Revenge on Seniors

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Oct 22, 2009.

Welcome to the Navy Net aka Rum Ration

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial RN website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Now this is a topic that could run and run.

    We've all been there. You know, that situation where you've been made to look a total and utter twat by one of your seniors/DS. Each person who has been in this situation has, in their head, planned revenge. I'll get you started.

    As Junior Leaders, we got our fair share of shite and beats (no childrens act as such in '89) from our DS, as we were the leaders of the future. A bit like Dan Dare if you will, but without the panache and the eyebrows (the crab cnut). On one field exercise (we spent virtually all our time in the field, hence the nickname "Cabbages") i fell foul of an evil Sergeant, who for OPSEC reasons will be known as Smith. Now Smith didn't like me, calling me a "Cocky London fucker" because of one incident, as follows.

    Imagine the scene, it's freezing on one of the Catterick training areas and young JL Cpl Blackrat is making a brew with his last packet of coffee. Smith comes over to me and says "Making a brew are we sonny?" I replied in the affirmative and he states "I can't find me mug" hinting that he wanted my brew. I was dead against giving him a swig as he was, in my opinion, an unclean type and had halitosis that could have revived a corpse. However, stating this outright would have been signing my death warrant. Politely i said " Would you like a bit Sgt?" to which he replied "Do bears shit in the woods?". Quick as flash i quipped "Not in these woods they don't!" Smith stared at me, growled, decked me with a straight right and walked off with my brew. 10 minutes later, he threw the mug back at me and it bounced off my head. Quite frankly, i was going to kill the fucker.

    Later that evening, i volunteered to do stag at 0200hrs as i had planned my revenge. Being on compo for the last three days, i had yet to vacate my bowels, and my body was telling me the time was imminent. At 0200hrs, i took up position in the forward trench and waited for around 10 minutes. I knew where Smith's basha was at the other end of the Platoon harbour area. As stealthy as a gurkha who needs one more ear to complete his necklace, i moved to the swines basha. Just outside his route in, i took off my webbing, laid my weapon upon it, dropped my combats and kecks and proceeded to curl out a nest of dogs eggs by his head.

    This is not as easy as it sounds. When you have a compo crap, your hoop stretches like someone who has attended a party with Barrymore and the cable you lay has the same dimensions as an Anaconda. It doesn't help when you are giggling inanely to yourself either. Anyhoo, i finished the deed and placed my used tissues into the boots of said Sgt Smith. Looking down, i was astounded to find that the thing i had just laid could have been hollowed out by Bear Grylls and used as a canoe. I moved back to my stag position and waited for the inevitable fall out.

    At stand to a few hours later, i could hear an almighty scream from the other end of the harbour area. It sounded like someone screaming "Which one of you cunts has put shit roll in my boots? Someone is going to die!" This was nothing to the noise of him exiting his basha with a scream of "Arrrrrggghhh! I've just put my hand in a massive shit. I'm going to find this fucker and kill him, so help me i will"

    Needless to say, no-one had the stones to own up, but everyone found it hilarious, even the other DS. I was still laughing when the fuckers tabbed us for ten miles in full kit.

    I feel better getting that off my chest now.

    Any other examples?
  2. Good god man you are a legend.
  3. A killick stoker on the Fife was foo foo mad, took him ages to dhoby nicks, socks, shower and then come down the mess at past midnight ( he was daywork) opening locker, pulling draws in and out, having a shower in foo foo all the time keeping the w/keepers awake.
    Then he would change his bedding, bottom bunk ( EVERYDAY ) and then shower the sheets in foo foo finally turning in about 0100.
    W/Keepers revenge was when he had finished foo fooing his pit he would nip to the heads for a piss before turning in, all that could swamped in his pit before he came back.
    He went crying to the Ch Stoker next day and within a week he had a pier head jump to another GMD.
  4. Sorry to be a pedant, but not they don't always. They sometimes shit on my mother's front lawn. This year it is a mummy bear and 3 cubs.

  5. Polar Bears don't.........

  6. Blackrat: Can't top that one mate!! Brilliant. Only one I can remember is the Chief Sparker in Mercury many years ago who was a complete....cnut. Had me in his sights from the time I walked through the main gate for my killicks course. Fcked me about everyday. I swore that If I ever saw this bastard in civvy life, his days would be over pronto. After leaving the Andrew many years later I was relating this story to an old friend of mine. He just replied that my wish had come true because the said Chief had died of cancer 2 years earlier.

