Pre deployment blues

#1
Hi all,
I'm new to this forum business, but I needed to see if I am the only one to have this trouble. My husband is in the military, we have 2 young children and our own house away from base which I run daily. He deploys in August for 7 months and is currently on 3 week pre-deployment leave. He has shocking mood swings, is lazy with the children , and at times is pretty horrid to me. I call it pre-deployment blues, but does anyone else suffer this kind f behaviour? I get very angry about it but not sure whether its a natural thing to make him leaving easier? HELP!!
 
G

guestm

Guest
#2
No. He sounds like a douche. Try rear party. It's a forum like this for 'other halves'. They may be a more sympathetic audience.
 

tiddlyoggy

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#4
Agree with Monty. Pre deployment leave should be about having a great time with family and friends before you go , not moping around feeling sorry for yourself. Tell him to zip up the man suit FFS.
 
#7
his 2nd since we have been married with children. I find it all very odd, and very frustrating. he doesnt really want me to leave his side and if i do he thinks im having an affair even though Im at work. grr. i have already told him to snap out of it, but he doesnt appear to see himself acting like this.
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
#8
his 2nd since we have been married with children. I find it all very odd, and very frustrating. he doesnt really want me to leave his side and if i do he thinks im having an affair even though Im at work. grr. i have already told him to snap out of it, but he doesnt appear to see himself acting like this.
Some times there are significant underlying issues that need addressing, sometimes it's simply because the individual is a hoop.

Pre-deployment can be a particularly tense time for all concerned, particularly the children if they are old enough to fully understand. There's no magic bullet but there are people to talk to on the above link if you click on the deployment tab - it's actually rather good. Deployment | Royal Navy

Good luck.
 
#9
thank you. he has said that he gets annoyed that we have no 'us' time, i think he forgets that we have little children. They rely on me and are my priority which he struggles with i think. he has only been home for 3 days so far and i would be happy if he deployed tomorrow tbh!
Some times there are significant underlying issues that need addressing, sometimes it's simply because the individual is a hoop.

Pre-deployment can be a particularly tense time for all concerned, particularly the children if they are old enough to fully understand. There's no magic bullet but there are people to talk to on the above link if you click on the deployment tab - it's actually rather good. Deployment | Royal Navy

Good luck.
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#10
As I was saying to someone else recently, to blame the Service or the nature of the job on problems in the relationship is unfair and disrespectful to the partner and everyone else serving, the thousands of people who can manage to maintain a long-distance relationship with that "special person". Or the random bunch of average ones (JOKE!) :wink:

Deploying is difficult for everyone; I would wager that actually it's harder for the partner remaining at home while t'other half is having a jolly on the beach somewhere. he is the one who is paying the bills, keeping the house clean, looking after the kids, wondering if everything is okay out there, coming back to an empty house every day. So if anything, mrssfshould be the one being grumpy and kicking off! I've heard too many late-night arguments because Mrs xxxx has seen photos of PO xxxx on the lash in Dubai on Twitface... :shock:

On the other hand, if he is blaming his behaviour on his forthcoming deployment then, as mentioned above, I think he has other issues that need to be resolved. Some of the OP's comments lead me to form an opinion of her husband's character and personality - none of which are unique to the Armed Forces. If he won't talk to the OP about it, then he should discuss it with someone else who can help. Bottling it up is not helpful to her or his colleagues on board (especially when/if he flips out with worry about what 'might' be happening at home). I appreciate people have varied and different ways of dealing with stress, but I would imagine that the OP's husband has anger management issues that should be addressed, before he causes long term harm to his relationship. That mrssf has come to RR to seek help and advice tells us - and should tell him - that her intentions are genuine and good. He should reciprocate by opening up about what is eating him up inside or MTFU.
 
#11
thank you for the advice. i do try and explain all this to him but apparently thats nagging. So now ive given up a bit really and put all my energies into the children, and now im accussed of being despondent.
As I was saying to someone else recently, to blame the Service or the nature of the job on problems in the relationship is unfair and disrespectful to the partner and everyone else serving, the thousands of people who can manage to maintain a long-distance relationship with that "special person". Or the random bunch of average ones (JOKE!) :wink:

Deploying is difficult for everyone; I would wager that actually it's harder for the partner remaining at home while t'other half is having a jolly on the beach somewhere. he is the one who is paying the bills, keeping the house clean, looking after the kids, wondering if everything is okay out there, coming back to an empty house every day. So if anything, mrssfshould be the one being grumpy and kicking off! I've heard too many late-night arguments because Mrs xxxx has seen photos of PO xxxx on the lash in Dubai on Twitface... :shock:

On the other hand, if he is blaming his behaviour on his forthcoming deployment then, as mentioned above, I think he has other issues that need to be resolved. Some of the OP's comments lead me to form an opinion of her husband's character and personality - none of which are unique to the Armed Forces. If he won't talk to the OP about it, then he should discuss it with someone else who can help. Bottling it up is not helpful to her or his colleagues on board (especially when/if he flips out with worry about what 'might' be happening at home). I appreciate people have varied and different ways of dealing with stress, but I would imagine that the OP's husband has anger management issues that should be addressed, before he causes long term harm to his relationship. That mrssf has come to RR to seek help and advice tells us - and should tell him - that her intentions are genuine and good. He should reciprocate by opening up about what is eating him up inside or MTFU.
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#12
I notice you are in Kent? While there is a distinct lack of naval assets in the Garden of England, there are other military units nearby, although you would normally come under the Eastern regional authority of the Naval Personnel & Family Service, based in Portsmouth:

NPFS Portsmouth Information Office
Room 6 - Orion Block
HMS Nelson Personnel Centre
HM Naval Base
Portsmouth
HANTS PO1 3HH
Email: [email protected]
Telephone/fax: 02392 722 151

If you prefer a one-to-one chat, there is an Army HIVE (Service Community Information Centre) in Canterbury. They will be able to provide you with compassionate advice and the necessary help, or put you in touch with the relevant authorities. Their information sheet is here and they have a drop-in centre:

Canterbury HIVE
Thistle-Dhu Community Centre
Howe Barracks
Talavera Road
Canterbury CT1 1TQ


There is also a great handbook for families produced by the Naval Families Federation here: http://www.nff.org.uk/pdfdocs/rn_resrves_familiesguide_aug04.pdf
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
#16
To be honest, your other half sounds like a bit of a cheesyhelm. Deploying is part of the job, the massive pansy. If i were you, as soon as he's gone i'd drop the kids off at a relatives and go out on the piss and have it large. Sounds like you need it.
 

tiddlyoggy

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#19
How old is your other half mrssf? He sounds very insecure. Has he deployed since you had the children? Fatherhood can have a huge impact on a man's state of mind , he may feel pushed out, hence the insecurity.
 
#20
Hey...guess what ;-)
Dare i ask what? :p i am guessing you are confessing to being the not so proud owner of your own cheesy helmet? ;)

To the thread starter, as has been said the 'rear party' messageboards are quite good and likely you'll find people who have been through the same kinda thing. I can't offer any advice personally but hope that all is well :)
 
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