Sea Stories

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by Leatherneck, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. The point of this topic is to share some "sea stories" as we call them in the US Naval forces.

    The intent is to start a thread that will provoke a smile or even a laugh.
    I just read a recent US study that said people who laugh a lot live longer. Besides it takes less effort to smile than to frown.

    No, I'm not taking over the site, I just feel more at home here than I do in American forces sites and I'm secretly turning British. I plan to correct the mistake of my ancestors by immigrating here.

    So have a go of it. Sailors and Marines, Guests, and Family members; British, Aussies, Canandians, French are all welcome to participate. No Sea Story, no worries, just share a story of something homorous. Good spelling is not a requirement (Id' have to dismiss mysefl). :thumright:
  2. You mean like the young lady who asked if the porpoises escorting us out of pompy were real?

    Or the time she was stood with grapling hook in one hand and the rope in the other and asked the killick seaman which end she should throw.
  3. Precisely mate. Just that made me smile. :thumright:
  4. New entry training at HMS St Vincent
    Week two
    Captains rounds,
    We had been trained how to tie a bowline around ones waist, for safety

    Two floors up, we had to clean the outside of the windows
    New entry xx xxxxx took up the duty, tied a perfect bowline around his waist, and secured the other end to a secure point, climbed out to clean the windows and slipped aaaaaaaargh no problem secure bowline
    Well there was a slight problem, he had the perfect bowline around his waist, and the other end well secured, only he left forty feet of line between the knots Oh dear,
    He survived but was crippled for months

    and there's more

    Jack McH
  5. HMS Antrim on a RAS, Taking on stores, the usual human chain, this time it was potatoes in half bags (1 cwt)
    You form a chain and sling one bag to the next in line and momentum builds up
    Radio op xxxxxx was at the top deck level at the hatch, grabs the bag and slings it along with himself down the hatch, (one broken leg and the other knee shattered) helo job off

    We sailed away to new adventures for eighteen months and he was heloed back on board about three weeks before or return to Pompey and open day to families and friends

    He had his Mum and Dad visit, then took them to the hatch to demonstrate to them what had happened to him, and in one swift move threw himself down the hatch again :)

    Oh the pain, one could laugh but his injuries were not funny

    Jack McHammocklashing and there is more
  6. LOL these stories are getting better and better. British humor is the best!
  7. Now my most embarassing experience (well one of them)

    HMS Bulwark, and duty watch
    There was a sponsored wheelchair push for The Leonard Cheshire homes

    I was duty so as there were not enough volunteers, I was detailed to push a wheelchair around the Flight deck, One could say I was not most enthusiastic

    After a while we had been lapped, and my chair occupant (an injured ww11 flying officer) commented, No problem sir, we will catch up

    So I took off at a trot jogging, only problem is wheelchairs in those days had large back wheels and very small front wheels, and fligh decks have aircraft tie down ring bolts

    At about six mph the front wheel of the chair hit a ring bolt, the chair stopped and the occupant (who had no upper limb movement) took off out of the chair hit the deck and vanished over the side (good job we had cargo nets out)
    We retrieved the damaged person and took ourselves to the the main flight deck lift, to drop down to sick bay

    The main flight deck lift has bells and whistles to alert EVERYONE it is decending, it was going ding ding ding siren siren siren ding ding ding

    EVERYONE was the assembled Admiral of the Fleet the Captain and all the dignataries attending the sponsored walk

    I still to this day have nightmares of this poor RAF Officer and the damage I caused him on what was supposed to be a fun day out, He landed face first at six mph with no way of protecting himself on a warship flight deck then bounced off over the side and recieved serious injuries worse than his previous burns

    It is both funny to see, but for myself I do still have nightmares of the day and feel so hurt myself that it was my young stupidity that caused all this stress to a WWII hero

    Jack McH
  8. Off course I have many more, but will let others post first and if needed post my pron moments

    Jack McHammocklashing RO9
  9. Thanks mates, these stories are brilliant. The stories are a good chuckle and a laugh out loud. Best of all I detect a hint of British humor.
  10. During a sea weekend on one of the hunts, we were tucking into a hearty dinner of pie and mash.

    One of the lads (who in four years had never EVER been to sea, not even for a day!!!) turned to the chef who was dining with us and proceeded to ask said chef "nice potatos, how do you get them so peppery?"