    I laughed that much I nearly shti myself !!!! All good things come to those of fcku other's people's lives
  7. Nice one Blackrat :thumbright: Saw a windup that nearly went pearshaped. Had an SA who had blonde flowing locks, forever brushing his hair and standing in front of mirrors preening. One trip the troops had had enough and brought some Immac on board and laced his shampoo when he was on watch. Couple of days later his golden mane started coming out in lumps. He was near suicidal (literally) before the troops 'fessed up and told him. Cox'n and MA were relieved 'cos he was going through all the med books and diagnosing himself with all these diseases and demanding to be landed :lol:
  8. I've read that a couple of times to confirm that I read it right.

    You should be ashamed of yourself.
  9. Nice read Black Rat, I laughed so much the tears were rolling down my cheeks. As a result She who must be obeyed is convinced that I have definitely lost it.
  10. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Not mine but one of my mates.

    We were on a mahoosive armoured exercise in Germany, must have been around '92. Now this didn't bother me much because at the time i was employed in the recce role, which basically meant that i would swan around doing the square route of feck all and claim i lost comms due to Sporadic E. My mate, however, was running the Air Ops panzer at Brigade HQ. This was a major pain in the arse as he was surrounded by ruperts. At silly o clock one evening, he was sitting in the back of his panzer flicking through a copy of Lipstick Lesbains when a crab Squadron Leader burst in and stated "Operator. I need to contact the rear echelon urgently as Ginger has bought a packet over Vogelsang, Bunty Carstairs is bally ho McGinty wise and i have run out of brylcream and tash wax" (or words to that effect. I haven't a clue. I mean, who listens to crab Officers?) So my mucker gets out of the panzer and hands the handset over to Biggles.

    "While you're out there operator, make me a proper military brew. With two sugars" States the air warrior.

    "Right you are there boss" replies my mate and proceeds to stick the kettle on.

    While the water is boiling, my buddy places coffee and two sugars in the mug. Added to this goes the following:

    A dead fly
    Arse hair

    Once the water was boiled, the whole concocotion was stirred to perfection and handed over to Sqn Ldr Crabcunt. As he was still putting in an order for slippers, dressing gowns and ladyboys, the brew cooled somewhat, which led said rupert to drain it in one hit. My friend waited expectantly for the reaction which was:

    "Now THAT'S what i call a brew!" 8O
  11. Not soo much revenge on a senior, but revenge never the less. It's similar to the one above.

    It was when i was still at school, in a history lesson last thing on a Friday, and history teacher demanded our coursework so far to have a look at (lets just say mine wasnt quite up to scratch).

    Said teacher starts looking thought coursework......."Catton! You havn't done fcuk all! Your staying back". (Looking back, handing a blank piece of paper with my name on wasn't the best option).

    I reply "Ok". At which time im shifted into his office as he is having a chat with some other teacher.

    So i crack on with the work and a head pops round the corner, " I'm popping out for 5 minutes ".

    At which time i started to get a severe case of piss sting, now i thought leaving to go for a slash probably wasn't the best option, so i decided to wait.

    A few minutes passed and thought fcuk this im off, upon arising off the chair i spot history teachers kettle, look down the corridor, coast was clear so i proceed to drain the main vain into said kettle, knocked it off and sat back down and carried on with the work.

    Teacher comes back chucks a bottle of water on the side and says make me a cup of tea, milk, 1 sugar.

    Ok, so i necked as much of the water as possible and stuck the kettle on, made brew and delivered to the cnut, i mean history teacher.

    Takes a swig, not a word, at this point im literally in tears. I guess he never clicked on as i was sat there for another hour working giggling to myself. A week later literally everyone in the school knew about my antics, and i was glad i did it.

    I fcuking hated that cnut!
  12. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    For all of my career I was blessed with having pretty decent Marine Engineering Officers as my boss so it came as a surprise when my last one was a complete idiot, automatically promoted to Lt Cdr not on merit, but by technical qualifications & time served ashore causing a wake of disasters wherever he went. Amazingly, last heard he was a Commander again promoted to a place where he was less likely to serve on a ship & cause a morale-void.

