Run with it (No topic just post any old dit)

There seems to be a shortage of dits on here and I am sure there must be thousands. So lets here them, no topic just dits.
Please :roll: :roll:
Here's one I posted on Arrse a while back:

A few years back, myself and one of my bezzie oppos from Raleigh where re-united for a course at HMS Collingwood. Having not seen Jack (that really is his name) for quite some time, as he had gone off to be a sun dodging submariner, we decided that a piss up was definitely on the cards. We started at a Wetherspoons in Fareham and before too much ale was consumed, we found ourselves talking to a couple of fairly attractive student types. Now Jack has a strong Jockanese accent and the girls were finding this very sweet and sexy, before long we had managed to invite ourselves to a party that they were having the following evening. We promised to meet them at their place the next day and Jack and I proceeded on a fairly un-eventful sesh, a few pints, watch the footy, kebab etc.

The next evening we donned our best pulling shirts, applied the Joop in a liberal manner and headed over to the girl's place to seal the deal. On arrival we were greeted by a couple of suspicious looking student lads, long hair, ripped jeans, mummy and daddy were paying their way, you know the sort. These two lads could clearly see that we were a threat and were probably planning to trap off with our birds.

Anyway the party was fairly tame with a sink full of cheap lager and a cd player knocking out some obscure crap that these lads had put on. Not the huge clungefest we had been expecting by any means. After an hour or two of listening to the girls rabbiting on about Big Brother or something, Jack decided it was time to liven up the proceedings somewhat.

He went upstairs for a few minutes while I entertained the girls with a couple of my best salty sea dits. A few minutes passed and Jack re-appeared wearing one of the girl's underwear over his clothes and with the biggest purple dildo I have ever seen sticking out of his flies. Now this thing wasn't your run of the mill, rocket shaped, vibrator. No this monster had flashing lights and was wobbling around, violently, like some sort of serpent. It obviously had some serious motors inside and it sounded like a hedge strimmer.
The girl who it belonged to went bright red and burst into tears while one of the student lads, like a knight in shining armour, rose up to defend his maiden's honour. After a stiff telling off and threats of violence from the youth, Jack could take no more of this jumped up little pr1ck and sparked him clean out. We decided it was probably time to leave and we made our excuses and left with Jack still wearing the underwear and holding his prize aloft like a sporting champion.

From time to time we would see the same girls around town, they never wanted to chat for some reason.


War Hero
I find I need little reminders to "bump" a dit memory, must be an age thing, like when I caught myself dribbling last tuesday, that reminded me of a wet fart in denims, (they still issued in the days of wearing combats in the galley?)
wet_blobby said:
I find I need little reminders to "bump" a dit memory, must be an age thing, like when I caught myself dribbling last tuesday, that reminded me of a wet fart in denims, (they still issued in the days of wearing combats in the galley?)
is the stain still there????
This is called "The right place at the wrong time"

I was captain of the gunhouse which was x turret on the Leopard (after turret),we were closed up at action stations when up the ice doing our cod war bit,anyway the order came from the ts that we the turrets crews could stand down for a little while and take a breather in the gunbay area,i asked the Pogi in the ts if i could come and collect some kai for the boys,he said yes but make it snappy,i bimbled orf down to the ops room cos i knew them little ferkers always had a flask of kai there,anyway as soon as i had finished topping up my flask from theres the ferkin skipper shouted down from the bridge "ok guns light her up for me please" guns who was a brilliant gunnery officer looked at me smiled ,winked and said to the ts "ok ts x turret 2 salvos starshell at my mark",as i am legging it out the ops room with the kai passed the skippers cabin down the main drag towards the gunbay i am screaming "CLOSE UP FOR FERKS SAKE STAND CLEAR HOIST AND RAMMERS START THE GEN SERV PUMP TURRET TO AUTO GET THEM FERKIN STAR SHELL UP IN THE GUN HOUSE NOW",as the order came to shoot i had just managed to flick the gun switches to fire,this enabled the current to flow to the cordite hence big bang ,starshell away,job done, 8) later on when we had stood down from action stations and talking to guns he just laughed and said "i knew you would do it "


