I'm big enough and ugly enough to take any amount of constructive criticism, but - "gerra life you wally" 'aint going to make me want to clamber up to the top of Saltash Bridge and f***ing throw myself off it. I like writing stuff that may entertain folk (ex and serving) who watch flag draped coffins coming slowly out of the back of aircraft every f***ing week.
Cheers Slim for your input....this story shall continue, and thanks to everyone who's barmy enough to realise that it's just the product of a warped mind.
In the words of that well know Jock Poet Robbie Burns.
One of his lesser known works, for my mate Arfur.
(Say it in a Jockanese accent)
"If at first - you do not succeed"
"Pull yae foreskin over yae heed"
"And yodel through yae dodel"
CPO(Coxswain)(Wizard)(SM) Marlin and Civilian (Bag-of-shit)(1st Class) Potter stood for a minute or so in the dead cat festooned front garden of young orphan Potters house. The two Red Devils remained motionless, hovering approximately ten feet in the air. Pansy gawked at the ancient machines - their wheels glowing a soft pink in the grey gloom of a wet and windy Chigwell morning.
"What the f**k is that ?", uttered Pansy, pointing at one of the floating pinky-red things.
Coxswain Marlin flicked his cigarette butt away and turned to face his frightened companion.
"That....", he began,
"Is something akin to what my dear wife was when she wasn't a member of the Wizardly undead and she was sort of doing the rounds of Royal Naval Shore Bases as a Stores Accountant.........".
"Come again?", said Pansy
"It's a fu**ing BIKE!"
Coxswain Marlin shook his manky head and more beetles, worms and maggots tumbled out of his enormous beard. He started to chuckle quietly, and then he began to roar with uncontrolled laughter. He commenced to tell Pansy Potter all about his dearest darling wife.
"Now SHE was a bit of a slapper in those days", said he.
"Once went through every member of the Portsmouth, Plymouth AND Fleet Air Arm Field Gun Teams in between runs at Earls Court she did, when she volunteered for the Loan Draft there.....mind you - her stint at WImbledon one year is the one that'll go down in f***ing history....."
"I hate tennis, it's boring", said Pansy, trying his best to seem cool and unconcerned about his completely crazy predicament.
Coxswain Marlin apeared not to hear Pansys remark.
"Aye - Wimbledon. Never the same after that.............apparently, it's the only blow job Cliff Richards' ever had....AND she got him to autograph the top of her hat whilst she was latched on to his curp."
"You what?", said Pansy.
Coxswain Spike Marlins brain returned from wherever it had been back to the here and now. He glowered at Pansy.
"You tell any f***er anything about what I've just said and I'll wave this thing...", he nodded at his magical wheel-spanner,
"And I shall turn your bollocks inside-out, ever so slowly over the period of about a fortnight...comprende?"
Pansy nodded his head furiously. This bloke was an utter nutter and no mistake.
"I can do it y'know, I can, piece of piss it is, just wave it about a bit say some stuff and hey-presto!...your nut-sack starts to twist and turn and pulsate and throb and, and, and.......it's not nice I can tell you, alright?" The Coxswain continued to gibber and mutter to himself.
Pansy was in complete agreement. The Coxswains sanity returned. Pansy Potter promised never to tell anyone just what the grocers ex-wren wife had been like. Pansy secretly wished he had somehow met her and been on the receiving end of some good old sex. Pansy Potter was still a virgin......however, Pansy Potter would (in the future), meet up with the Coxswains Zombie ex wren wife and Pansy would then get his cherry popped. Big style.
"ANYHOW! Time to get onboard........RED DEMON - UNLEVITATUM!", yelled the 'Swain.
One of the bikes magically lowered itself to ground level.
"Well? Get on the f***ing thing then!".
Pansy wasn't about to argue with his undead nemesis, and he straddled the bicycle. It was of solid construction and the seat was wide and hard but surprisingly comfortable. The bike then started to vibrate gently and Pansy could hear the sound of soft, pleasant music. The old bicycle lifted itself about three feet skywards and hovered. Pansy was comforted by the soft tinkling music and the gentle vibrations from the framework soothed his worried body.