    To this day I firmly believe was in the "funny handshake gang" as he systematically wriggled out of so many "investigations" regarding his incompetence that even the SIB referred to him as Harry Houdini.

    The troops despised this guy intensely & as the (unnamed) warship came out of refit & began Sea Acceptance Trials the MEO stopped all leave so that the Pre-Wet System was thouroughly flushed & checked-out prior to the seagoing trial the next week. Needless to say a few pipe-joints were thoroughly checked where a section of high pressure saltwater pipe passed through the MEO's cabin whilst he sat on his arse at home having gone weekend.

    Come the day of the races, "Open valve two" was piped over the main broadcast shortly followed by the joyous pipe: "Flood, Flood, Flood...Flood in the MEO's cabin" with a few stifled background guffaws clearly audible in the vicinity of HQ1. Cabin completely trashed.

    Seems my pesky stokers must've forgot to put a gasket in the pipework. A thorough investigation was conducted, but guess what? No-one could remember who completed that section of pipework- must've been "dockyard".

    Another successful trial completed, slab of beer duly delivered to the Stokers mess. :wink:
  13. Picture the scene, A class submarine with a CH.POLTO who was a complete Barsteward to his troops and when they were due a drop of shore leave he decided they should stay onboard and clean the battery. Unfortunately for the aforementioned git he, like all other Snr Rates, hung his number ones outside the midship ballast mess.
    One of his troops who shall remain nameless decided revenge was due and duly took a tube full of battery acid and smeared it on the seams of the said nos ones.
    Good old Chiefy went to put this suit on only to find that the sleeves dropped off and the other seams opened.
    Revenge was sweet.
    P.S. The greeny wot did it never got caught.
  14. i got a proper bite out of a coxn on boats i believe its a bit of a legend dit on boats now
    heres how it began.
    boat in guz for decommissioning, crew on easy times 2 weeks on 2 weeks off, me duty 1 in 3 sat in the rna with a few oppos and said coxn.
    coxn was a bit of a gash dit spinning twat who as old and fat and obnoxious he was was always trapping stunners ye right!
    we decided to give my phone number to the barmaid to give to him saying it was from the other barmaid(all parties were volunteers wich shows how much even the civvies disliked him).
    then i proceeded to lay it on thick comments like "fcuk sake billy(not real name) how do you do it the barmaid is quite fit and youre not blah blah blah.
    well the night carried on as usual more drink consumed more bullshit dits and me laying it on thick and the barmaid actively flirting with victim
    me and billy were the last to leave and as we were walking towards benbow towers hes texting and my phone vibrating billy carried on to the wo and srs block i went to my shared cabin and proceeded to tell all having a right old giggle while reading dirty texts from "bigboy" his choice of words not mine
    the next morning i was duty just as i got down the boat he started to send me photos of his "large manhood" again his words not mine just at that i had a vision bakesy(not real name) who was gun trot had just informed me he had trimmed his pubes and the barmaid was also a ginger i said right shipmate tuck your cock between your legs and let me take a phot and told him why obviously he accepted(again because no one liked said coxn) i proceeded to send said image happy days the wind up is well and trully underway.
    Untill coxn went into rna at opening times and tried to neck off with barmaid her screaming it was a wind up him automatically presuming it was me and going mental at everyone in pub including civvies then turning up on board next day and getting called big boy of the whole crew followed by a clear lower deck" if anyone calls me that again they will be punished in some way or another me getting a private bollocking for embarrassing him in front of ratings and delete them photos now.
    a good laugh was had by all except billy.

    bye the way john if your reading this

    Ha Ha
    Got ya
  15. Blackrat is my new role model :lol:
  17. I always gained a huge amount of satisfaction from ramming a dental aspirator down the throats of members of the regulating branch.....accidently on purpose.
  18. Correct me if I am wrong (I was, once) but I was always under the impression that SgtPBand & all fellow RN Policers always placed their Dental Care in the careful and more delicate hands of a Plastic Surgeon?
  19. Moulded into their own likeness?
  20. :twisted: Fang you every crutch, tre'

Share This Page