Olympic Opening Ceremony

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by WreckerL, Jun 13, 2012.

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  1. Oh Dear God! Just how much do these numbnuts get paid to come up with this kak? Must be somethig of a PR nightmare when one of these goons gets let loose without a grown-up!

    Stadium covered in cow sh*t .. a Mosh pit with "Pomp & Circumstance" ... the only thing to look forward to is the 100 NHS Nurses ... but only if they are wearing webbing!
     
  2. yes defo a load of kak to me also
     
  3. Even the brilliant sitcom 2012 couldn't come up with something as crap as this!
     
  4. Thoughtfully designed to give the rest of the world a fekin good laugh at our expense, what a 'feed of arse' but I am not surprised.
     
  5. Rather pleased, just what I had expected, items which needed including but notable by their absence are the Wind Turbines, to show our "Green Credentials", the queues outside the Dole Offices and graffiti artists resplendent in Olympic style Hoodies mugging pensioners and of course a selection of of EU Nationals ripping out any metals in the Stadium. A few Pikeys parked on the cricket pitch would be the icing on the cake.:crying:
     
  6. Our politicians have been working hard to sell themselves as total zoids - Now it the nations turn to look totally stupid!

    Looks like an opportunity to do something on the cheap!
     
  7. Sadly none of the nurse wear such items of clothing now. They mainly wear scrubs.
    Still, there's nothing stopping us from fantazing.
    Apart from that it's being likened to the Teletubies set.
     
  8. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    In fact Boyle is so switched on to what is happening in the stadium and other places for the two weeks following the opening that the sport he is highlighting in the ceremony is that well known Olympic sport of Cricket. Can anyone tell me who the gold medal holder is?
     
  9. The only vitrtue of the idea that I can see is that nothing like it has been tried before.Even if the UK could muster thousands of bodies flag-wagging in unison we could never outdo what has already been seen in China.I am a little surprised they seem to have omitted the Fox hunt which will leave certain parts of the country disappointed and also no mention of the lads at the pub enjoying a few quarts of ale and a game of arrows.What is more British than that?
     
  10. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Has anyone given any thought to the amount of shit farm animals produce when taken out of their natural eviroment, especially geese and ducks. :grommit::grommit:
     
