Oh Dear

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by NotmeChief, Jun 27, 2011.

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  1. the emails just keep coming, (or is that cumming)

    My neighbour pops his head over the fence again and says, “I want you to kill my wife for me, I’ll pay you $10,000.” I accept, telling him all it will take is one bullet, just below the left tit. He looks at me and says, “I want her dead – not fucking knee-capped!”

    Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

    I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving.. I said, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn you clock back!”

    Not half bad. Japanese farmers reckon they’re doing it tough? BULLSHIT! I seen one farm on TV and the prick had two huge boats and about 20 cars in his front yard!

    What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
    ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!

    A guy gets a call from the police telling his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five cans!”

    Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

    Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

    God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he’ll try. God visits him a week later to see how he’s getting on. “Not bad” says the man, “I’ve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to fuck her up the arse.” “They don’t like that sort of thing in Heaven” said God. The man replied, “They’re not too fucking happy about it in Woolworths either!

    Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence….. when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

    My wife just came in to me and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cos when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

    I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?

    The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
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  2. Can't leave this until next Easter as I will have forgotten it by then:

    And it was at this time during the darkest days of christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath, said unto them. . . . . .

    Dont touch my ****in eastereggs, i'll be back on monday!
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  3. I don't think that Woolworths sold frozen food.
  4. Who ?..........
  5. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

  6. They do in Oz tralia
  7. Used to here until the mid 70's when they decided not to compete with the many food retail outlets.
    I worked at Woollies New Street Brum part time then full time whilst waiting my call up date.
    Happy days.
  8. Both Wife & Son work at the Hallett Cove shop, in fact both there now.
  9. :laughing2: That's a coincidence I did the same in the stockroom at the Ross on Wye branch, compressing all that gash cardboard in the bailer, was a bastard of a job. I was just a kid to the female staff then ;- but I made up for it from my first leave onwards.:ky:
  10. Yes I did the bailer, it took all my strength to get the fuckin bail out when finished. And as for the girls, well when I announced I was joining up they all wanted a piece of me.
    I think it was as I owed em money.
    The one who invoked more dribble than the rest as I longed from afar, turned into a right munter and had the audacity to expect a replay. I had to strain to look at her never mind give her the good news.:laughing2:

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