Self Harm.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, May 28, 2011.

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  1. Tonight I drank 11 cans of Carling export and then had a few shorts.
    Prior to this I had consumed an average size portion of a bolognaise type concoction served with pasta shells and cheese topping.
    I have never had this mixture of scran and alcohol before.
    I never want this mixture again as about an hour ago I backfired.
    The gaseous odour I expelled was what can only be described as obnoxious.
    It was not the type of fart that is instantaneous in its nausea inducing effect. It climbed by stealth up the inside of my cargo pants and when I went to stand and disturbed the waist band seal it burst forth and grabbed me.
    At first it arrived in the form of dead rats, but swiftly changed to a vomit inducing odour like rotting flesh topped with Gorgonzola.
    Initially the cat coughed, then stood up erect and with a short wail commenced to wretch in its basket, before attempting to do the hundred yard dash, which ended abruptly when it collided with the closed sliding doors.
    The wife on receiving her portion as it drifted stealthily across the lounge, tried to utter a curse, but this was cut short as the full aroma arrived and began ripping out her taste buds and attacking her nasal pipes.
    She kind of muttered and then got caught up in the rush for the door when the stench hit the rest of the gathered ensemble.
    I of course mouthed what the fuck is that smell and innocently joined the stampede for fresh air.
    As the crowed stood in the garden collectively asking who in hell did that? I casually stated that the cat had been unwell all week and did anyone observe how he had tried to vacate the premises just as the awful nasal assaulting venom had struck.
    All agreed what a filthy animal it is and the collective opinion at the present time is that such an animal should be put down.
    Christ hope they don't discover the truth, the vet hate's me as is.
  2. There were days in my past when I would have owned up to getting a room cleared

    Apart from that your obviously lowering your standards drinkin cheap Lager-------- or was it a freebie

  3. Not being a tinnie man, I would not know A from a crabs arse about larger, but when presented with ex Gratia, well it would be rude not to.
  4. Hey Rumrat get a job in stand up comedy. I for one would come,,,
  5. Steinlager+Carlsberg Elephant lager+Speight's Ale and a Chiken Bhuna = a very nasty stain on Blobbys flat's lounge carpet, a hand washed but not wrung out Polo shirt on the kitchen draining board and a pair of jeans in the fridge (WTF??).
    I also managed to prof Blobbys tobacco, but luckily I checked the pockets of my newly chilled jeans for once before chucking them in the washing machine.
    Even a hired carpet cleaning machine and 2x the directed amount of cleaning solution wouldn't fix the stain, any suggestions?
  6. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Use a sharp stanley knife to cut around the stain, move the setee and cut out a piece of carpet using the stained piece as a tenplate, swap the two bits over and fix using harry black maskers.....fixed
  7. Any chance next time you could bottle some of it and place it on Ebay? Reckon a few around the country may be interested in an old Jacks aroma.
    I'll pass!
  8. The war Office ordered me to Morrison's this morning to procure the washing powder thats on offer.
    When I pulled on the drive I opened the car door and then the urge overtook me again. There is a three and a half foot fence between my front garden and the neighbor.
    I opened the car door and dumped about 10 cubic ltrs of killer gass that still holds the strength of last nights effort. I was just congratulating myself that the eruption had taken place before entering the house, when up popped a survivor of last nights affray and said, "fuckin hell mate that cat's in your trousers."

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