    I don't need to tell you the chefs response! :frustrated:

    Possibly the same weekend another chef was giving some of the newer recruits a brief of fire fighting FCP, BA etc etc. After he'd finished going through the brief he asked if there were any questions. One of the lads (since known as moron) piped up "erm, yes, how do you make an egg custard?" The chef just stared in disbelief. The lad carried on with "cos i baked one a school once and the teacher told us to bake it blind but i couldn't see a thing without my glasses on!"
  11. Duty watch HMS Bulwark
    Duty RO For Sunset on the Jack
    Pissing down with rain, so dressed in T shirt and bell bots flung on a burberry (dress of the day No2's) (full rig with red badges)

    Stood at the Jack Five minutes to sunset SIR!

    The rain stopped the dying Sun shone, and OOD announced OFF Burberry's
    Oh SHIT Trooped again

    I believe more RO's lost more pay and had more troopings due to bloody Colours and Sunset than any other matelot in the Mob

    Is this ceremonial still ongoing?

    Jack McH
  12. Silver Jubilee Fleet Review 1977: ARK Royal (the old one) is flagship, evrything done on her command via the Fleet broadcast.
    "All ships, this is FLAG - stand by for general message - stand by for SUNSET - 5-4-3-2-1, EXECUTE SUNSET".
    Couple of minutes later, 2 matelots, looking as if they don't care, hike the length of the ARK flight deck. and haul down the Jack and Ensign. What the Commonwealth and Foreign Navies made of the assorted screams of mirth and sarcastic comments of the RN submarine contingent are perhaps fortunately not recorded for posterity.................
  13. Now the Filth
    Entertaining a local lady in her accommodation in Lagos West Africa

    Unaware of the thirty pairs of hands and eyes of Jack hanging on the walls looking in, proceeded with the entertaining when the walls fall in, the hut collapses and we are left covered in dirt, roofing materials and thirty odd matelot's (brought the housedown :)
  14. Jay's Bar, Norfolk Va: Animal watch, as per custom, were duty first night in, opposite the LY SPEAR. The part trip watch advised us that Jay's Bar, right outside the gate, was a good spot for a DTS. So on relief, Animal Watch go ashore, hit Jay's and adopt a place of strategic importance, IE, the table immediately below the stage below where the topless go go dancers will entertain the troops. So while Jack is tossing all the ale he can lay his hands on, these nubile young ladies are strutting their stuff. Cousin Elmer, surprised that Jolly Jack has his eyes focused on the next whet, rather than the dancer's chests, passes comment on the British lack of interest. "Seen one pair of tits, seen 'em all" responds Jack, nose into the pitcher.
    "Well I've been to Greenock, Scotland, and Porsmouth, England, and you ain't got NO topless there".
    "Don't need WOMEN, we got a topless go go Killick steward- he'll be up in a bit".
    So up arrives Pete R-----, fresh from the wardroom cock'n'arse - puts "Brown Sugar" by the Rolling Stones on, and there he was, doing the Jagger bit - the pouting lips, the waving fists, and there was total amazement in the bar. "Wow, look at him go", was one of several comments passed, to which the rest of us responded "Oh, FFS, Pete's performing again" (having seen it in Faslane, Gib and all stations east). Gradually. he starts getting his kit off - "Oh my GAWD. he's taking his shirt off - why is he taking - oh my GAWD, he's taking his TROUSERS OFFF ! We'd agreed previously with the landlord that he wouldn't strip off totally, but one topless dancer turned around at the end of the record to find herself staring at a pair of eyes winking at her from the bottom of a 16 stone arse from Hull, that she never danced in front of our crew again. As for the Elmers, they couldn't believe it - we found it all very old hat - but in them very un-PC days, life was like that - and all the better for it...........
  15. well besides being from Leyland Lane ISA I was saved by the Arks crew in 76 in the standard in Torpoint one of my brothers was a baby tiff on there i was a baby sailor (4 weeks in the mob) and some one nicked my hat, after a few words from the Chief Stoker from the Ark( ithink heasked whether is pub or my hat was more important) my hat reappeared,so i was able to proceed back to HMS Raliegh fully dressed.

    that was before i discovered women

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