Puns for Educated Minds

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by janner, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    These may exercise your mind - some may even make you smile.

    Puns for Educated Minds

    - A mans' home is his castle in a manor of speaking.

    - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    - Practice safe eating - always use condiments!

    - Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

    - A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

    - Dancing cheek to cheek is really a form of floor play

    - Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    - Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    - Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

    - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    - He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    - Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a

    - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    - Accupuncture is a jab well done.

    -When two egotists meet it's an I for an I.

    - A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two

    - What's the definition of a will? (Hint - It's a dead
    give away.)

    - She was engaged to a chap with a wooden leg but she
    broke it off.

    - A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    - If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    - With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    - The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully

    - You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    - Every calendar's days are numbered

    - A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine!

    - Money talks. Mine keeps saying 'Goodbye!"

    a.. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table
    was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    b.. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
    but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
    c.. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her
    d.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
    class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    e.. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll
    still be stationery.
    f.. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
    cited for littering.
    g.. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
    result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    h.. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    i.. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The
    police are looking into it.
    j.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    k.. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    l.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
    One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
    m.. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.
    n.. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
    'Keep off the Grass.'
    o.. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison
    was a small medium at large.
    p.. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper
    spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    q.. A backward poet writes inverse.
    r.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In
    feudalism it's your count that votes.
    s.. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste
    of religion.
    t.. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be
    in Seine .
    u.. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
    raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only
    one carrion allowed per passenger.'
    v.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to
    the other and says 'Dam!'
    w.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
    lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
    you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    x.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my
    electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes,
    I'm positive.'
    y.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
    Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
    z.. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
    with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No
    pun in ten did.
  2. Cheers Janner, enjoyed every one of those.

    Blackrat, just give us a shout when you need these explaining...
  3. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    You get to fuck you cross dressing sea hat. D'you think i'm stupid or something?

    Lab. PM me with what the fuck Janner is going on about please mate. i haven't got a fucking clue.
  4. A lack of education is nothing to be ashamed of my man. You've come a long way with your spelling; you've even spelt your expletives correctly - hoofin!
  5. Is an expletive a pletive that's died?
  6. Nah it's just F@#!$# off!

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