Book Reviewer
The importance of proper handovers (previously posted on ARRSE a long time ago)

Many years ago when I were but a young fresh-faced junior flag-wagger in Her Majesty's Reserve Navy, I had cause to go to sea for the weekend on one of many sleek-grey-messengers-of-death (-to-own-crew : as a result of turning them inside out through sea-sickness!). Manning the comms dept this weekend were two trained comms staff on board - myself on the tactical comms ccts on the bridge and a colleague in the wireless orifice down below (that's inside downstairs for the green-jobs) as well as a complete novice. During the Saturday we received a signal that had been encrypted - running to the crypto safe my colleague duly retrieved all relevant pubs and proceeded to try to decrypt it. After half an hour he calls for assistance and myself and the trainee appear, but have no success (it later turned out to that the signal had been incorrectly encrypted). Being unable to offer any advice, I leave him trying and head off to the bridge to get a breath of fresh air (force 8-9 can be eaasily described as fresh) and do some flag-wagging type comms. Due to the increasing sea-state, my colleague decides to call it a day and heads off to try another round of the mal-de-mer weight loss plan, leaving the trainee (let's call him Gymbal-Guts) to keep an eye on the office. We return to shore the next day and conduct the hand-over with the permanent staff in the usual manner:

PS: "Everything OK?"
Crew: "Yes"
PS: "Anything missing?"
Crew: "No"
PS: "Fine, pass me that chit and I'll sign for it all"

Next day at work, I receive a phone call from a Chief in a panic - asking me about the crypto; I reported that I'd left the office before the decryptyion attempts had finished. He then asked me if I'd shredded anything, anything at all, especially any short bits of tape that were a different colour from the normal backroll tape. It turns out while my colleague had been off being sea-sick and I'd been on the bridge, Gymbal-Guts had taken it upon himself to do a little tidying and had shredded all the odd bits of paper resulting from the failed decrypt attempts, i.e. all the TP backroll and paper tape, including the current crypto segment. The Chief in question subsequently went through all the shreddy bags arising from that weekend and managed to convince his boss that there were enough shreddings of the appropriate colour to be evidence that the "missing" segment had been inadvertently shredded, and if you'll just sign here to witness its destruction, boss, you'll never have to buy another beer again! :)
We was at sea off singers and had had a new intake of OD's/JS just before sailing. Before they joined there had been loads of info put to the ships comp about a Nuclear /gas transit exercise, so when we went to sea and GAS GAS GAS was piped and the shut down ship began, little of the newbies realised it was an exercise.
As the exercise was drawing to an end and we were still closed up at emergency stations (between decks) the Skipper suddenly comes on the broadcast and says the usual...."First Lieutenant test for gas".

To add a little humour to a good and efficiently run exercise he adds..
"Throw a Junior out side the citadel"
So one sitting by me starts crying and legs it. (Safeguard.)
Took three hours for him to answer the pipes made for him. :twisted: :twisted: 8O :D
Granny just reminded me in another thread of a dit.

