the emails just keep coming, (or is that cumming) My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!” Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!” I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!” Not half bad. Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard! What’s the difference between a refugee and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home! A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!” Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!” Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day. God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too fucking happy about it in Woolworths either! Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in. My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!” I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what? The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.