War Hero
Writer Mailey, Ship’s Office.

Also had a YO join us by sea boat. Due to various reasons half his kit was dropped over the side. Some wisecrack piped “Anyone wishing to buy some Wet Suits, report to Mid ****â€. I don’t think he saw the funny side.


War Hero
MEA T Cleaver report to the main galley.

I was QM at Culdrose & had to pipe "the bedding store is now open & will remain open until 1900" unfortunately I got stuck on the remain part, it came out like "will rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, sod it stay open"
GCYZ said:
During OOW manoeuvres, by 1st Lt, in response to lack of warning pipe from OOW and crash of crockery from galley- "the ship has just altered course to port and did roll".
OOWs manouvres always happened during 6pm supper for the JRs but a straight course at 8pm wardroom dinner :!: , and not forgetting being on the upper deck in whites when stokes decided to blow soot without informing bridge into changing course :x
"Will the ship's tennis team please return all rackets to the PTI, and balls to the Master at Arms". Cue one BM almost thrown off the flight deck by a very angry Joss....


During an NBCD exercise:

"The Fire in the MCR has been extinguished. A centurion has been posted"

The image of a big burly Roman with a shield going 'can't come in here - there's been a fire' is rather appealing really...

Deleted 7

QM was on his 'break' at 4am one saturday morning and the BM was on the phone to his misses!

Any how, a drunken MEM stumbled up the gangway and the next thing you heard in a drunken slur;

'All females on watch, prepare for 1ZA lock down!'

Nopt only was the CO onboard that morning but he had a mess full of women gunning for his head!


Lantern Swinger
from the phantom piper "do you hear there, the officer of the day is gay that is all"

The NAFFI is now open and shall remain open until it closes

Seman Staines bedding store Seman Staines


Lantern Swinger
On The Cleopatra circa 1952 QM in broad Scottish accent, "Away seaboots crew and dinna forget your oilskins"


War Hero
Ark Royal, early '90s. During a major exercise a Chief had been tasked with injecting some realism into the proceedings by seeing if he could create a little mayhem. He succeeded in his brief. He managed to get hold of one of the Main Boradcast mikes, and his first pipe was something along the lines of:

"Safe Guard,, Safe Guard, Safe Guard! Abandon Ship! Abandon Ship!"

As people our wondering WTF?, 1st Lt comes on the Main Broadcast saying:

"This is the 1st Lt - Disregard the last order!"

Chief comes up "No, I'm the 1st Lt! That man is an imposter. We have been severly damaged, Abandon Ship!"

He was found eventually. If anyone was onboard and has a better recollection post it - this I heard from someone onboard at the time.


Sounds rather like the old mess dinner refrain:

"Those who wish may, on as many counts as they may wish"


Lantern Swinger
Heard from a sceptic destroyer; pipe for defaulters to muster outside the Reg Office - "All you bad guys muster outside the sheriff's office" !!!!
higthepig said:
Heard in in singers,from yank destroyer,Liberty guys to glamourise,muster by the after fantail.
The version I heard was "Liberty guys to glamourise,muster abaft the after smoke-stack"

One I used on Tenby when QM was, "Call the hands, Call the hands, Call the hands, Off Cocks on Socks, stow yer smelly pits"

Jack_the_veteran said:
Just a couple
"Jack Blair, trendy menswear is now in attendance on the jetty, AB ***** jetty"
A slight variation of the same pipe I heard last week in Pompey dockyard (the AB has been promoted, methinks!)-

"Louis Bernard international designer menswear is now in attendance on the jetty ...... CPOs mess, jetty!"


This one got me into a bit of trouble in the fez when QM on a carrier, with our air supply broken down in the wheelhouse and the bridge enjoying lotsa cool breeze, I called up the bridge...........

"Fridge Geenhouse"

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