Just got back from a few pints after a game of squash - pulled a muscle in my ass getting changed BEFORE the game .....say no more!
Once upon a time in '95 a sleek grey messenger of death (Type 23 Skoda Class Frigate - more breakdowns than a psychiatric ward) HMS Monmouth was in the Dutch Antilles (Curacao). We were in there to change out some of the crew and re-supply of the usual goods except beer, ended up with the worst hangover gear going - AMSTEL, could the can man get rid of it, nope still had some left when we got back to Guz quite a few months later. We were then continuing on a good old jolly through the Panama Canal (rained all the way) and then into the South Pacific - but they are other tales..............
Well a few days on the ale and it was my turn to be duty killick stoker (always need to let the liver and kidneys recover) it had been an eventful few days already what with a US Coast Guard ship in and a magical water fountain with palm trees around and then we found the control box for it.........other stories.
Back to the dit
Up at four to do my rounds, 3 Kilo mess just stank of beer, bad food and bad air - you know what it's like if your sober and everyone else has been on the p**s. So I opened the door into the main mess and should have been greeted by a bit of debris and wooden panelling in front of me - nope, I looked and then shut the door, rubbed my eyes and thought "naaahhh, need a coffee first, eyes are playing me up" Opened the door again and the back wall was green, should have been wooden in colour!
Lo and behold, there was a f*****g palm tree there, not the trunk, just the top half with all the foliage obliterating the scene from deckhead to the deck! "F**k" thought me "We're in the s**t now!"
A lot had gone on before this with things being "liberated" as ships companies do - the Mayor of Curacao had already been to see the Old Man asking for a few things back and the USCG skipper had been round asking if the Old Man could stop us lot from taking the p**s out of his ship.......
Back to the rain forest. Killick of the Mess time (RHIP) pulled back the curtains and was engulfed by stale beer and other noxious smells wafting out from his pit, gently woke him (really).
" Charlie, we've got a problem"
"Eh wassat?"
"We've got a palm tree in the mess"
"P**s off!"
Dragged the bugger out of bed to the door, Charlie ain't happy at all and still half p****d, he opened the door, looked, shut the door, looked at me and said -
"There's a f*****g palm tree in there!"
"No s**t Sherlock" thought I, that's what I've been telling you.......
As you may or may not no, 3 Kilo on a 23 has 39 people so on that reckoning 30 people were still drunk or seriously hungover.......25% compus mentus as we'd been duty. All lights on! Beauty sleep is over!
Not a pretty sight was 3 Kilo at silly o'clock in the morning getting rousted from their pits, I enjoyed it! served them right for being on the p**s while I was stuck aboard, satisfying in a perverse sort of way.
The usual was - "There's a palm tree in the mess and we need to get rid of it PDQ" the usual answer was "F**k off!" until the door was opened and then it was "S**t, there's a palm tree in there" "No s**t Sherlock" say I.
Well, what happened next I hear you say............the DC lockers were raided for every type of saw, forward and aft, any type of knife came out and it was a case of "All hands on ......... shredding duties" The evidence was cut to pieces and black bagged just in time for rounds - the comments from the other messes as a procession of full bin bags came out was "S**t guys, good party last night" (we didn't disillusion as we were known as a bunch of animals anyway).
Well, the evidence was gone and the majority of the guys were feeling pretty good as we looked around and missed the additions - there was a table and chairs with an umbrella and a pot plant, but it was too late to do anything about that - bite the bullet and look natural.
Rounds:
Big Bad Ben Nevers enters the mess with the OOD and looks with a keen eye, he knows something has gone off, but can't quite see what............tender hooks now. Four of us are stood around a wooden table with chairs and umbrella with coffee mugs and ash tray, everyone else is stood up.......... he looks ............ and spots a pot plant on top of the beer fridge!
"Who stole this!"
Silence
"One more chance, who is responsible for this?"
Cooky boy admits to the "theft" of this innocent item, "Okay, we've got four months to go, if this plant isn't alive when we get back to Guz, you're on a charge - water it and speak to it - understood?"
"Yes Joss" says cooky boy.
Rounds finish and the four of us around the table look at each other and think -
"How the hell did he miss the table, chairs and umbrella?" Not that we were complaining!
That was the gist of the story and may or may not be 100% but it's the best I remember and I still have a chuckle when I remember opening that door!
