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One of my classic dits


War Hero
Did I ever tell you about the time when, there was I on me jack, on the bridge of the henorminous Haichemess Halbion, and she had to be parked like, halongside one of those key thingies?

Where you might hask, was all of the Handrew at this time? Gorn! That's where they was! Gorn for their rosie, 'adn't they? Not one of 'em left up top to park the bloomin thing up! Horrificers, and the lot, gorn and there's me left on me lonesome with a flippin big thing called England looming towards us!

"Seadog, me old son," I says to meself, "Seadog, you've seen it done before, and you did it yerself on the boating lake with one of those peddallallo things, so grab hold of the 'andle with both 'ands, and it's just like drivin' a car. It can't be too difficult, although reverse could be a bit tricky, and the brakes ain't too hot, it'll be just like a bit of parkin' ... only this is a little bit bigger." I said.

So there was I, with both hands on the wheel of this flippin' huge three hundred and fifty thousand ton warship, wot belongs to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second (beggin yer pardon Ma'am), and I am the only one wot can do this. I won't let you down, Ma'am.

So I tweaks the wheel a bit to one side, and then the other. Just to see what happens, like. Nothing! Not a flipping thing happened at all! Zero! Nix! Nil! Nada! So I thinks to myself, "Dog," I thinks, "give it a bit more and see what happens." So I did. I turned the wheel as far as it would go. First one way, and then the other. Still nothing, and that's when I saw it! A little light on a switch wot said 'Remote Con'' on it, and I thought to myself, I thought, "That's why it ain't working." So I turned it off, and the light went out, and Haichemess Halbion's pointy bit swinged round a bit when I turned the wheel.

Right then, here we goes. So I points it towards 2 Basin, mainly because I wouldn't have to turn much to get in there. Then some chap calling himself "QHM", and who must have high blood pressure starts shouting stuff on the wireless, and I thinks, "If he don't calm down a bit, he’s going to burst a blood vessel." Apart from which, I don't know what language he was using, but it wasn't one that I'd learned at school! Then this chap hoots at me! How dare he? He might be a ferry going to France, but I am driving one of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth's warships! (apart from which, I don't know how to stop this thing when I do get there!)

By this time, I am going as slow as I came through the entrance into 2 Basin, thinking to myself, "I'm sure that Pompey docks was bigger than this." And let's face it, I only scraped a little bit of paint off each side as she decided to bounce her way through!

Suddenly, there's all sorts of whistles and sirens and then there's a girt big 'ellicopter with bits of string droppin' from it, hanging around just in front of me, with a lot of not-very-happy-looking men with guns looking at the ship. "Well," I thought to myself, "If that’s how much gratitude you have, then park it up yourselves!"

At that moment, something quite unexpected like 'appened! England, my beautiful England had gone and done the impossible! It had gone and jumped out directly in front of me when I wasn't lookin' ... And we stopped! Well, most of us stopped! All of the bits that could move did, and landed in various piles along the front wall thingies!

What could I do? Well, with all that what was going on, what could I do? So I flicked that little switch marked 'Remote Con' on, reached out for me wet, and was back in me pit in less time than it takes to down a tot.

'Course, I could never hadmit to anyone that this ever 'appened, and neither could Handrew ... because we were never there! ... or were we?

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