When I was at Whale Island I was a Quartermaster. So one night I phone the bird I am going out with, and she was a Pongo stationed at Queen Elizabeth Park in Gifford. Now apparently, pongos do not have tannoy systems in their barracks, so when I ask can I speak to musician........
I am told no they can not get her to the phone we will take a message.
I am asked who I am and because I am on the Internal phone (to tight to spend dollar on phone calls) I tell the Sarge at the other end its the quartermaster at Whale Island.
On the Friday next, I drive up to pick her up to go for a dirty weekend, and when I get to the gate and ask for her they fetch her to the front of the queue and sign her out, and as I drive out the gate all the guard salute me.
The bird is flabbergasted and asks me what did you tell them you are?
I said just the quartermaster Whale Island I said and she falls about laughing as in Pongo land the quartermaster is a Piggy wig. :oops: 8O :twisted: :wink:
:evil: Me and my oppo Dave trapped two Glasgow sisters on holiday on the Isle of Bute. 8) Mine did not work out but Dave banged his in the spud club :oops: and decided to do the right thing and marry :roll: He asked me to be his best man and on the appointed day we set off by taxi only to realise neither of us had bothered to find out the location of the church. :( So we toured the Charring cross area of Glasgow searching for a woe begone bride three months gone :wink: It was the same oppo when we were waiting for the liberty boat who said"Just nipping off for a slash" :roll: Vaulted the sea wall fell 25ft. and broke his leg. :lol: An overheard conversation that I will always treasure :) " I saw a shit hot singer on the box last night he sang that song Arseoles are cheap to day" :roll: You could not make it up! :D
NorwayChris said:
Rumrat i can still see myself sat on your knee down 3Emess on the Dev listening to some of these dits your telling now,ho hum ho hum those were good days, 8) :D
Talking of sitting on knees, was it you and Mad Dan who used to do that frikin hilarious ventriloquist act, if not who was it as I used to friggin cheese down with that. :D :D :D :D :D
I've got to post this one why the missus ain't about.

South Africa, and I gets forced into taking 14 days on Station leave, with this south African farmer and his wife. The Joss thinks its frigging hilarious shipping me off up into lion territory.
But when we gets to the farm 30,000 miles from nowhere, BINGO he has two daughters one's 15 and the other 18.
So the young one gives me a rifle, hands me a box of ammo and tells me we are going swimming, the pool is about one and a half miles in a straight flat line from the front of the house. In Between is long grass and a small hollow has the pool in it. So in we goes and we're skinny dippin and we ends up burying the snake.
Next day we are in the sitting room and I have my hand under her with a finger implanted when in comes dad. He cannot see the state of play, so starts yapping about woodwork. After about an hour, all feeling has left my hand except pain in my wrist which is unbearable. Anyway mom calls us all for big eats and he makes us all follow him into the kitchen where I cannot hold my fork as my hand is numb.
So big sister has come to the rescue, and as she is leaning over me, to cut my food up, we can both smell fanny and she starts laughing and making very awkward comments.
So later she comes and makes me a direct offer and of we go. Unfortunately after we finished and are having the obligatory fag, dad walks straight up, no noise and cops me red handed. He kicked the living shit out of me and that was the end of a good run. :cry: :cry: :cry: :oops: 8O
:twisted: Had the misfortune to be the Chiefs and PO's messman on a sweeper. They were all in all a great bunch but as usual there was this one jumped up PO who tended to make ones life a tad difficult.
As is usual or used to be usual, those going weekend leave from Edinburgh to Pompey were given a packed lunch.
This particular PO was one of those going weekend and he told me that amongst his packed lunch he wanted two Oranges. Being a conscientious messman I duly obliged.....
He ate both oranges whilst on the train from London to Portsmouth, the carriages didn't have a corridor and hence no toilet. He told me on Monday that he was taken short on the train and couldn't stop pissing, it was embarrasing and almost continuous until the following evening ruined his weekend and was there anything I could give him to stop it happening in the future!
I loved the use of the diuretic LASIX :wink:
Bloke I work with (ex Sun-dodger like myself), was getting a new kitchen fitted.
When all the units and sinks and white goods were in place, the
Electrician and his spotty apprentice came to call in order to wire up the
sockets for said goods/cooker and other stuff.
The Professional Electrician, screwdriver in hand, had told his boy to
shut off the supply at the consumer unit whilst he completed wiring up
the sockets in the kitchen. This, the apprentice duly did.
"Right!", spake the Electrician
"When I shout *Right!* again, I want you to put all the power back on!"

The word *RIGHT!* was shouted, and the spotty youth promptly turned
the electrical supply back on.

The Professional Electrician was then sent zooming around the kitchen,
in a sort of semi-smouldering bouncy-ball kind of way as his electrical
screwdriver linked him into the mains via way of the unfinished cooker
supply socket.