"Good eh?", spoke the Coxswain
"Errr.......not bad actually......quite comfy for something as old as this as well", said Pansy.
The Coxswain mounted his own bike as it came to rest an inch above the garden lawn.
"The soothing effect and vibrating and nice music and pleasant colours are a sort of *add-on* because they help the Nozzers cope.........."
Pansy looked puzzled.
"Cope with what exactly?..,...and what the f**k is a nozzer?""
Coxswain Spike Marlin bared his rotten teeth in a hideous grin. His own bike started to rise up into the early morning sunrise.
Both bikes floated silently upwards. Pansy grasped the handlebars ever more tighter.
"You ever watched Star Trek Potter?"
"Best series on the telly", he replied.
"Then you must have seen Mister Spock doing that Vulcan Mind meld when he does that thing to aliens and gets into their brains to get information?"
"Yes, 'course I have - what's that to do with anything?"
"Well...", added the hovering Chief Petty Officer
"Like I said, you've got a f***ing lot to learn and it's better you get it all learned before we get back to HMS WARTHOG......you've got to be a qualified submariner before your feet touch the f***ing casing, so instead of a Vulcan Mind Meld, you'll have to settle for a Red Devil Arse Weld I'm afraid".
Pansy looked at the grocer, and the grocer looked at Pansy.
The Coxswain shook his magic wheel spanner.
"Nozzer Darmus Taskus Bookuss!"
Pansy would have quite possibly said,
"Oh F**k F**k F**k F**k!!!!", continuously for the rest of his flight to HMS WARTHOG but he never got the chance.
The bicycle seat he had been sitting on just disappeared, vanished.....p-u-f-f-f-f-f-f and the tube that the seat had once been attached to, tore through the seat of his soggy trousers and started to hurtle up his rectum. Pansys eyes bulged outwards and pathetic little piglet like squeals burst forth from his mouth.
The Coxswain started to explain the procedure to the now heavily impaled Potter.
"You and The Red Devil are now as one!"
The stainless steel tubing continued on its way upwards. Pansys ultra soprano screams shattered all the upstairs bedroom windows in his former home.
"You Potter and the Red Devil of all Knowledge are now a single entity, and the Red Devil of all Knowledge shall now impart to you by way of nerves going from your arse to your brain - everything you need to know about living and working on a Diesel Electric Submarine!
We don't have the time for you to go through a f***ing Task Book and all that Sea Dad bollocks".
The Coxswain glanced at his watch.
"I'm afraid that this was the only solution. It'll hurt for about....six hours...."
The two red bikes shot skywards and turned North. Pansy was now held firmly to his own bicycle by about a foot and a half of stainless steel tubing. All of a sudden his brain started to flood with diagrams of Hydraulic systems, High pressure air systems. Ventilation States, Bulkhead Door shutdown procedures, Red grenades, Green grenades, SSE's, Escape Compartment Drills,O2 generators, Slop Drain and Sewage, LP Tanksides, Main Vents, Masts and Periscopes...........a f***ing million pictures, words, diagrams and practicals were hurtling through his head as the Red Devil of all Knowledge pumped submarine information into him via his vastly overstretched ring piece. He was absorbing all this anally imparted learning at a startling rate.
"Think yourself lucky the WARTHOG isn't a bomber..........training takes about six MONTHS at best.......", said the Coxswain as they both sped North on an appointment with destiny.
The Red Devils sped onwards, reaching an absolutely incredible speed. Pansy continued to squeal and squeak as yet more data spurted out of the tube up his bum. Without warning, both bikes plunged into a wormhole and as the gravitational forces accelerated them to speeds that are beyond the logical reasoning of mere mortal human beings, both cycles burst out of the magical interstellar gateway....and into the dimension of myth, magic, warlocks, wizards, witches and make and mends.
It looked a bit like Scotland on a piss poor shit-weather day, but wizards can't be choosers.