Scouse Watch

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by Nutty, Feb 4, 2009.

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  1. I really really like the first one.



    A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
    She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
    'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
    The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
    'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
    The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
    'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
    'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
    You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
    'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'


    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
    He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
    After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
    He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
    As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
    'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
    It's A Miracle.'
    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability.'


    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi , I'm looking for a job'.
    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'
    The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
    The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!


    Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
    It later turned out to be a tax disc


    Nutty
     
  2. HERO

    Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.

    Suddenly one of them is attacked by a Rottweiler which clamps
    its mouth around the kids neck. The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar, and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his friend is saved.

    This is all seen by a local newspaper reporter who sees a
    possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
    "That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now 'Heroic United fan risks life to save best friend'"

    "But I don't follow United" says the kid

    "Ok, how about 'Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiller to
    save his pal'"

    "But I don't follow City either" says the kid

    "Well who do you support" asks the reporter

    "Liverpool" he says

    "Even better" says the reporter "Scouser murders family pet
     
  3. Poor Scousey! I'll defend him to the last ounze of fat in my body! ;)
     
  4. OMG sounds painfull Thingy :roll: :roll: The ground bait is having no effect??? Ive gone deep as it is cold water, Summer time with a Mayfly!!! for the Mersey Goldfish :roll: :roll: :wink:
     
  5. The Mersey Goldfish.........

    You've been reading Ian Duhig's poetry under the duvet again. ;)

    Now here's a true Nipple Nibbling Mersey Goldfish, modelled by Scouse! :p

    [​IMG]
     
  6. There's some new Scouse Biscuits on the Market - Rafa Cakes.

    Best before January 2009 and the have a tendency to go to pieces in the cup.

    James.
     
  7. What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

    A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.
     
  8. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    I am a sailor in the Royal Navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a Liverpool bloke.
    My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes.
    I have two brothers, one who is serving a non-parole life sentence for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other is currently being held on remand in Wandsworth on charges of incest with his three children.
    I have recently become engaged to a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time “ working girl “ in a brothel in Kings Cross. However her time is limited as she has recently been diagnosed as being HIV. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking at the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry by working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would join the team as it would at least get them off the streets and the heroin.
    The problem is this, I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother in law being a scouser?
     
  9. No, oh no no! To do that may well spoil all your chances of becoming a self made man. She may be a prostitute but still wants a reasonable chance of finding the wheels on her car in the morning!
     
  10. 8) The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

    Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

    The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

    When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

    'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
    Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

    'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

    The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

    'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!' 8) 8)
     
  11. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: kinnell
     
  12. A lion in Chester Zoo was lying in the watery winter sun licking his arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, 'That's a docile old thing isn't it?'

    'No way', said the keeper, 'its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Liverpool Fan into the cage and completely devoured it!'

    'Hardly seems possible' said the astonished visitor.'

    Why is he lying there licking his arse?'

    'The poor thing is trying get the taste out of his mouth.'

    A young lad with funny hair and hat on asks his mum where his Liverpool top is. She replies "I washed it, and it's hanging outside on the line". The lad rushes out to see his shirt lying in the mud. "Mum, why is my Liverpool top on the deck, covered in mud"? His mum looks out of the window. "The thieving bastards", she says, "they've nicked my clothes pegs!"

    Yes, I am an Evertonian!!
     

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