BBC Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Newcastle. The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay. Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre." My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a ****. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot. My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of ******** hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off. A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag." Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please." Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. TESCO’s are doing 4 Stella’s for £2-99. 100 people from Birmingham were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Rupee. I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station? I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt. The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries! 1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin broadband was fast. Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat. Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tipex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction. Some bastard's just pinched one pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants her 12 pegs back. Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!