Piss take

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by NotmeChief, Jan 27, 2008.

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  1. Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo.

    Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter
    Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are
    asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted
    on an International Tourism Website.
    Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

    Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
    A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and
    watch them die.

    Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
    A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

    Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
    A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
    A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

    Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
    A: What, did your last slave die?

    Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

    Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
    A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
    A: No, we don't stink.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
    A: Only at Thanksgiving.

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
    A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
    A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

  2. Lol...I'm not surprised at all....used to visit Boston a lot (our Christmas shopping trips...) and they would ask the silliest questions, and yet if they would only look at a map....sheesh.

    The "it's always cold and snowing up there" is what gets me, you get the Yanks coming across the border at Windsor Ont, (which is more Southerly then Boston and Seattle) with ski's on their roof racks going..."where's the snow"?.... :hockey: :rendeer:

    It's colder in Duluth Minnesota then most parts of Southern Canada.... :thumright:
  3. Just like in the Falklands, The yanks ask whats in the Mine fields?
  4. True or not, it looks like it is being changed to suit the sender, plus I suppose they all add their little bit of garnish.
  5. Sadly though from personal experience, a lot of these pat Q & A's are true, regardless of the country involved, even when they show up here in Halifax on a cruise liner out of Miami, it's like hey you guy's talk English, we thought everyone in Canada spoke French (excuse me while I puke... :pukel: ), or they get miffed when we charge them by the litre and not the gallon.

    Growing up here in Canada, I learned in school more about the US Civil War then probably most Americans did, I also had to learn the 50 states and their capitals, don't know why our history took a back seat at the time.

    Most Americans would be hard pressed to name 3 of our Provinces, let alone some of the Capitals....they are not interested in what's beyond their borders, and that's just for the World, a lot of the Americans could care less about what goes on in other States...in their own fecking country.... :rambo: Unless Tom Cruise went there of course or the latest episode of Paris Hiltons life.... :dwarf:
  6. Like GR I too get asked some weird questions. I often wonder where do these people come from? Mars?

    [Answers in squared brackets: comments/things I should like to have said]

    MY favourites from the past few months have been...

    My cat's just scratched me! Can you help?
    [Eh? :roll: ]

    Can you pass this message on to Gordon Brown?
    [I can give you his contact details...]
    No, I want YOU to tell Gordon Brown!

    Can I speak to the Queen please?
    [Tempted to say: Can I help you? ;) ]

    I am the Queen....
    [Deep male voice complaining about local council services :lol:

    Thingy [where I work] how can I help you? [in my usual male voice]
    Are you Queen Elizabeth?
    [ :roll: ]

    Can you put me through to the Taoiseach?
    [I pointed out that that was the Irish Prime Minister]
    Yes, can you put me through to the Taoiseach.

    Do you have a Department of Love? [...Neggers!]
    I think you should have a Department of Love. Could you tell Gordon Brown that I suggested it? [Er no!]

    And all too often...

    I've been given an essay to write on.... by my teacher. Can you... [do my homework for me]? :mad:

    I'm doing my PhD on... Can you tell me where I can get all the information from?
    [Don't these people learn how to do research/ask their university librarian to do a literature search, before doing post-graduate study these days??!! o_O :evil: ]
  7. Just tell them that we pay pickers good rates during the harvest.

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