Pearly Gates.


Lantern Swinger
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented,
"Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Ya, that was me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal of inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,
"Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention":
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Four gypsies were killed when thier overloaded tranny flatbed went over a cliff.
Arriving at the pearly gates they explained what had just occured to St Peter and he told them to come back in an hour while he asked God if they could come in.
An hour passed and St Peter sez to God ''They've gone''

''What, the pikies''?

''No, the fcuking gates''
Mr Smith dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates to be confronted by St Peter with his clip board.

St P "Who are you"
Mr S "Mr Smith"
St P "Don't be a ********* all your after life, christian name and address"
Mr S "James Smith, 14 Gassiot Way, North Cheam"
St P "Here we are in you come, seems you have been a really good boy on earth and you have a gold star by you name which means you can choose anything you like to help you enjoy Heaven"
Mr S "Anything"
St P "Yes anything have a think about it, birds booze, cars whatever"
Mr S "OK St Peter I want a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren Roadster go faster set of wheels, I only ever had a Ford Focus before"
St P "Round the corner its waiting for you, Colbalt Blue OK, keys are in it"
Mr S "Thanks very Much, what about fuel, tax, insurance, Old Bill etc"
St P "This is heaven do not worry go and enjoy"

Smiffy hops into his new motor and roars off into the clouds he drops it into third and slides into a long left hand bend round a bit of cumulus and he comes out into the straight on his tail is a Blue and Yellow Traffic Patrol Car, blue light on siren blaring. Our hero is pulled over and nicked for doing 180mph in Heaven. When the Copper has finished straight back to the Pearly Gates.

Mr S "St Peter have I got a bone to pick with you, I have just been nicked for doing 180 in Heaven, you said not rules or coppers"
St P "Was the copper an old git with a white beard"
Mr S "Yes"
St P "Don't worry, thats GOD sometimes he likes to thinks he is a Traffic Policeman"

Print this story onto a card and hand to the next Traffic Cop that stops you he will laugh and let you off, certain.

Four nuns are queuing outside the Pearly Gates. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

"Why did you push ahead of the queue?" asked Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
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