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Opinions needed please guys

NorthernSub

Badgeman
I need some advice and opinions please guys. As most of you might know, i'm due to start at Raleigh on 25th November, 7 weeks to go and i can't wait.

My question though is regarding relationships. I'm 26, my gf is 21 and we've been together for 4 years, she is just starting her final year at university and we have no plans at all to get married or have children for at least 5 years.

However, i'm somewhat concerned now though, although my gf is happy for me joining the Navy, she openly admitted for the 1st time the other week that she thinks it could mean the end for our relationship.

Whilst I was going through the application process, we talked about how the Navy would affect our relationship and she was OK and she's been really supportive.

Thats why I was somewhat surprised when she came out with this the other day, she thinks that it may mean the end for our relationship though. Deep down, I think she'd have preferred it if I was joining the skimmers (not happening though).

I'm just wondering if anyone else on the Submariners forum has had any similar experiences with relationships.

Any help would be great please guys.
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
Not a submariner, nor a relationship expert, but I've truly lost count of the numbers of serving personnel who left the service to "save a relationship" then wished they hadn't & subsequently tried to rejoin within a very short space of time.
 
The Navy and to my certain knowlege the airline business can be a problem were relationships are concerned. Not just the RN of course the merchant marine would have a similar if not larger problem.
Relationships need to be made of pretty strong stuff to survive the frequent absences, and the general upheaval and moving around, any weakness will soon become apparent.
Perhaps it is good that your girlfriend is airing these doubts now, rather than later.
She is being sensible about it and thinking ahead, and, you still have time to address the matter or reassure her.
 

ukdaytona

War Hero
If she thinks it will end your relationship ask her why. If when you first applied she was supportive etc then she may have other motives.

Does she stay away during the week at uni and you see each other weekends etc......

Not implying anything but as the old BT advert used to say - its good to talk, ask her why she nows thinks it will finish you.

I know when I joined the forces (many years ago) I rang my GF the first week away to be told by her dad that she was out with her mates and dont expect her to wait. Still first weekend home saw her in town with some knob head and I realised what I had lost wasnt that much..... thats just from my point of view.
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
ukdaytona said:
I know when I joined the forces (many years ago) I rang my GF the first week away to be told by her dad that she was out with her mates and dont expect her to wait. Still first weekend home saw her in town with some knob head and I realised what I had lost wasnt that much..... thats just from my point of view.

Usually the norm for most early relationships for Sailors just joining up, neither knows the full consequences and are not prepared for an intermittent type affair.

(as a note, in our mob the highest divorce rate was in the submarine service, not sure about now or your's) :hockey:
 

Kurtz

Lantern Swinger
Highest divorce rate in the RN...
As my old mate Bert used to say, marry early then you can divorce the Bitch and marry someone you like...

Hope this helps?

(ps, yes a submariner; yes, divorced and re-married; yes, so are the other 2 matelots in my office...)
 
Ninja_Stoker said:
Not a submariner, nor a relationship expert, but I've truly lost count of the numbers of serving personnel who left the service to "save a relationship" then wished they hadn't & subsequently tried to rejoin within a very short space of time.

Listen to this Northern.

Really take it in.

I left the Army for a bird and even though you could say it's worked out good because I'd always wanted to join the Royal Navy and now I am, it doesn't always work out for the better for everyone and everyone I know who left the armed forces for birds always regretted it.
 

Saxon

Badgeman
Mate, I honestly feel for you, but the way you got to look at it is like this-if it was meant to be then it was meant to be, and if things dont work out, well fcuk it because your going to be having the time of your life anyway.

All the best anyway fella.

S.
 
I agree with Saxon, it is a bastard of a situation and the only way out is to just ride the storm.
 
Ninja_Stoker said:
Not a submariner, nor a relationship expert, but I've truly lost count of the numbers of serving personnel who left the service to "save a relationship" then wished they hadn't & subsequently tried to rejoin within a very short space of time.

Been there, done that.
Woe is me!!
 

Karma

War Hero
NorthernSub said:
....she openly admitted for the 1st time the other week that she thinks it could mean the end for our relationship.

She's right, it could. Not helpful I appreciate, but without some context it's difficult to determine what was meant. I'll echo the advice above about communication being important though.

