Purple Survival Exercise

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The SBS, the a Guards Regiments and the Royal Naval Police(Regulating Branch for the Old and Bold) are sent on a survival weekend together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SBS. They don their infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer.

Next up are the Guards Regiment. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and bloodcurdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the Reggies, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie: "sierra oscar lemur one, suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like asked you 5 hours ago!" So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.

The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the Reggies, holding the still handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer. The Jossman shoots a mean glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a fucking rabbit"



Lantern Swinger
I like these posts,

SAS man, SBS man and Booty on final selection for super secret duty. Whilst conducting jungle phase, RSM says "Right lads, there are 3 things you must know about before you set off: 1. Dont drink the local water as you will get disintary; 2. Dont shag the local girlies you'll catch the pox; and 3. If you come across the deadly yellow and black furry viper you must only aproach it from behind, grab its tail, run your hand along its length and FLICK your wrist and its head will pop off, Only way you can kill 'em. OK boys off you go see you all in 48 hours.

24 hours later SAS lads comes running out of the jungle screaming blue murder. The RSM says " whats wrong lofty? " Black Death replies "Found that there snake, no problems killed it clean, found a lassie and rooted her rotten. Got thirsty this morning so I had a drink now I cant stop shitting"

36 Hours in and the SBS guy runs out of the bush sratching his nads for all they are worth. " whats with you?" asks the RSM. " found a clear water spring and i've had loads to drink, came across yer snake thing, killed it quick, I was about to eat the blighter when this loverly young bird invited me into her hut for the night, wham bam thankyou ma'am the bitch has given me a dose"

48 hr mark passes with no sign of the Booty, another 48 is waited to see if he turns up. the RSM is just about to airlift out when he spys the Booty crawling out of the jungle, ripped to shreds. "My poor lad, WTF happend to you?" enquires the RSM. " well sir, I have been shagging this local bird for 3 days supping from a clear water spring, when i realised i was adrift i left to walk back, i came across that yellow and black furry snake you were on about. I crept up behind it, grabbed the tail, ran my hand along the whole length and with a massive flick i saw the biggest pair of tiger balls ever..."

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