One-liners

taffscrivs

War Hero
Paddy dials 999 and asks for the police. He's put through to the station and the sergeant asks, "Why do you need the police?" Paddy says. "There's two women outside fighting over me." Sergeant asks "Why do you need us?" Paddy replies, "The big fat one's winning!"
 

Stirlin

War Hero
Out and about with my drinking buddy whenever he spotted a lass running he would shout over 'Don't run luv you'll heat yer water' , lass in really tight skirt and high heels trying to run but not making much headway and looking like butter would not melt ..' Don't run love you'll heat yer water'..
' No worries pal as you will never scald your cock in it'
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Here's a catchy line for the inside of a Hallmark card specifically designed
for people whose relationships are on the rocks and they have separated.

"I'M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU - IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE STILL HERE"
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
The very first time I saw my future wife she was wearing shorts, football boots and a pair of massive gloves.
It was then that I knew she was a keeper.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
I'll never forget my Grandads last words.
"Will you stop shaking the ladder you c*nt!"

I was at a TSB Cashpoint yesterday and an old woman in front
of me said,
"Excuse me young man - I've left me reading glasses at home,
can you check my balance?"
I said "Of course I can dear", so I shoved her into the road,
she fell over and got ran over by a bus.
Not too steady on her feet then.
 
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