Peter Kay Jokes

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by watch_and_shoot, Dec 28, 2006.

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  1. Peter Kay's Theories....

    1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ''Guess'' on it. I said,
    Thyroid problem?

    2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then
    I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
    asked him to forgive me.

    3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife
    to go swimming.

    4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
    get on with my real ladder.

    5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
    names, But one day I turned to my bullies and said: ''Sticks and stones
    may break my bones but names will never hurt me,'' and it worked!
    From then on it was sticks and stones all the way.

    6) My Dad used to say ''always fight fire with fire,'' which is
    probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

    7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
    better have a good hand.

    8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
    said ''Are you going to help?'' I said ''No, Six should be enough.''

    9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
    of meat?

    10)I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
    and give the wrong answers.

    11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.



    Peter Kay's questions...

    1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

    2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
    to the core of the earth?

    3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

    5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
    is stand up and say, ''My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic''?

    6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    7. Why does mineral water that ''has trickled through mountains for
    centuries'' have a ''use by'' date?

    8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
    horrible crisp that no one would eat?

    9. Is ''French kissing'' in France just called ''kissing''?

    10.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ''I think I'll
    squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?''

    11.What do people in China call their good plates?

    12.Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
    don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    13.Why is a person that handles your money called a ''Broker''?

    14.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    15.Why is it that when someone tells you that there are "over a billion stars
    inthe universe," you believe them, but if they tell you"watch out this is wet paint,"
    you have to touch it to make sure?

    16.Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
    mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

    Peter Kay's Universal Truths

    1)Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
    2)At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
    3)One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
    your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

    4)You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

    5)Everyone who grew up in the 80''s has entered the digits 55378008
    into a calculator.

    6)Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

    7)You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
    have a fire in your back garden.

    8)Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

    9)You never know where to look when eating a banana.

    10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

    11)Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

    12)the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
    your teacher mum or dad.

    13)Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half
    way through and then raced against the flush.

    14)It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

    15)You never ever run out of salt.

    16)here's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
    got your hand or head stuck in something.

    17)No one knows where the metal coat hangers in their cupboards
    were first obtained from, or has any memory of buying them.

    18)Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
    their arm broken by a swan.

    19)the most painful household incident is wearing socks and
    stepping on an upturned plug.

    20)People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

    21)You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
    of wood specifically to stir paint with.



    Spenny
     
  2. Good one Spenny!! :D :D :D :D :D :D
     
  3. At last....a quality post on here!!!!!!
     

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