Senior rates mess rules

Im about to pick up my rate after 14 glorious years serving scran through the counter. Along with treating myself of being a dual hatted caterer, ive also been penned in for a mess dinner three days after picking my rate up.

Ive read up on ease springs, and about the port not leaving the table, pouring for a lady sat next to you, the routine and other odds and sods.

Ive just got a few questions so i dont look a cock, are there any other random rules i must adhere to? I remember something about epaulettes under the nos 1s (i havent got mess undress yet) and obviously im not going to be the clown who has ten pints before sitting down. What kind of things would show me up? I just want to make a good first impression.

Any help would be appreciated as our mess pres isnt a fan of mine and as a coxn im sure he would take great pleasure in giving me shit.
Suss out who your table white rat is but as it's your first one you'll be stitched up anyway, pass the port to the left and don't worry about anything. It's not a mess dinner unless you get fined at least 1 bottle.
If you have had a few drams too many and don't wish to be seen staggering down the Burma Road to the heads piss in the mess sink; it was customary in my day but things may have changed.
Dont start eating before the top table starts eating. Basically, follow them...although caution should be observed as sometimes 'top table rules' apply which means they can do no wrong. Just sit back and enjoy.
Thanks. Were having it inboard, so i dont think i can get away with pissing in the sink. Good advice though!

Whats the crack with epaulettes under the nos 1s?

A asked a mate and he said the worlds best kept secret is the clipon bowtie with a proper one in your pocket for 'relaxed ties' later on. Im determined not to fall into a load of traps, but ive got a bottle ready, think ill just give it to the mess pres the day before to save getting up early the next day lol

As its a new mess, i dont know many people - so figuring any white rats will be nigh on impossible.
If you've got your 1's on, then you should have rate epaulettes on your shirt, thems the rules. Bit like when you take your woolly pully off, you should have your badges already on your shirt.

And don't pre-empt the'll get fined - probably.
Just make surre you don't fire off a party popper over the head of the guest of honour...

...especially if he's the US Naval Attache to the UK.

(Not that that could ever happen of course, and even if it did it wasn't me. Honest)
..............Or grab, twist and squeeze really hard, the port and starboard buttock (one of us either side) of the chap who is talking to HRH PoW.

Hi Dave G...........!
Ah the memories come flooding back YORK 1993 alongside Naples for New Year shithole place shithole ship, Mess Pres puts on 2 barrels at lunchtime downhill thereafter, jock fcukers bollocksed on free beer (surprise there eh) turned up for the dinner in various states of mess undress each wearing either Rangers or Celtic scarves didn't get passed the prawn cocktails before they were under the table beating fcuk out of each other. Still good laugh next morning for us non porridge wogs seeing the black eyes and split lips trying to get breakfast down there heathen necks


Lantern Swinger
Easy to say now but whats the worst that can happen? Have a laugh and try to blend in a bit and let the ships cocks hang themselves and get locked onto! Ive got the weakest bladder in NATO and cannot remember how many pint pots Ive pissed into under the table whilst the top table are spinning dits!
Never really liked the mess dinners that much especially ashore when the Pres would wheel out some pissy smelling old grunter who who regale about his boring fcuking boring career during the boring boring sixties, some notable exceptions Jamie M, Alan M, Roy C you know who you are and I have total respect, fcuking hoofing dits. Wish I had kept the port I so willingly got fined for maybe not I'd have pickled myself.

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