The electrician suffered this "Near Death" experience - not because
his apprentice was a dribbling lunatic who understood nothing........
but because my mates African Grey Parrot had screamed the word "RIGHT!*
from within the confines of his cage in the front room.

We were wiping up spilt tea, coffee and dunked digestives from
everything for a few hours after hearing this.
During BOST a while back some of the lads had come back shiters one night and decided to re-decorate one of the flats with left over kebab and cheesy chips. As a result the XO put a blanket ban on all big eats on board, this meant no deliveries of take aways, no pizzas on the gangway and certainly no bringing scran back onboard after a run ashore.

From then on in, every single time we came alongside there would always be about 5 take away mopeds on the jetty with scran that had mysteriously been ordered for the XO. You could always get some sprog to pipe ''XO, big eats, gangway.'' Which added to the joviality somewhat.

Eventually he lifted the ban just to stop all the take away firms from hunting him down and killing him.
Dits? You want some Dits? I’ve got more Dits than the PO Tel’s Morse Key!

True Dit, Scene: Greenies Mess Type 15 ‘UNWANTED’ Q Pier Portland Early 1964

DC Ship; but we had a 230v ac rabbit run from the EMR, especially for one of those new-fangled Televisions, second-hand, b & w, but nonetheless a novelty aboard at that time.

(The aerial run was a lashed-up rabbit run, too, and it was always quite a pantomime setting up the aerial for the best direction by tuning in for minimum snow/most acceptable ghosting).

Got the Picture? We rarely did because it was too much of a palaver……

Anyroad; one our JREMS, from Essex, was into the London music scene and he kept raving on about this new up & coming group whom he had seen perform live. They were to feature in the (then new) music show, ‘Top of the Pops’, which I think went out on a Sunday afternoon.

As this guy was sooooo enthusiastic we reluctantly agreed. So between us we dug this TV out and rigged up the aerial, especially for him and his ‘guitar demonstration’ programme.

We all settled down to watch it – but, just as his new ‘pop idols appeared’ so this old TV set mysteriously died.……..

Being greenies, of course we all rushed about helpfully trying to find the right fuse, and power was soon restored (by a pre-briefed confederate) but only just AFTER this new group had finished their turn.

What a shame……. Our poor baby JREM was almost in tears………A bit of blank week entertainment for the rest of us, though!

The group? Did I hear someone ask who this new group were?

……………Ah yes, I remember now; some scruffy smart-a**e upstarts called ‘The Rolling Stones’ or something like that. I often wonder whatever happened to them?

# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #

PS Previously, in ’63, that same ancient mess TV had been dusted down & lashed up to do service for the big Henry Cooper vs Cassius Clay (Mohammed Ali nowadays) fight at Wembley. Clay later said that Cooper "had hit him so hard that his ancestors in Africa felt it". But Clay still went on to win (apparently having gained his second wind after a delay whilst his dodgy gloves were changed).

So I was to lose a crispy pink 10/- shilling note on that result; ‘twas a lot of money in those days, with scrumpy being at around 10d per pint in real money. (That’s about 5p in this new decimal, getting-ready-for-europe, currency.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
1967/1968, when Faslane Base was taking over from MAIDSTONE: the new base had a built in system where you plugged the line in - instant TV from the aerial on the top of the fin. But you had to jiggle the aerial sometimes to get a decent picture. Football on the box one night, panic because there's a sh1ite picture. Someone remembers last night's duty watch got a perfect picture by putting a milk crate over the aerial, Picure turns to total sh1te, the REA goes up to check on it - dumbass sailor boy had stuck a milk crate on the aerial - but it was a plastic one !!
On a similar vein to Isadirty, in the 70's we also had snags getting a picture alongside in Guzz, especially when the crane moved. One Saturday I was on the cougar in the JR's mess whilst my oppo was in the fin tweaking the aerial. Kept having snags with the comms until we found a channel that worked perfectly. Unfortunately it turned out to be th MoD Plod emergency channel and they had patrols out round the dockyard trying to be find a foul mouthed hacked off rating hanging off an aerial somewhere.

They were not happy bunnies
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