Rumrats letter to Santa

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by MG Maniac, Dec 21, 2012.

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  1. Dear Santa,
    How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

    Merry Christmas,
    * *

    Dear RumRat.
    Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

    Merry Christmas,
    Santa Claus

    * *

    Mr. Claus,
    Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

    * *

    While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

    Very Truly Yours,
    S Claus

    * *

    Now look here Fat Man,
    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

    * *

    Listen Pizza Face,
    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny Gang-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

    S Clizzy

    * *

    Dear Santa,
    Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

    * *

    That's what I thought you little rat bastard.

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2012
    • Like Like x 5
  2. Fuck me at first I thought you were in collaboration with Wits, but as the epistle wore on and ended I knew it was not so.
    In the wits version I would have decked Santa and stood with my foot on his ass shouting "I am the Greatest". All this on the proviso my piss bag was not gushing and I could remember my lines.
    Other than that a pretty dam accurate description to my approach to slimy fat cunts who leave me gash pressies.
    PS. I couldn't use an X box if my life depended on it as I have them on the same list of "useful items" as thermal swimming trunks, cars, serial virginity and submariners.:thumright::icon_smile:
  3. .
    As the OP hasn't,

    credit where its due (exactly where is uncertain but not the IOW :evil4:):

    <<...I didn't write it [R1]. It's just going around for the holidays.

    by: Anonymous reply 2 12/12/2012 @ 01:10PM...>>

    Timmy vs. Santa
  4. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    How did you find that link?: "DataLounge - get your fix of gay gossip, news and pointless bitchery." :shock: :wink:
  5. Start a thread?
    Like your last one?
    We thought it was like a bank account, fuck all in it and very little interest.
  6. Elementary my dear Sgt. Peppa of the Porcine Yard,

    Perhaps a kindly colleague could read aloud to you the following?

    Proceeding about my lawful occasion I chanced upon a contribution in an unusual script which looked suspiciously unoriginal.

    Curious to ascertain and attribute the true and lawful origin of the OP's seasonal but 'iffy' correspondence I merely copied a line from it and Googled, as one is inclined to do in these modern times.

    Although it transpired that the link at Timmy vs. Santa did not unearth the original author my suspicions were confirmed as the OP had indeed neglected to acknowledge the source of this blatantly plagiarised material.

    That neglectful act indicated a possible transgression in the nature of 'passing-off' and/or 'a breach of copyright.' My primary intention in exposing that link was that RR should avoid messy and costly litigation.

    Furthermore, I believe that due credit has now been directed away from a certain offshore territory (allegedly notorious elsewhere as a hotbed of inbred imposters).

    An added bonus must surely be that of the outing of RumRat; a closet 'Timmy' indeed, which sobriquet had previously been unknown to anyone not of the 'BlackSmith' branch of his immediate aboriginal family.

    Naval Policeman? Bah - Don't they teach you dumb Crushers nuffink abaht Cyber Crime Detection these days?
  7. Blimey wits soliciting Bob?
    Trying to start your own Brat pack.
    Well done.
  8. Tough on the outside is it?
    Chin up.
  9. Why should it irk you so much, a bunch of blokes in Lil's having a fuckin good crack be it ever so childish.
    You seem to be getting really into it and for why? It does no one any harm and it's not compulsory to join in.
    It's 90% bullshit and 105 wishful thinking, but harmless.
    As Stirling said recently that isn't me but if anyone who has not met me thinks it is,....hey ho.
    And you used to be really funny and "neutral" why the big change?

  10. You just rose 100% in my estimation.
    Just please don't tell the cunts on here I had to beg, pledge three tots and do four subs, to get you to post that.
    It would humiliate me.
  11. Dear Santa,
    I know our last correspondence was not what you might call smooth but now we have straightened it out could I please ask you a special favour this Christmas.
    You see Santa there is this really bad man who lives near Manchester and he is not very nice to me.
    He keeps telling everyone that I have a nasty old car and he is always taking the Micky out of it.
    He says It is not worth a fiver and we all know it is.
    He says I am an ethnic minority which is not true at all, I am a black man and live approx 15 miles from Walsall.
    So please Santa when passing his house would it be too much to ask if you could take a dump down his chimney, or even in his central heating vent, as he correctly pointed out I am not fussy.
    Would you sell his cat to Wong's for me and if he has a dog could you give it to a really big hard case who lives near him.
    Please could you also give Bad CO an erection this year, as I felt so sorry for him last Christmas.
    I wrote to him to tell him my troubles trying to log in, he said he also had troubles and could not give a fuck.
    Keep it to yourself Santa but this year is going to be good for me.
    My boss is going to promote me.
    I heard him tell his wife "the way things are going Rumrat wont be a driver here much longer"
    Oh and before I go could I just apologize for that small misunderstanding last Christmas, but I was drunk.
    I didn't realise when you stumbled forwards that "Fuck me " was exasperation and not a request. Silly me.
    Love Rumrat.
  12. Dear Timmy,

    You know the rules - One letter c/w your wish list full stop.

    Now get those lights out and turn in otherwise all your presents will go straight to Finks again.


    PS Rudolf and his crew have just submitted a formal complaint regarding your cruel and obscene innuendos whilst I was delivering all your sex toys and that pernod flavoured rum last year.

    If you ever do that again you'll be off my Christmas Card list two-six, sunshine.
  13. Santa,
    That one sex toy you left had me puzzled. It was 10 inches long and just buzzed.
    I tried licking it but it tickled my tongue.
    Apart from that for all the good it was I might as well have stuck it up my arse.:D:oops::shock::
  14. Dear rumrat
    sorry about the mix up with the toy, the 19" ribbed "clydsdale" you ordered has been dispatched, the magazine, "cowboy builders" issue 29 "back filling" is not available in your area due to a misunderstanding on the part of the Tamworth gay community, normal deliveries will recommence when you are removed from the RSPCA's sex offenders list.

    Yours etc
  15. Well thank fuck for that some movement at last.
    Cheers Santa, at least I should have a happy new year.

  16. Dear Timmy,

    That was no sex Toy.

    Our records indicate that it was the prosthetic your OH ordered as your Christmas present.

    That 10" model (Pink- Caucasian) was only supplied because we were out of stock of that 4" model(Brown - Aboriginal, c/w warts) which she originally ordered for you.

  17. Tis true she did order the 4" as she is getting older and less able to cope.

    However I wish to remain decadent and after deliberation I have decided that it's fuck em all 4" is for losers and white men and this nigga ain't "Downsizing"

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