  11. The arena is in total darkness as the audience tremble in anticipation. In the distance they can just about make out the low "boom-boom-boom" of an in-stolen-car monster stereo system, blasting out "Yo! MuthaFucka!". The lights start to come on and the assembled crowd is greeted with the sight of one e-n-o-r-m-o-u-s council estate called *Olympic Heights*. Several houses are boarded up, a couple are on fire, and two maisonettes are getting their front doors smashed in by a load of policemen who have just jumped out of several *Avis Car Rental* Transitvans. There is a crowd of happy children (and their mums) standing in the garden of one particular council propertythat has the words *PAEDO SCUM* daubed on the walls and windows. The windows do not have curtains - buta manky assortment of duvet covers hanging from them - which do little to protect the unfortunate occupant from the barrage of verbal abuse, bricks and petrol bombs.Further along the street in a cul-de-sac called *Jihad Crescent* a toddler is screaming pathetically as two Pit Bulls nibble happily on his pushchair (stolen from Mothercare) and his tiny little trainers (nicked from Matalan). Several topped up wheelie-bins are burning furiously on the pavement and another group of childrenare attempting to stop the fire brigade attending by lobbing empty White Lightning cider bottles at the fire engines. The distant booming of the stolen car becomes even louder as a jet black Honda Civic roars along theroad, does a couple of handbrake turns before ploughing into an already vandalised bus shelter. The driver leapsout of the car and he's lit up by the spotlight of a police helicopter which is playing "The ride of the Valkyries" through its onboard loudspeakers. A troupe of female dancers, dressed as heavily pregnant Iranian teenagers commence a dance routine set to Kylie Minogues *Can't get you outa my head* - and they boogie along the road, narrowly avoiding two other dancers acting as rival Ice Cream van traders, who are attempting to stab each other to death in a furious Ice Cream pitch war. Suddenly, all along the right-hand side of the street, therecan be heard the sound of shouting, yelling and screaming. In perfect synchronisation, fat blokes in vests appear at each bedroom window and they chuck 72 inch flat screen televisions out into the street. The televisions plummet to the pavement and they all explode in a glorious and perfectly harmonised shower of pyrotechnic wonder.Another line of dancers appear and proceed to moonwalk along the street, snapping every car wing mirror off everycar that's parked there...they are closely followed by another actor, dressed in a "fat-suit", driving a mobility scooter who adds insult to injury by slashing all the car tyres as he rolls along. The tempo of the music increases as the Olympic Opening Ceremony approaches it astounding climax. As the street lights dim (because some kid witha tag on his leg is shooting at them from his bedroom window with a .22 rifle)........an aura of expectation grasps the audience by its collective throat.Without warning - two full-size council houses explode because their occupants decided to by-pass the gas meter and try to get it for free. Bricks, slates, glass, furniture and whats left of cannabis factories they had in their attics fly through the air. Rockets, bangers and a million fireworks explode everywhere and stuntmen dressed as small children, illegal immigrants, old people and a woman called "Chavina" run around on fire as teenagers in baseball caps record the carnage on their HTC Wildfire mobile phones for uploading to YouTube later on. The background music fades away and all that can be heard is the sound of the police helicopter searching for the car thief, the wail of sirens on police cars and fire engines and then..........on one of the council properties (a semi-detached with a garden full of broken Ford Mexicos on piles of bricks)...a garage door opens, and a Grunge Metal Rock Band called *Eat shit, have a heart attack - and DIE!* start up a Grunge Rock version of the National Anthem,which is suddenly cut short by the arrival of a bloke who has just lost his job as a taxi driver, armed with a sawn-off shotgun who commences to blow various peoples heads off as our last winning entry in the Eurovision Song Contest plays in the background. A great white ball of light appears in the sky and Sir Terry Wogan (dressed as an angel) descends into the apocalyptic scenes below....dangling in a safety harness from the bottom of a helicopter piloted by Noel Edmonds. As the crazed masses see this God-like apparition descending, they all see the light, start to hug each other and promise faithfully never to claim illegal benefits ever again and force all their under-aged pregnant daughters and step-step-step daughters to all go and have abortions thereby not being a drain on society.That great British personality, Sir Rolf Harris appears on a stage that is raised up on hydraulic jacks, an enormous*Green Screen* behind him lights up, and computer generated images of Morcambe and Wise, Harry Seacombe and the cast of "It 'aint half hot mum!" all burst into a rousing chorus of "Rule Britannia" and everyone claps and cheers. Hooray! Let the games begin!
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2012
    • Like Like x 2
  12. What about a troupe of morris dancers on the village green...........I'm sure Monty can bus a few up from Kernow !
     
  13. Delighted to see the bus is filling up, it would appear Danny has not read the prime directive, 'never work with children and animals'. The more I think about it the more it amuses me, after all if you can’t laugh at yourself.
     
  14. France. .
     
  15. It is not only expected but it is essential as the rose beds surrounding the Olympic Stadium will not be successful otherwise.I just hope the noise of the Red Deer rut on the side of the mock Scottish Glen doesn't drown out the Justice for Fathers demo on the roof of the stadium.
     
  16. I think youll find. 1900 ratified in 1912
    [TABLE="class: wikitable"]
    [TR]
    [TH="bgcolor: #EFEFEF"]Event[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #FFD700"]Gold[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: silver"]Silver[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Cricket[/TD]
    [TD][​IMG] Devon and Somerset Wanderers
    Great Britain (GBR)
    C. B. K. Beachcroft (captain)
    Arthur Birkett
    Alfred Bowerman
    George Buckley
    Francis Burchell
    Frederick Christian
    Harry Corner
    Frederick Cuming
    William Donne
    Alfred Powlesland
    John Symes
    Montagu Toller
    [/TD]
    [TD][​IMG] French Athletic Club Union
    France (FRA)
    William Anderson
    William Attrill
    J. Braid
    W. Browning
    Robert Horne
    Timothée Jordan
    Arthur MacEvoy
    Douglas Robinson
    F. Roques
    A. J. Schneidau
    Henry Terry
    Philip Tomalin (captain)
    [/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD="colspan: 3"]Reference: Australian Broadcasting Corporation[SUP][4][/SUP][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]



