Selection 11

The_Caretaker

War Hero
You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm.

......................................

What happened to the Pope when he visited Mount Olive?

- Popeye almost killed him.
.......................................

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

........................................

If God had meant for women to give blow jobs he wouldn't have given them teeth.

........................................

What's the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a call girl with the runs?

The clam shucker shucks between fits.

..........................................

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?


-You can't hear an enzyme.
...........................................

What do you call the child of a prostitute?


- A brothel sprout.
..........................................

What's the difference between "Hard" and "Dark"?


- It stays Dark all night
...........................................
What's the difference between an opera director and a baby?


-A baby sucks his fingers.
...........................................

A man moved to an Antarctica village beacause of his new job. This village had many men, but no women. After a few days, the man started getting horny. He asked his boss, "What do you guys do when you're horny here?"

The man told him, "We have a barrel with a hole in it. Here I'll show it to you." The boss then took him to the hole and told him to put his penis in the hole. The man did. After a few minutes the man took his penis out and was very satisfied.

He told his boss, "Wow! That was really great, I'm going to put my penis in the hole every day of the week!"

"Not Thursdays!" said the boss.

Confused, the man asked, "Why, what's wrong with Thursdays?"

The boss answered, "That's your day to be in the barrel!"

..............................................

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle. In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. "What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"

...............................................................
The economic recession had got him down. He turned to his wife and said, "You know, if you would learn how to cook, we could do without the maid."

"Yes," she retorted, "and if you would learn how to ****, we could do without the chauffeur."

...................................................................

The prayer of a Catholic girl:

"O Virgin Mother, thou who didst conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving."

..............................................
The athletic young man was practicing push-ups in the park. A drunk passed by, and stopped to watch for a minute. "Shay, Bud," he slurred, "what happened to your girl?"
 
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