Royston Ranter - freelance columnist. (An occasional look at the tabloids) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The messy f**kers can't be arsed to skirmish up their old newspapers when they've done with them, and so I've got an office that looks like Mister Trebus's f***ing front garden. So, before I ditch the f***ing lot, I might as well see what all the fuss is about. Just tripped over a copy of *The Daily Star - April 3rd 2010*. Let's have a gander at all the crap that's made the news then.. "Beep Test??? F***ing BEEP TEST??? - I'll f***ing piss that!!" (Daily Star Apr 3rd 2010) ============================================ A gym member has died after accidentally seeing off an "Energy Drink" that he had topped up with caffeine. Neil Molyneux, 33 - made up his pre-work-out-wet from what he thought was a protein supplement, but turned out to be 95 percent pure caffeine. His milkshake of doom was now 30 times over the safe dose. After gargling this delightful cocktail, prior to adjourning to the gymnasium, he bounced around his mothers kitchen for an hour or so like a rat on crack before finally realising that it "tasted funny", laying down and croaking. Mister Molyneux pet dog also had the misfortune to be offered the bowl in which this Red Bull from Hell concoction had been mixed in.......and sadly, Fido went off to the Great Big Dog Kennel in the Sky. Bolton Coroners Court recorded a verdict of "Accidental Death" in the case of Mr. Molyneux who was found dead in the kitchen by his mother. The Coroner in Bunda-Bunda, New South Wales, Australia also recorded a verdict of accidental death on Mr Molyneux' pet dog.......because that's where it finally stopped running, when it collided with a Termite Mound with fatal consequences. * * * * * * * * * * * * "All French people are bast**ds" (Daily Star Apr 3rd 2010) ======================= France has been voted the most unfriendly nation on the planet. The Frogs beat every other f**ker with relative ease. Them Germans came in second place, The Spaniards, Italians, Turks, Russians, Belgians, Portuguese, Chinese and Greek also figured in the top ten most miserable twunts on Earth. A spokes-person for www.OnePoll.com said: "We asked almost 3,000 Europeans, living here in Britain, just who they thought were the biggest pains in the arse....and the French came top of the list...." The country that gave the world Edith Piaf, Maurice Chevalier, Charles Aznavour, steaks made out of horse, 'Allo - 'Allo, and a shit-load of other stuff that's best forgotten has finally been rewarded for its contribution to mankind. "Lizzen.......I wheel zay ziss only once.....you French persons are meezerable fookerz..." * * * * * * * * * * * * "The exploding tit (Made in France)" (Daily Star Apr 3rd 2010) ========================= 1,000's of women may be "at risk" of having their artificial titties going BANG!. Experts fear that a "rogue silicon" (rogue silicon?) used in some fun-bag enhancing operations is at serious risk of bursting. The material - made by a FRENCH Company called Poly Implant Prothese (P.I.P.) could have been used in as many as 40,000 fake British babys bag-meals. France, itself banned the product f***ing years ago and Sweden banned it on April 2nd 2010. The British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons.....that's B.A.A.P.S. to you and I has urged any women who think that their knockers are made out of French Semtex should get in touch with the scalpel wielding fiend who performed the operation, to ascertain just what type of gunge was used to make 'em all perky and standy-uppy again. If, on attending your local plastic surgeons office - you happen to find your consultant sitting behind his desk, dressed like he's just walked off the set of *The Hurt Locker* - then I would hurry home and give the old man a final soapy tit-w*nk in the shower before going boom and blowing his balls off. One again.....thank you France. * * * * * * * * * * * * "Smokers are as thick as shit" (Daily Star Apr 3rd 2010) ====================== Smoking kills your I.Q. and can make you stupid. Men and young people are more likely to lose their brain power experts say. Men who smoke have an average I.Q. of 97 - that's seven digits below you normal mega-brained folk. Professor Mark Weiser, of Tel Aviv University, Israel said: "Oyyyy Veyyyy!! People on the lower end of the average I.Q. also tend to display poorer overall decision making skills when it comes to health". Errrr......right. So - when the firing squad stand some poor f**ker up against a wall and give him a ciggy....it's purely to make the stunned cnut stand perfectly still so that they can shoot him properly, because having a drag'll make him too f**king stupid to realise he's about to be slotted and he therefore will not do a f***ing runner. Now I understand. * * * * * * * * * * * * Regards, Royston Ranter.