    [TABLE="class: wikitable, width: 1"]
    [TR]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 1"][​IMG] Great Britain[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 2"]First innings[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 2"]Second innings[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TH="width: 25%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Batsman[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Method of dismissal[/TH]
    [TH="width: 8%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Method of dismissal[/TH]
    [TH="width: 8%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]C. B. K. Beachcroft[/TD]
    [TD]b Attrill[/TD]
    [TD]23[/TD]
    [TD]run out[/TD]
    [TD]54[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Arthur Birkett[/TD]
    [TD]b Anderson[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]John Symes[/TD]
    [TD]c Anderson b Robinson[/TD]
    [TD]15[/TD]
    [TD]c Attrill b Roques[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Frederick Cuming[/TD]
    [TD]c Browning b MacEvoy[/TD]
    [TD]38[/TD]
    [TD]c Attrill b MacEvoy[/TD]
    [TD]18[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Montagu Toller[/TD]
    [TD]b MacEvoy[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Alfred Bowerman[/TD]
    [TD]b Anderson[/TD]
    [TD]7[/TD]
    [TD]b Roques[/TD]
    [TD]59[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Alfred Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]c Browning b Robinson[/TD]
    [TD]10[/TD]
    [TD]b Roques[/TD]
    [TD]4[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]William Donne[/TD]
    [TD]run out[/TD]
    [TD]6[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Frederick Christian[/TD]
    [TD]b Anderson[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]George Buckley[/TD]
    [TD]b Attrill[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Francis Burchell[/TD]
    [TD]not out[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Harry Corner[/TD]
    [TD]lbw Anderson[/TD]
    [TD]4[/TD]
    [TD]not out[/TD]
    [TD]5[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Extras[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]9[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]4[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Totals[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]117[SUP][a][/SUP][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]145-5d[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [TABLE="class: wikitable, width: 1"]
    [TR]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"][​IMG] France[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 4"]First innings[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 4"]Second innings[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TH="width: 25%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Bowler[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Overs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Maidens[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Wickets[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Overs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Maidens[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Wickets[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]William Attrill[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]William Anderson[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]4[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Arthur MacEvoy[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Douglas Robinson[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]F. Roques[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]3[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [TABLE="class: wikitable, width: 1"]
    [TR]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 1"][​IMG] France[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 2"]First innings[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 2"]Second innings[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TH="width: 25%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Batsman[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Method of dismissal[/TH]
    [TH="width: 8%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Method of dismissal[/TH]
    [TH="width: 8%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Timothée Jordan[/TD]
    [TD]c Corner b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]11[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]A.J. Schneidau[/TD]
    [TD]b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]8[/TD]
    [TD]b Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Robert Horne[/TD]
    [TD]c Buckley b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]15[/TD]
    [TD]b Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Henry Terry[/TD]
    [TD]c Cuming b Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]F. Roques[/TD]
    [TD]b Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]William Anderson[/TD]
    [TD]b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]8[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Douglas Robinson[/TD]
    [TD]b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD]b Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]William Attrill[/TD]
    [TD]lbw Christian[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]W. Browning[/TD]
    [TD]b Christian[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Arthur MacEvoy[/TD]
    [TD]b Bowerman[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [TD]c Christian b Corner[/TD]
    [TD]0[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Philip Tomalin[/TD]
    [TD]not out[/TD]
    [TD]3[/TD]
    [TD]not out[/TD]
    [TD]6[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]J. Braid[/TD]
    [TD]run out[/TD]
    [TD]25[/TD]
    [TD]b Toller[/TD]
    [TD]7[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Extras[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]11[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Totals[/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]78[SUP][a][/SUP][/TD]
    [TD][/TD]
    [TD]26[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    [TABLE="class: wikitable, width: 1"]
    [TR]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"][​IMG] Great Britain[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 4"]First innings[/TH]
    [TH="width: 37.5%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2, colspan: 4"]Second innings[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TH="width: 25%, bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Bowler[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Overs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Maidens[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Wickets[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Overs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Maidens[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Runs[/TH]
    [TH="bgcolor: #F2F2F2"]Wickets[/TH]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Frederick Christian[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]7[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Alfred Powlesland[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]2[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]15[/TD]
    [TD]3[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Alfred Bowerman[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Montagu Toller[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]9[/TD]
    [TD]7[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [TR]
    [TD]Harry Corner[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD]–[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD] ?[/TD]
    [TD]1[/TD]
    [/TR]
    [/TABLE]
    Scorecard notesa. ^ The published totals in both teams' first innings do not match up with the sum of the batsmen's runs.b. Bowling details for overs, maidens and runs conceded are unavailable for all innings, with the exception of the runs conceded in France's second innings, where some information has been recorded.
     
  17. Tell me about it ... I work for the "great organisation" too! Nothing like a set of scrubs to turn a nurse with the face and body of a super model into the Michelin Man!

    Anyway ... I've suddenly realised that someone else is missing! Postman Pat! Driving around dodging the cow sh*t etc! ... and don;t talk too loudly about pikeys ... Rummers is around somewhere in his caravan still ... comin g to an opening ceremony near you sooooooonnnnn!
     

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