Lantern Swinger
I won a competition last week, prize was either £500 or a VIP ticket to see an Elvis impersonator.
When I phoned the number they told me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....


War Hero
An Englishman, a Jew and a Scotsman go for a meal in a swish London restaurant.
After 3 expensive courses they call for the bill and the Scotsman says "I'll settle this."
Headline in next morning's newspaper, "Jewish ventriloquist found stabbed in alley!"


War Hero
In the news.

Cliff Richard has been suffering from much online abuse.

He’s got himself some spying, talking, tweeting, stalking, living trolls.


War Hero
Book Reviewer
A friend of mine is throwing a combined Chinese New Year and Burns Night party.
He's calling it a Chinese-Burns night party.
I wasn't keen on going but he's twisted my arm.


Mouth like a frog's sock.
I am not saying that he was an ugly baby, but his mum used to feed him with a catapult.
Gen dit from the Hermes beer queue 68/69 commish:
-Waffoo :I've got paint on my ankle, there should be a sign"
-young AB"There is one there look and it says "wet paint on dadoes""
-Waffoo: how am I supposed to know what that means?"
- Collective replies from the queue"Get some f*****g sea time in"
Referring to a new piss-poor caterer "He couldn't victual a blackbird in Epping Forrest".

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