piles

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by johne, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. They are driving me nuts. Every morning,going for a dump is agony. As for wiping my arse :shock:
    Tried all the creams. When that itch starts, usually in a supermarket. I try not to but the hand reaches round
    for total relief for 2 seconds ( very embarassing )
    Anyone got any remmedies ?
     
  2. Soldering iron?
     

  3. Watch out for side effects, it didn't do Edward II any good.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Cut them off. Simples.
     
  5. Sandpaper..
     
  6. Emery cloth is better than sandpaper, once the big chalfonts have gone you can reduce to fine grade wet and dry for that nice clean shiny surface.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Wire brush and Dettol,works wonders.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  8. I think I saw a "haemorroid removal blow pipe kit" on ebay........or was it Amazon?

    Coat and Taxi.......
     
  9. No offence doc. :salut:
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2013
  10. Unknown.jpg

    Not absolutely the correct equipment but it might work.
     
  11. Them pummel stones for for your feet?
     
  12. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    In response to the OP, I would suggest that all anal action should cease forthwith until the symptoms clear up.

    And next time, ensure you use sufficient lube or else your rusty bullet hole will end up looking like the opening credits to "Bonanza"...
     
  13. John

    If it's that bad, it might be best to just ring up for an appointment with your GP.
     
  14. Actually he was being quite helpful ... go see your GP and get them to refer you and get them removed!
     
  15. If you're going to fucking be like that then I'll dispense with the local anaesthetic and scalpel and use a rusty grapefruit spoon. Ungrateful bastard!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Stick your Tadger in a Mixture of Lemon Juice Cillit Bang and Tabasco Sauce - It'll take the focus of the Farmers and you wont have to reach as far to scratch...
     
  17. Best one so far...I like it.
     
  18. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    @historyweird: c.1740: Leeches attached to hemorrhoids must be "diligently watched", as they often escape into the anus and must be "drawn out with salt".
     
  19. Salt is used to remove tape worm, the hoste has no fluids for days, and eats salty food, then squats over a bowl of water, when the worm pops out for a drink, grab it and tie a knot in its neck so it cant go back in.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  20. Classic! LMAO! ... and yet another new keyboard!
     

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