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oxygen theives


War Hero
Had a great laugh at an OD in Collingwood way back now when working on Buffers party...
The Buffer asked the OD to nip to the Naffi and get him 20 No.6 ciggies (remember them?) and if they didn't have any, then anything would do..

..OD returned with a fcuking pork pie!!! PMSL!!! :lol:


I've just remembered summfink!

Did some time on HMS Blake before swapping to SM's and distinctly
remember being detailed off to help ammunition ship. Myself and
a bunch of Newbies had to go down into the darkest depths and
assist in the offloading 6" shells into the magazine. They came
below via the shell-hoist and the gunners job was to pluck the
buggers off the hoist, and pass 'em along for stowage. Well
it being all hot 'n'sweaty like - I can only assume that he lost
his grip on one of 'em and it remained firmly wedged in the
hoist. The motor was still running, and by now was starting to
make some god-awful grinding noises and that shell casing was
starting to compress in on itself......Everybody froze (we hadn't
a clue what to do). Our leader was frantically yellin' into the intercom
to get the hoist shut down, and all around was utter pandemonium.
The "fresh out of Raleigh JRO2" next to me simply stared wide-eyed
at the crumpling cordite charge - [i]and then stuck his fingers in his ears![/i]
'Course - the hoist was stopped and we all remained in the land of the
living.....if not - I think that JRO2(W)'s head would have been found
somewhere south of Outer Spit Buoy...digits wedged firmly in lug 'oles!
Wasn't funny at the time...I think I shall sue the RN for post-ammunition
ship stress disorder.


From my early days on a loan draft from Collingrad to the 'Rusty B'. We were working in the Air EMR, final cleaning on the day of Captain's rounds. One of my fellow WEM's (I'm sad to say) was given the task of cleaning up the tea boat. Rounds came and went before 'Stand Easy' and the same WEM brought the urn to boil and made the tea for the troups. We all took a drink at the same time and spat it out together as well. After much "What the F***", it transpired that he dip shit not only Brasso'd the outside of the urn but , you guessed it, the inside as well. :???:


Lantern Swinger
While on REMs course at Collingwood in 1956, we were doing radar displays. We had this display on a rig that allowed the display to be moved with ease so the chief instructor could point things out. We had moved to the rear of the display and were all stood around watching etc. The chief pointed to this row of components and said "Under no circumstances should you touch this area has there are 29 thousand volts on it" Up stepped this trainee and put his finger out saying " Where here".Zap it had him 29 thousand volts. Chief asked if he was OK and he said yes has though nothing had happened About 5 minutes later he flaked out and was out for a short while. Like so many trainees he did quite a few silly things but I think all trainees do (myself included) part of learning. Did you notice that when it came to instructing in practical useful things it was always ratings. Officers only taught theory.
on a westlant trip in the early 90s. said rating dispatched to the focscle with a radio tuned into ACRO (flightdeck officer).
we were in a dolphin encrusted area - upon sighting a dolphin near the front of the ship the rating had to radio to the ACRO who would inform the bridge which way to turn the ship to miss the fishy.
the rating spent nearly an hour before clicking that all that muted/laughter was at him.
remember that the rating was a new tiffy ad teh ACRO was a big grizzly Lt with no sense of humour as i believed -

oh shit told you it was me.
remember another time - wasnt me this time.

we had a chance of a trip in seaking. another new tiffy wsnt dunkr trained so made the poor fu**er run from 04H to 9H a few times and stick his head in a bucket of water.

big fat tw*t did this 3 times (before he clocked on) as he kept failing the bucket times due to being out of breath so much


Meanwhile - back on the Blake.
Alongside in San Francisco we had a visit from Princess Margaret (I think)
and she was given the usual "tour of the ship". Eventually arriving in the
MCO, we all had to look industrious and pretend we were at sea (how
very droll) Anyway, the LRO is busying himself in the corner, listening
to what used to be called "5 ton" - International Distress Communications,
on a humungous pair of Bakelite headphones. Morse and interference is
battering his eardrums and, as a consequence of this, he cannot hear what
our Royal guests guide (i.e. The Captain) is saying to him, over and over
and over again. At the end of the visit to the MCO, and after all the
VIP's had gone on their way-The LRO removed his headset and asked,
"What was the Captain saying then?"
The RS, who by now was about to self-combust, said,
"While the Princess was being showed round the shack LRO, it would've
been advisable to take yer leg off that chair, 'cos your f***ing testicles
have been 'angin out of your shorts all the time she's bin in 'ere!..... THAT's what the skipper was tryin' to tell you!"


Lantern Swinger
Got the Duty Steward to ring the bridge last week to ask if there will be any watch keepers in for breakfast - the ship is in a FTSP in Guzz!!!! :twisted:
we got one of the baby wren stewards to charge up the escape stickers during the middle with a torch...................
also sent her a bunk light bill for her electric....................................
and then one day i was off watch QM and my mate was off watch bored, so we rang HQ1 and asked the killick on watch to make a pipe (LW RO) -
was a bit like this...................
"D'ya hear there, diving is taking place on the ship's hull, all diving restrictions are in................... barstards.......................""

we were in dry dock in Pompey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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