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Paddy's War (Blatantly plaguerised, but worth it!)

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring War on you!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you Paddy that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back...' sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the War is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

'We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 Bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners'.........
OK if were going down this road of resurrection here we go.
Matelot gets into a compartment on a train with two kids, he then slaps them, throws his kit bag on the rack and sits down.
Old lady sitting opposite says"Young man I could get you into real trouble for striking those children".
Matelow starts to laugh, cheeses down and is rolling about on the deck.
"I mean it she says, real trouble".
After a few minutes the matelot gets up having regained his composure and states thus:-
"Lady, in the brake van is a coffin wherein lies my 36 year old wife, who we are taking home to bury. In the third compartment down from here is my 18 year old son who is under escort, going to prison for life for murder.
In the compartment next to that is my 15 year old pregnant daughter with her social worker".
Pointing to the first of the kids in with him,"He's shit himself, the others lost the tickets, I'm 24 hours adrift, and you're going to get me into trouble?"
Another Matelot gets in a train compartment, pongo and crab already seated, pongo sez ''Bet I can spit a bigger greener gob on train window than yooz two'', '' Bollox'' says crab and snorts up a right gud un and hoiks it onto train window, ''Crap'' sez pongo and snorts with all his might depositing a bigger phlegm load alongside crabs, Jack is rollin a tab...''C'mon Jack, sez pongo...beat that''.

Jack strolls over and slurps up the two gobs and spits them back on the window.

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