Ok, here's a contest...

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Jarhead, Apr 5, 2007.

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  1. List out things that either side would gain from a U.S.-U.K. merger

    This is all in fun, not serious (because its not gonna happen; we are too different and too far to merge). For example, here's three:

    1. You will have to stop using the letter u excessively.

    2. Driving on the left side of the road means you're drunk, and not driving correctly.

    3. (On your side) The Admiralty would crap themselves at having a budget that exceeds 7 figures.

    Ok, Go.

    (the First one to make me spew my Coffee out my nose i'll send you an authentic USMC cover).
  2. ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    your the ones who will be changing lovie not us.......we already drive on the proper side of the road,,,,,,,,,,,, :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :D :D
  3. 1. Your women would have to go for butt reduction surgery
    2. Our politicians would have to go to charm school
    3. Your cars would have to do more to the gallon due to UK fuel taxes.
    4. Our King sized beds would have to be renamed Queen size
    5. Your queens would have to realise that there would now only be one Queen.
    6. Our Chavs would have to live on greatly reduced welfare payments.
  4. A huge rise in cardio Vascular Disease,Homicide with firearms,interbreeding in the Agricultural areas and Wales,just for starters.
  5. 1. You get Prince Charles as Governor GeneraL.
    2. You keep Charlton Heston.
    3. We keep Dame Judy Dench.
    4. You agree that the First World War started in 1914.
    5. You also agree that the Second World War started in 1939.
    6. We get good dentistry.
    7. You get free health care.
    8. We get cheap petrol.
    9. You get dieting advice.
    10. We ship you all our Right Wing Evangelical Christians.
    11. We get Californian wines.
    12. You get Skol lager.
  6. for the yanks i guess the nations collective IQ would double and you might even get to win a war one day
    for the Brits i guess taxes would get a hell of a lot cheaper :twisted: :wink:
  7. 1. You will have to stop using the letter u excessively.
    Ok in exchange you have to stop making up words when there is a perfectly good word already in use in the Oxford dictionary

    2. Driving on the left side of the road means you're drunk, and not driving correctly.
    Er how many people die in the USA driving on the right?

    3. (On your side) The Admiralty would crap themselves at having a budget that exceeds 7 figures.

    They already spend that much, £9300 and 75P and that's just for Admiralty drinks.
  8. It would read something like this...

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

    The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation
  9. Sara, you're too late! See the John Cleese letter thread.
  10. oh believe me, this was inspired by that letter from John Cleese.

    I haven't heard anything good yet and everyone has already taken if the British re-absorbed America; i wanna hear some funny stuff from you guys about America absorbing England.

    For my part (and i encourage any other yanks on here to do the same), we'll go on about england absorbing the U.S.
  11. Personally, I'm fcuking bored with this. Come up with your own jokes!
  12. Sure will: Your Navy, once the best in the world is now reduced to less than 50 ships.
  13. Effing cheeky cow, you tried to pass that off as your own!!!
    Plagiarism I think its called.

    Anyway, back OT (bloody cheeky cow!)

    You can have "Lawyers" back if we can keep Soliciting ;)
    We have your speed limits, you can have our "Hot Hatches" (with drivers, of course).
    We get Extreme Makeover home edition (Mrs Lamri's fav :) ). You can have that crap with Carol Smilie in it.
    (CHEEKY BLOODY COW) ahem, sorry, that REALLY pisses me off :twisted:
    ooh, can we have Wendy's if you have McCrapburgers back?
    We have Diners and you can have CAFF's.
    we get pimp my ride, you get pimp my ride UK cos its shocking!!
    We get Bill Gates, you can have Madonna back (and her feckwit mockney husband).

    Sound Fair?
  14. haha. the funny thing is, is that you can have a Wendy's and a McCrapburger on the same block here; you'd be a whole new market for them.
  15. Have you SEEN pimp my ride UK?


    They do up hearses ffs!
    HEARSES! What you carry dead people in! Like they care!

    And the bloke who does it is like some 45 year old "gangsta" DJ with all the moves and a jumper his mum picked for him. SSSOOOOOO embarrasing to watch.
  16. oh fuck it, i can't keep it going, my brain's turning to mush.
  17. I just love it Sara! :D :lol:

    I'd just add, that US soldiers will revert to wearing skirts, furry hats and speaking proper English. US matelots will of course wear proper sailors' lids, not those odd, white floppy things that make you think they are all about to burst out in song with YMCA....

    Fort Knox will be renamed HMS Piggybank and its contents will become the sole property of the British Admiralty. If the pollies are nice, the RN just might let them borrow some of it, at extortionate rates of interest! :twisted:

    Washington DC will be renamed Londontown.

    All that democratic nonsense about elected clergy in the Protestant Espicopal Church will be replaced with clergy appointed by the Catholic Prime Minister's chosen representative on Earth, Pope Nazinger I.

