Persistant Nose Crippler

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Blackrat, Apr 15, 2011.

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  1. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I was minding my own business on the tube this morning, when i felt the familiar rumbling in my guts warning me that wind needed to be broken. This was not unexpected, as the night before i had stuffed myself with more chilli than a family of fat Mexicans. There were a fair few of my fellow commuters in the carriage so a pant ripper was out of the question. Using my years of training, i let fly a stealth pump that would have made a cold war spy proud.

    Unfortunately, the stench was akin to a dead dog that had been used as a latrine by dysentery victims and left in the sun to cook. To be honest, it brought tears to my eyes and made the corners for a Verucca treatment poster curl up and go brown. It was that dense that i could actually see it travelling down the carriage, reminding me of black and white footage of gas warfare on the Somme. Like this footage, i was intrigued to see what kind of damage it would inflict. I was not to be dissapointed.

    Victim number one was seen to twitch his nostrils and then to actually look around the floor, as if a shit house rat had crawled on and died by his feet. Victim number two did me a favour by wafting it around even more with his copy of the Metro, so much so that it woke up victim number three, who said out loud "Christ!" and looked around him all confused, as if waking in the middle of a nightmare. The crowning glory though was the female who went to walk on the carriage at Bond Street, sniffed, and walked straight off again looking horrified.

    In keeping with my kind nature, i let another off at the bottom of the escalators at Westminster. It was heavier than air and lingered like nerve agent at the bottom, while i chuckled watching people walk through it retching, as i rose higher.

    I feel much happier now. Please share your similar stories.
  2. First let me congratulate you (in a highly developed slimy sycophantic manner) on your achievement.
    I find very few nowadays have the nerve and the talent to achieve this kind of perfection. It is truly an art form to deliver whilst maintaining innocence, during this admirable event.
    I hope you may have the stamina for a re run at home time and if so please do inform us of the ensuing results.

    A fan, Staffordshire.
  3. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Most kind Rummers, but i have yet to reach the dizzy heights of one of my oppos.

    He managed to get two blokes from 5 Armoured Workshops to punch the shit out of each other with one of his. How? Let me elaborate:

    (Vinny is at the bar in a German Gasthaus standing next to three mahoosive spanner wankers and lets one fly and retreats to a safe distance)

    SW 1 - "Jesus sunshine. Your fucking arse stinks"
    SW 2 - "Yeah shitty kecks. Have you been eating roadkill?"
    SW 3 - "Fuck off you pair of cunts, i ain't shat"
    SW 2 - "Lying fucker. Your arse breath could curdle milk"
    SW 3 - "It wasn't me you cock"
    SW2 - "Cock am i? Fucking sprog. Eat fist"

    (Cue pagga with Blackrat and Vinny looking on in disbelief)
  4. Whilst never being able to match Blackers I did have cause to let rip an SBV (silent but violent) at a mates wedding many years ago.Having been out the night before and possibly over imbibing the local brew, followed by the obligatory pancake roll chips and curry sauce,I was feeling somewhat the worse for wear when we were sitting in the church.My gut rumblings weren't helped by the wafts of cheap perfume, faintly reminiscent of drain cleaner, drifting from the mother of the bride who was sat across the aisle.
    Without even the slightest body roll I let rip with the SBV and aided by the fact that I was still 1/2 pissed managed to keep a straight face as,what looked like pale green steam rolled slowly down the aisle. First the page boy looked round and laughed and then one of the bridesmaids turned green and ran for the door.Within seconds there were more accusing glances but mostly pointed at the old granny in the wheelchair that someone had fortunately parked nearby.As she was approx 103 no one had the temerity to say anything so I was able to walk free.
    I did of course own up at the piss up afterwards and was applauded for the self control I had shown.The only downside was the bridesmaid gave me slap for making her puke over her satin shoes.(apparently the stain never came out)
  5. T-H


    From a motoring forum that I visit:

  6. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    When I was going through a fitness phase a few years ago, I would try to push myself quite far in terms of exercise. I used to go after work so I had longer to train. The gym was great because it used to provide all the clothes and stuff to wear so I didn’t need to bring anything with me.

    I was doing some bench presses (on my own which is bad, but there you go) and I strained so much that I did a poo. A half solid poo. Unfortunately, as I wasn’t wearing underwear 'cos I would sweat too much and then need to change them, my poo flew straight out of the gap in my shorts and onto the floor. Worse, this was accompanied by a very loud raspberry. People who didn’t have headphones turned to look at me. Some people came over to stare and be disgusted. I honestly thought I had snapped my farting strings.

    My entire body was incandescently red with embarrassment. What was even worse is that I couldn’t lift the weights back onto the hook due to being shit-fit weakened. So I was trying very hard to get the weight from my neck and onto the hook so I could run away in shame, loads of people watching, nobody wanting to help because, let’s be honest, I was a public shitter.

    Then it happened again.

    This was more diarrhoea now, and I had managed to pump my slurry even further. It hit the closest girl watching in the eye.

