Good evening. Tonights evening news is brought to you by witsend. Top story. Royal Marine does a runner after getting his end away. An unknown Royal has duped an unsuspecting virgin in what is being tagged 'dirty rotten scoundrel'. Information is sought to identify this hero. Sgtpepperpig of the RN's Keystone cop branch is warning users to be on their gaurd due to the increase in internet sockpuppets. He warned "They are becoming more cleverer each day. Most of them are known members outted as mongs. These mongs then assume the identity of another mong which is a bizarre identity ruse". In health news it's being confirmed that 'Billynomates' has caught the disease Hommoitus after spending too much time hanging around that thingy thing over on the dark side of the internet. The big boss 'BCO' is said to be concerned about the spread of 'Hommoitus'. He commented "Normally BMN's posts links to phots, but this posting of cock shots is worrying". Defence news and this week the question 'Is it really that bad?' popped up. Fleet sprog on one side commenting the navy is on the bones of its arse and Monty on the other saying take a closer look at the benefits. Defence expert admiralsfluffer sat on the fence and blamed student life. Arts news and seafarer1939 is looking for funding to digitally enhance his 1965 9mm honeymoon flick. Entitled 'Bonking on Brighton beach' this rarely seen classic was a trailblazer for films such as 'Debbie does Dallas' and 'Animal farm'. Charity news and Chicojiz is on the march. London to Edinburgh in August, 400 miles in 14 days for H4H. The public appear to be sceptical after his last claim about rejoining the RN as a chef. It could be make or break for the young man. Sports news and the RNFT dominates the headlines. This reporter says "Fuck off cunts". The weather is brought to you by Blackrat sponsored by Black Maskers. "All quiet above RR UK. Some slight dribbling from the mongs over New Zealand. Expect next week to be unsettled".