    Dollars will be replaced by Pounds Sterling.

    On the other side of the equation, unethical pollies will face long prison sentences rather than peerages.

    The House of Lords will be replaced by a democratically elected Senate with 16 Lords Admiral to replace the Bishops (Lords Temporal): who will pass on their titles when they retire to their appointed replacements.

    The Rum Ration will be reintroduced into the RN and introduced into the USN, and under no circumstances may it be mixed with Coca Cola.

    The US drink called Bud to be renamed Mineral Water.

    ALL Vets to receive a pension, including those in the Reserve Forces and Auxiliaries, backdated with interest to 1939. :)

    Disneyland to be renamed Fairyland.

    Hollywood to use only US actors in the parts of baddies and only English actors in the role of goodies. Scotland, Wales and Ireland will of course have become independent after the English declare UDI on the rest of the Kingdom.

    Utah to become a Free Utah Christian Evangelical Republic (FUCER) where all evangelicals will be required to live governed by Levite law and jurisprudence. Eating hamburgers, frankfurters, drinking beer, smoking (ie self harm), shaving, or practicing the abominable act of haircutting or wearing cotton shirts with woolen suits will be punishable by stoning to death. However women will again become chattels like your children, to be freely sold according to Holy Scripture.

    Bermuda shorts and those queer boxer shorts will be renamed Pusser's Passion Killers.

    Higgy will become Governor General. Uncle Albert will become Chief Secretary to the Treasury (alias Mr. Moneybags).

  18. Sorry Lamri (alias Jack Kleeze) should I have attributed this to you?
  19. You seem to be at a numerical disadvantage with all these noisy Limeys, but then any two of them would give anyone a headache.

    If you don't mind an ancient Brownshoe Chief butting in, maybe we can jointly educate these poor souls.

    First, we've got to do something about these fixations with Utah, Hollywood, Jerry Springer, Fort Knox and fuel prices in the US. A suggested remedy would be for a few of these bloody experts to haul their broad beams away from their tellys and check a library or the internet for information, i.e. something that isn't half cowflop and the rest somebody's propaganda minister verbally jerking off in public.

    There very well may be more Mormons in Utah than any other state, but they all seemed to have sworn off polygamy at last check and don't do much else to annoy tourists besides enact some of the damnedest liquor consumption regulations I've encountered. (Outside of Texas, where some areas are still attempting Prohibition) Otherwise, it would take an expert to pick someone from Utah out of a lineup with people from anyplace within a thousand kilometers, and they've even got a wannabe Marxist who got himself elected Mayor of Salt Lake City, for those yearning for a little Continental flavor. (Don't know if he speaks French, however.)

    If anyone wants the gold left in the depository at Fort Knox, I guess they can work that out with whatever troops (5th Armored Division, I think, among others) that are in the area. Hate to break the news, but we went off the Gold Standard years ago, and I've been told that most of the wealth in the US is now electronically transmitted. If you wanted lots of money in one place, you'd probably do better hijacking the armored transport in the evening at the local WalMart. It would also be far less hazardous, since I've not heard of any Abrams tanks in use as police cruisers. (Even in Los Angeles.)

    As far as Hollywood, Jerry Springer and all the rest of that crap......just ignore it. I do. Does wonders for my good humor. There's always hope that the mythical Big One (earthquake) will submerge that part of California some day, but the bad news is that all that sh** will probably just float up and foul the new beaches even more than the originals.

    You Englanders can drive on any bloody side of the road you like. I'll drive on my preferred side of the road. Just made sure that your wee tiny little car fits someplace under my axle housing, or you had best practice your high speed evasive maneuvering skills. I'm not about to try to put a bull calf in your Mini, and I don't think you'd like the results if I did.

    Fuel costs? Most of the fuel I get comes from Canada. Or Alaska. Twenty-five percent of what I pay is absolutely nothing but damned taxes, another ten or fifteen percent (and that's probably a very low estimate) is added because of twice-damned government regulations and I think if you look carefully, you'll find that you're probably paying more to the taxman than the evil oil company as well. (Seems to me that I read someplace that one of the reasons we pitched your lot out of "the colonies" was excessive taxes, and it might just be we've both got that same job to do again.)

    Which gets us to the subject of my guns. They are not toys, but tools that I use in my work.

    You want them, you come and get them. I may even send a map.

    Bring your friends. Lots of them, and pack for an extended stay. Somebody named Custer lost a Regiment a hundred or so miles from my place, and the Sioux were mostly using arrows and tomahawks for that job. :lol:

    Just remember to close the fencegates after you come through so the livestock doesn't get scattered, and be careful not to cross paths with the bear. They just started to come out of winter dens, and they get easily aggravated by noisy tourists when they're hungry and just out of the rack.

    I get the same attitude if I don't get my coffee. :lol:
  20. I don.t care that was funny!!

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