    I put the weight back on the hook. Cringed my way into a standing position, then pushed my way past the crowd, and ran away. As I left, I glanced back to the bench. There was a good half-metre trail of excrement from ground zero where I was lying down, to where the poo finally landed. Some less than stout-hearted people were crying. No one said a word.

    I left my stuff there, ran home, and never went back.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Motoring forum?????? Sounds like my kind of car club:-D
  8. Sgtpepperband, thats the funniest thing i have ever read. Im rolling over crying, well done!
  9. Well done ffs. He blushed and ran away.A stoker would have finished his reps and walked casually to the bar, without getting changed.:-D
  10. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    I've told this tale before, but, I'll bore you all again.

    There I was after a night on the p1ss and takeaways stood patiently with my cousin, who'd just left the Black Watch, waiting for the lift doors to open at the bottom of the Empire State Building.

    They opened, 25 Germans rushed in, myself and the jock bimbled in, the doors shut.

    I dropped the most horrendous, sh1t stink going.

    I immidiately scanned the lift, I homed my disaproval stare at the weakest looking German trapped in it with me..... He started to get worried when his fellow countrymen followed my gaze and gave him the "you smelly twat" look.

    It was all going well until "Yer a foockin dirrtee bastard" from my cousin directed straight at me. 65 floors later we changed lifts....
  11. My beloved wife is often heard leaving the lounge muttering at the top of her lungs "That's just wrong!"
    I believe that Blobbs can testify that my farts have even turned, the admittedly weak, stomach of an ex FFA Aircraft Handler. Bonus.
  12. Is it just me or does AJCJ come across as a Astra driving Crabfat blanket stacker masquerading as an Audi S4 driving fighter pilot?
    Top Gun more like Top Cock.
  13. NZB,

    Read it though a second time - But substituting that cutie's gender from 'her' to 'him'.

    For a Crabfat blanket stacker it'll make more sense and you will feel better in no time at all.
  14. Aye, summertime so I am in shorts,vest and flip flops, DTS then round to my mates for barbie and a few cans, back to local to finish the day. Combination of ale, greasy barbie and more ale I followed through, about a pint of liquid shite on the pub floor
    landlord points to the door. Ran as fast as I could home in said flip flops, shower and change
    back in the pub for last orders.
  15. In the local WMC, bingo is on and the place is hushed save for the caller ''Maggies den, number 10'', I let one go and it was a real rasper, all the bingo players lifted their heads from their tickets momentarily to see me with my hand raised, black looks from commitee members, even blacker looks from the rest as they thought I was claiming a full house on only 20 numbers drawn.
  16. Sitting in my chair reading my wife decided to get her own back,walked over and dropped a small one in front of me.
    I thought "I'll show her!" so I proceeded to let go a ripper of tremendous noise and splurts.
    Unfortunately I couldn't stop it! I sat there and tried casually to walk out of the room legs apart,climbing the stairs was torture as it was still coming out! took me ten minutes.
    Finally sitting on the bog I dropped the shreddies to see someone had emptied the contents of a septic tank in them.
    Bollocks!it took some cleaning,ditched the shreddies in a carrier bag for the tip.
    Told the wife later and she still creases up over it.
    She said "I thought it was a quiet week,I could hear you drop a very quiet little one then gradually get back to normal over the week as I was a bit nervous of that happening again.
    Bloody wives,I was happy reading until she decided to act.
  17. Whilst standing by the Brilliant in Glasgow, we were accommodated at a rather nice guest house, winter time in Glasgow is not a particularly
    warm place and some of the crew did suffer rather nasty bouts of chest infections,aided no doubt by their intake of full strength tickler and an over indulgence in alcohol. Those three combined are not the ideal travelling companions to have when you're on the early morning dockyard bus to Scotstoun.
    On the upper deck of the bus that particular morning was a rather attractive young lady with her equally attractive friend, all were firmly wedged in between the narrow seats by other dour Scots labourours en route to the dockyard. The atmosphere was not entirely conducive to health and it seemed that not only the matelots were coughing, the blonde two seats down seemed to have a minor cough.
    Rather sadly, I coughed, and half a lung of sputum flew a good two to three seats down the bus, and landed on the hand of one of the ladies who had recently coughed....she didn't notice it at first, which was rather suprising as this large amount of sputum was grey in colour ,warm moist and warm and was pulsating as if it had a lung of its own. Once she did notice it she looked horrified covered it with her own hand and then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. ?She then raised her hand up to her mouth and with the strength of a salvage pump suked her hand dry. Made me feel quite unwell.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2011
    • Like Like x 1
  18. :laughing2: Classic Dit, Tre-Lawnmower, but - Me Too!! :pukel:
  19. That is fuckin rank, you dirty matelot bastard.
    It's the kind of thing get's us a bad name.

    Ashamed of Staffordshire.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2011
  20. I do apologise for upsetting your day Shippers, just the retelling of it still weighs heavily on my soul. If its any consolation to you I did have to get off the bus at the next stop and walk the rest of the way. Now thats penance. Surely this one pales into insignificance when compared to some of your exploits

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