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Not a gen funny one but:

*Smoke detector alarm goes off in HQ1*

'Smoke detector activated in ****, SSEP investigate and report back to HQ1'

Few minutes later

'D'ye hear there, the last alarm was a false alarm, it was caused by smoke'

We all just dissolved laughing.


Lantern Swinger
Not entirely appropriate, but when I went on board the Stena Inspector down south, I heard a pipe " Would the next person to come by the bridge please bring a box of matches "
made me laugh


War Hero
HMS Ark Royal circa 1986ish, young lad Able Seaman Seady joins ship.

For days afterwards "ABCD report to ..........." followed by persistant giggling from the QM.

Deleted 7

BM on gangway, you'd get to see who paired off with who. The next morning we'd pipe;

'OM Smith and MEM Blake, Sick bay'

Also, I was down in the mess lounging about as on duty RF one weekend. The next thing you heard was;

'Safe guard Safe guard safe guard, Intruder on upper deck'

Along with a fit of panic from the BM, who was also very new to naval life.

There was us rushing for our gear then the on watch QM piped;

'Stand down RF, its the OOD in PT rig!' Followed by alot of giggling!


Lantern Swinger
At a Dorset airstation:
"Testing the tannoy from the main gate. 1,2,3,4,5,5,4,3,2,1 test complete"
This carried on for a fair while the lad was getting a bit tired of the repetition so tried to vary it
"Testing the tannoy from the main gate A,B,C,D,E,E, D, errrr 5,4,3,2,1 test complete"
The entire airstation collapsed with laughter.


Lantern Swinger
Duty Senior Rate walking in to the Pembroke Club, late 60's/

"Is the Duty Seaman Gunner here?"

Gonorrhoea - get it?
"OM Gallagher - OASIS Maintainer - Gangway"

"AB Seady. EFG" (Had no idea there was actually an AB Seady!). QM spent hours wondering what the EFG was on board!

"MEM Biffin. Bridge" (you have to be a fan of Roger's Profanisaurus for that one!).

"PO Tato. Caterer's Store"

"PO Laroid, ship's photographer, gangway".



Lantern Swinger
During OOW manoeuvres, by 1st Lt, in response to lack of warning pipe from OOW and crash of crockery from galley- "the ship has just altered course to port and did roll".


Lantern Swinger
We had some comics among the QMs/BMs on Zulu - whenever there was a pipe to be made that wasn't routine or mundane, one of them would stand a few feet from the microphone and = just as the other one was going to make the 'pipe' - he'd say something along the lines of "This'll cheer 'em up", "This'll go down like a lead parachute" or "Gawd, he's in deep".

Deleted 7

We had a lass who would actually pipe a shipper's nickname rather than their surname. So her watches use to consist of;

'OM Jumper, stores/ OM Smudge, 4.5 mag' - The amount of times the CHOPS(M) would bollock her, it never actually sunk in!

Our Buffer was a right wind up so when an young OM asked if he could teach her the 'call the hands' pipe, he jumped to the chance. However, her version of call the hands was actually pipe down!

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