When she said it was it approached as a warning, or as a concern. It's worth asking her why she thinks that. Does she fear handling frequent, short periods of separation or less frequent, but significantly longer periods apart? Is she concerned about the lack of communication when you're deployed?

Separation brings many challenges, the strain of weekending when you're knackered and then try to cram a decent life together into two days; getting up at 0400 on a Monday morning to get back really isn't a good way to end a weekend. Equally on a deployment, some find the absence more difficult, many find adjusting to life together again is a challenge.

You need to estab lish what her concerns are, and equally surface your own. You need to agree ways to deal with those concerns in meaningful ways. Promises count for nothing when the little fears are gnawing away at either of you.

The service wasn't the only reason for my own divorce, but it was a contributor; the longest continuous period we were together for the first 10 years of our marriage was 7 weeks.
 

NotmeChief

Banned
AS one of the others says "ask her why she feels this"

If you have love mate there is nothing to worry about, if she is saying this now then perhaps she doesn't love you that much, and if it does end it then there was no love to start with, she just though there was or you have a big dick.
 
I think she could be right in a way

You are both at a crossroad ---she has a year to do at Uni then what??

You are about to start the new career ----unknown as such .

You will be separated --have no doubt about that ---the Navy and the ship deployment periods at the moment .

As a girl friend she has no ties and likewise you . I suggest that you tell her to let the future take its course.

Or after 4 years together she is thinking about wedding bells

:nemo: :nemo:
 
Well I can't advise on the submariner side of things, however being female and slightly older I hope I can offer some useful advice.

First of all, as others have said, talk to her about it and find out why she is feeling like this all of a sudden. It may just be that she is feeling insecure that you are going to be spending a lot of time apart. At the end of the day, if you are meant to be then you will work it out as long as you keep talking.

Remember though, you are both still young. If the Navy is your dream then don't give up on it as you may never get the chance again. I really hope you work it out, but if you don't, it will suck for a while, but will give you the opportunity to meet someone else who is happy with what you do for a living.

Hope that helps, and good luck :thumright:
 
fcuk her off, you'll be shagging for england once you join up and she'll be going for the university record.

Shite happens, you'll drift apart anyway, make the break, tell her the usual bollox about you'll always love her....(sympathy fcuk on leave)... but face facts, it aint gonna last. I'd suggest a romantic night down the pub then abuse her as much as you can...do all the sordid shite you think she might be offended with...then give her the good news when you wake up (after she's made you a cup of tea).

Best of luck.
 
Kiwi, you have it about right!
What you are doing is a big step; take a few days at a time.
Whatever you do, good luck!
 

dunjamon

Lantern Swinger
Sorry to hear about your situation. I had a similar one, I'm a big believer in the theory of if you let it go it'll go. It'll come back, although I'm now single. I think the best thing to do would be sit down and see what she really wants.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
wet_blobby said:
fcuk her off, you'll be shagging for england once you join up and she'll be going for the university record.

Shite happens, you'll drift apart anyway, make the break, tell her the usual bollox about you'll always love her....(sympathy fcuk on leave)... but face facts, it aint gonna last. I'd suggest a romantic night down the pub then abuse her as much as you can...do all the sordid shite you think she might be offended with...then give her the good news when you wake up (after she's made you a cup of tea).

Best of luck.

Blobs, you little romantic bugger you :dwarf:
 

NorthernSub

Badgeman
Kiwi-Fi said:
Remember though, you are both still young. If the Navy is your dream then don't give up on it as you may never get the chance again. I really hope you work it out, but if you don't, it will suck for a while, but will give you the opportunity to meet someone else who is happy with what you do for a living.

Hope that helps, and good luck :thumright:

Thank you so much for all the comments guys, I really really appreciate it. As Kiwi says, the Navy is my dream, i've spent too much of my life not putting Number One first and its now time that I started.

I will not be quitting the Navy, regardless of what happens with my gf, she knows this as well. She's already said that wghen she finishes uni next June, she wants to try and get a job near her family back home, she's very much a 'family girl' and I know that she won't want to relocate once i'm based in Plymouth or Faslane.

I also get the distinct impression that she doesn't seem to want to put as much effort in as me, she seems reluctant to the fact that we'll just end up breaking up. Also, I don't want to be travelling up to Scunthorpe every Friday from whichever end of the country i'm in. The Navy and my training means to much to me to jeopardise it like that.

Once again, thank you to everyone who posted back to me, it means so much.
 
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