OK - it is December. Crimbo stuff!

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by SONAR-BENDER, Dec 2, 2013.

Welcome to the Navy Net aka Rum Ration

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial RN website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Only 3 weeks of adverts left before the big day/anti-climax. So to start things off, a copy of an old favourite - how Santa does his rounds!



    * There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
    world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or
    Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the
    total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). *

    *At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108
    million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. *

    *Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
    (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say
    that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th
    of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the
    stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks
    have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on
    to the next house. *

    *Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the
    earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes
    of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total
    trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means
    Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of
    sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
    space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer
    can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. *

    * The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
    each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the
    sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
    a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the
    "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done
    with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This
    increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000
    tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not
    the monarch). *

    * 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
    resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
    spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would
    absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would
    burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
    creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. *

    *The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
    second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. *

    *Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
    dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal
    forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
    pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
    crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. *

    *Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.*
     
  2. Its all done by Magic mate!
     
  3. .............
    pregnant.jpg
     
    • Like Like x 7
  4. Who's working Christmas? Take a wild guess. Christmas Day Night Shift, Boxing Day Night Shift into 27th of December. Santa's delivering a rather large wedge this year. I'll be able to buy myself more socks'n'nicks than I'll know what to do with.

    BillyHoHoHo,

    X X X
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2013
  5. [FONT=&amp]Lawyer's Christmas Card [/FONT]


    [FONT=&amp]From us ("the wishors") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee"):
    Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.

    Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:
    This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor's discretion.
    This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
    This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.
    This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.
    This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

    The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

    Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

    Sincerely [/FONT]


    [FONT=&amp]Addendum: Safety and Welfare Considerations for Christmas [/FONT]

    [FONT=&amp]All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

    The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

    Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

    While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

    Finally, with regard to the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, local Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly. [/FONT]
     
  6. We've got my mum and dad down, I'll be flat out doing a 12 hour day! :(


    Posted from the Navy Net mobile app (Android / iOS)
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2013
  7. [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  8. I'll be at sea! Not to worry though, I'm sure Santa will be able to recognise the good ship Aurora.
     
  9. Yeah....one Leanders just like another
     
  10. Got Xmas day and Boxing day off but have to work all weekend before during and after Xmas/New Year. Pretty bum deal I reckon, three wrecked weekends just to get two days off.
     
  11. beats the f*** out of being on patrol though. :rabbit:
     
  12. Working over Chrimbo - no loss. My company doesn't allow hol's over Xmas anyway. So those of you who ordered a Sunseekers gin palace can rest assured it will still be there in the new year!!!!!
     
  13. Excellent. Thank you!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Chrimbo! My Mother - 'Er Mother and 'Er Indoors!

    Wish I was working!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Going 'up north' for Crimbo......son's place in darkest Wiltshire !
     
  16. First time since going outside 11 years ago I've got the complete crimbo and new year period off due to my turn coming up on the shift time off rota.
    Fly out to Fuerteventura with the Mrs 23-30th
     
  17. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Scrapping with drunken revellers over Christmas and New Year? I'll have some of that... :thumbleft:

    [​IMG]
     
  18. [FONT=&quot]Barbie's letter to Santa[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Dear Santa,

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay-back time!!

    There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mould imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

    3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for Christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken - wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

    6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

    8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotine patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

    Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot]Ken's letter to Santa[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Dear Santa,

    I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

    In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

    First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment-the bitch has EVERYTHING!! I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann and Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hairstyle. I personally have 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorise my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

    I, too, would like a change in my career. Have you considered: "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as:"S&M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".

    These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick that bitch to the kerb.

    Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

    In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action taken by myself and others.

    PS. Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that is what he said last night.

    Sincerely,
    Ken[/FONT]
     
  19. MGM

    What about getting up early on Christmas morning and surprising these lovely ladies with a nice breakfast?
     

Share This Page