RAN Christmas Phone Message "Thank you for calling the Royal Australian Navy. I'm sorry, but all of our ships are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message including your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can get back to you. As soon as we've sorted out Timor, Iraq, Honiara, Bougainville, Somalia, the Persian Gulf patrolling the 'Top End' in search of illegal immigrants, marine poachers and intruders in our "Economic Exclusion Zone", rescuing insane lone yachties, Good Working Relations, Equity training, Senate inquiries and Leadership Conferences, we will return your call. Please leave your message after the tone or, if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers: If your crisis is small, and close to the Australian Coast, press #1 for the Australian Army. If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and five star accommodation, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press #2 for the Royal Australian Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or state of the art electronic warfare technology who can provide the required research and development funding. If your inquiry is NOT urgent please press #3 for the Rapid Deployment Force. If you are in real Hot trouble, please press #4 and your call will be routed to the Royal Australian Navy Maritime Command, the appropriate FEG, CDT3 or the Air Safety Cell. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent costs. Also be aware that the Department of Finance may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified. Further information may be obtained by calling 1800-Navy-Pay-Ha-Ha-Ha, your call will be placed in a queue and answered by the first available skier. If you are interested in joining the Navy, and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, and are prepared to work your bum off daily, risking your life for months, far from home and family, while watching the Australian Government erode your benefits, then please stay on line. Your call will eventually be connected to an indifferent, overpaid, civilian recruiter situated in a well appointed air conditioned office overlooking the sea who's been given the job based on his excellent credentials including the fact that his course notes included compulsory reading of Nicholas Montserratâ€™s "The Cruel Sea". Have a pleasant day and thank you again for contacting the Royal Australian Navy"