda, a seemingly welcoming family consisting of mum, dad and daughter invite me over to their table.
    A couple of hours into the afternoon and after some meaningless discussion involving typical Brit sign language, the young girl (over 18....honest m'lord!) suddenly took me by the hand for a walk into town, and to her house that had about 30 bedrooms..! She then took me to her bedroom! Well the rest is history but what I want to know is; how all her sisters know who's room is who's and why she wanted 50 ickies..???

    Anyway, 2 nights later and she was there in town again but this time I was with my oppo's and due to my limited finances couldn't give her a donation... so my bezzie oppo's had a whipround!!!

    So thanks to the charitable efforts of my mates we teamed up to help those less fortunate than ourselves :)
     
  14. I actually blew a golden oppurtunity to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with a bird who was in Eastenders. Remember that lass who played the stripper a few years ago who ended up going out with one of the Asian fellas? Well she was part of some drama group up in Hull and was here for a fair while. She got to be quite good friends with a lass who goes out with a mate of mine who was in the same drama group. Anyhow, me old band played a gig for Alan McGee and Tim Burgess and me mate and his missus come and bring this lass from Eastenders with them. Come the early hours we're all sat around a table enjoying a few beverages, everythings going great and it looks like it's a dead cert. That is until I come out with the classic "Fuck me, now I know where I've seen you before, you was that tart in Eastenders wasn't you!". She left pretty shortly afterwards and I ended up going home with some loose chick instead.
     
  15. Oh, and when I worked in a sex shop some tart offered me a blow job in exchange of a vibrator. Being the gent that I am I threw the batteries in with it.
     
  16. I must say SPB that was fcuking hilarious
     
  17. Here is mine
    I had been weekenders back in hartlepool and had drunk more than Ollie Reed on a run ashore, on the sunday sat in Newcastle station bar waiting for train back to fassers starts talking to some posh looking elderly gent you know the type cravat, tweed jacket, brylcream etc.
    He is spinning dits about his 100ft yacht etc saying he needs someone with a bit of mechanical nous to help him look after it also mentioning about 30 grand a year with free digs when hes in hotels etc.
    On this pay bombshell i decided to mention i was a mechanical engineer in the RN and i am interested in a change of career.
    Looking back on this he had already decided that i was not gay but i hadn't realised he was this is how it went .
    HIM: Oh i dont think this position is suitable for you i have been advertising in my kind of lifestyle magazines.
    ME: (thinking what a snob but for 30k per year i will try i was only a sprog after all) ok mate fair enough i am not quite what your looking for but i scrub up quite well la dee da and i have a Naval background and have met and worked with plenty of people of your lifestyle and found i integrate very well (still thinking snob).
    HIM: Oh Really i am so sorry my GAYDAR must be seriously offset today well in that case here is my number give me a call when your next on leave.
    ME: Stunned silence followed by EH? what the fcuk just happened then the barman saying you just convinced him you were a poof then me saying i thought he was just a posh cnut.
    End result me and barman laughing like fcuk.
    And NO i didn't call him.
     
  18. Have to say Nick, you kept that dit quiet didn't you? i don't remember you spinning that 1 in the george, i always wondered why you were so keen to get a job in that field
     
  19. Bollix :D
     

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