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On Your Guard (Ian)

Jenny Collier: The worst sport ever is throwing a hand-sized round thing as far as you can. Discus.

Candy Gigi: Who’s a northerner’s favourite R&B star? Our Kelly.

Luke Graves: I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. Nothing about how to deal with a cut knee.

Alexei Sayle: My girlfriend’s a model; she’s an Airfix kit of a Stuka dive-bomber.

Jayde Adams: They say you are what you eat but I do not remember eating a goddess.

Angela Barnes: I grew up in Maidstone. It’s no coincidence that an anagram of Maidstone is “I am stoned”. There’s nothing else to do. Just anagrams.

Phil Wang: My girlfriend and I broke up due to creative differences. I thought I was creative and she thought different.

Sara Pascoe: I got glasses for my birthday, so my observational comedy has really improved.

Shazia Mirza: I went to have Botox the other day. £650! I couldn’t even look shocked.

Liam Williams: So the universe implodes – no matter.

PS Re #1. Once upon a time a well-known Mess character went sick with a slipped disc.

That very evening a Notice appeared inviting entries from sportsmen for an inter-mess Sports & Games afternoon.

Within minutes (you've guessed it) that Member's name topped the list with the SPORT Column entry of ... DISCUS

Yep, disgusting, innit.

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