Cheers all, more to follow,
Alhucoll
"Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story"
Once upon a time in '95 a sleek grey messenger of death (Type 23 Skoda Class Frigate - more breakdowns than a psychiatric ward) HMS Monmouth was in the Dutch Antilles (Curacao). We were in there to change out some of the crew and re-supply of the usual goods except beer, ended up with the worst hangover gear going - AMSTEL, could the can man get rid of it, nope still had some left when we got back to Guz quite a few months later. We were then continuing on a good old jolly through the Panama Canal (rained all the way) and then into the South Pacific - but they are other tales..............
Well a few days on the ale and it was my turn to be duty killick stoker (always need to let the liver and kidneys recover) it had been an eventful few days already what with a US Coast Guard ship in and a magical water fountain with palm trees around and then we found the control box for it.........other stories.
Back to the dit
Up at four to do my rounds, 3 Kilo mess just stank of beer, bad food and bad air - you know what it's like if your sober and everyone else has been on the p**s. So I opened the door into the main mess and should have been greeted by a bit of debris and wooden panelling in front of me - nope, I looked and then shut the door, rubbed my eyes and thought "naaahhh, need a coffee first, eyes are playing me up" Opened the door again and the back wall was green, should have been wooden in colour!
Lo and behold, there was a f*****g palm tree there, not the trunk, just the top half with all the foliage obliterating the scene from deckhead to the deck! "F**k" thought me "We're in the s**t now!"
A lot had gone on before this with things being "liberated" as ships companies do - the Mayor of Curacao had already been to see the Old Man asking for a few things back and the USCG skipper had been round asking if the Old Man could stop us lot from taking the p**s out of his ship.......
Back to the rain forest. Killick of the Mess time (RHIP) pulled back the curtains and was engulfed by stale beer and other noxious smells wafting out from his pit, gently woke him (really).
" Charlie, we've got a problem"
"Eh wassat?"
"We've got a palm tree in the mess"
"P**s off!"
Dragged the bugger out of bed to the door, Charlie ain't happy at all and still half p****d, he opened the door, looked, shut the door, looked at me and said -
"There's a f*****g palm tree in there!"
"No s**t Sherlock" thought I, that's what I've been telling you.......
As you may or may not no, 3 Kilo on a 23 has 39 people so on that reckoning 30 people were still drunk or seriously hungover.......25% compus mentus as we'd been duty. All lights on! Beauty sleep is over!
Not a pretty sight was 3 Kilo at silly o'clock in the morning getting rousted from their pits, I enjoyed it! served them right for being on the p**s while I was stuck aboard, satisfying in a perverse sort of way.
The usual was - "There's a palm tree in the mess and we need to get rid of it PDQ" the usual answer was "F**k off!" until the door was opened and then it was "S**t, there's a palm tree in there" "No s**t Sherlock" say I.
Well, what happened next I hear you say............the DC lockers were raided for every type of saw, forward and aft, any type of knife came out and it was a case of "All hands on ......... shredding duties" The evidence was cut to pieces and black bagged just in time for rounds - the comments from the other messes as a procession of full bin bags came out was "S**t guys, good party last night" (we didn't disillusion as we were known as a bunch of animals anyway).
Well, the evidence was gone and the majority of the guys were feeling pretty good as we looked around and missed the additions - there was a table and chairs with an umbrella and a pot plant, but it was too late to do anything about that - bite the bullet and look natural.
Rounds:
Big Bad Ben Nevers enters the mess with the OOD and looks with a keen eye, he knows something has gone off, but can't quite see what............tender hooks now. Four of us are stood around a wooden table with chairs and umbrella with coffee mugs and ash tray, everyone else is stood up.......... he looks ............ and spots a pot plant on top of the beer fridge!
"Who stole this!"
Silence
"One more chance, who is responsible for this?"
Cooky boy admits to the "theft" of this innocent item, "Okay, we've got four months to go, if this plant isn't alive when we get back to Guz, you're on a charge - water it and speak to it - understood?"
"Yes Joss" says cooky boy.
Rounds finish and the four of us around the table look at each other and think -
"How the hell did he miss the table, chairs and umbrella?" Not that we were complaining!
That was the gist of the story and may or may not be 100% but it's the best I remember and I still have a chuckle when I remember opening that door!
Cheers all, more to follow,
Alhucoll
"Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story"
