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offensive humour

aussiepint

War Hero
Shakey said:
Now a sensible bit. Sort of.

Has anyone here listened to Derek and Clive? They recorded them in the 70's and I imagine the endless litany of fuck, cunt, shit wank etc would have been quite shocking.

However the subject material still seems shocking to this day. Dialogues about race, sex, death, all sorts of taboo subjects delivered in a surreal way.

For those of you with nothing better to do, here's some:


CLIVE:
Er, I met this cunt in, about eight years back and, er, he come up with the name of 'John Stitch'. He come up to me. He said, "I'm John Stitch and I, I do non-stop dancing."
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
The fucker. I said, "You do non-stop dancing?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Why, why have you, why have, why are you not dancing now?"
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
He said he's out of a job. So I said, "All right, Non-Stop Dancer, .....
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
..... start dancing." And do you know what he did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Started dancing.
DEREK:
What a cunt.
(begins singing)
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my little knob .....
CLIVE:
Did she?
DEREK:
#She put her mouth round the end of it and I ..... done a gob
Out the little hole that's in my prick and cums with piss as well
I had done a lot into the lav and, fuck, it didn't 'alf smell
'Cause I'd had asparagus the night before, I am lucky
I had some radishes as well and farted and, erm ..... right,
Please don't .....
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer .....

DEREK:
# ..... dancer, I fucked him up .....
CLIVE:
# ..... I like to dance all night
I dance, what,- ehh'ne'hm'err'h
And in my mother's tights
DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (collapses laughing)
CLIVE:
#'Cause you can get away with it
If you are Cockney too
Do this fucking dancing
And shove it up your flue!
(begins mumbling)
DEREK:
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my tiny knob
She put mouth round ..... (laughs)
She put her mouth right round it and then ..... (laughs uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
Fff-uck. Dudley, are you not, is ..... ? Fucking, fucking alcoholic! You're so drunk! You must ha' be on something else, you know.
DEREK:
Oh, hold on, let's get this rhyme right:
#My Mum came into the room and sucked my fucking knob, oh!
She put her mouth right, her mouth right round it and then she done a gob
On the end of it to make it smooth and make it nice and soft
And then she tossed me right off with her, er, Mrs. Mopp
Who came into the ..... (starts laughing)
CLIVE:
Oh yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much indeed, thank you very much indeed, it is awfully good but it's not quite what we're looking for, erm, some of our .....
DEREK:
Very nice! Oh ..... (continues laughing)
CLIVE:
..... some of our older patients might be upset.
DEREK:
#Oh, my Mum came into my room and sucked my fucking knob .....
CLIVE:
Yes! Well, thank you, thank you very, thank you very much indeed .....
DEREK:
#She put her mouth right round it .....
CLIVE:
Shoot him, Kurt!
DEREK:
# ..... and then she done a little gob
CLIVE:
CUT!
DEREK:
#On the end of it and smoothed it round and rubbed it up and down
CLIVE:
Oh God, will nothing give .....
DEREK:
#Until the cum came out the end and then I began to drown
'Cause I cum like a fucking falls you know, I cum like that
I've got a pair of enormous balls and they sat on the mat
When I'm walking down the street, of course, they drag behind me sore
And then, of course, I get followed by every fucking whore .....
CLIVE:
(laughing in the background)
DEREK:
#Who says, "'ere, what we got in front of us, pair of bleedin' balls?
By Christ all-fucking-mighty, they could fill the Albert Halls"
With ee-aye, ee-aye, ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh! Take it and shove it up your arse!

DEREK:
Wait a minute! It's getting interesting!
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer! Justin de Villeneuve, watch out!
DEREK:
Yeah.
#So I went to the city to show my private parts .....
CLIVE:
'Ere! 'Ere! 'Ere!
DEREK:
#I went into the Festival Hall and they began to fart
When I came onto the stage with my balls dragging right behind
They said, "My Christ, what, there, what is he doing, he must be out of his mind?"
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Oh! My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat

DEREK:
(continues with farting noise in tune)
CLIVE:
#He's got fucking cancer, now what d'you think of that?!

DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (falls into helpless laughter)
CLIVE:
#My old man's a dustman, he's got cancer too
Silly fucking arsehole, he's got it up the flue
He's got so much of fucking cancer it drives him fucking mad
He says, "I've got fucking cancer", and he's my fucking Dad
Oh, what a fucking boring cunt, he goes on and on all day
He's got this fucking cancer and he's too gone on the way
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#Oh, my old man's a dustman, Justin de Villeneuve is my friend .....

DEREK:
# ..... they cut it off at Chelmsford, they cut it off at Crewe
They gave him one up the ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
# ..... I shoved him one up the arsehole, saying he's my friend.
DEREK:
(laughs uncontrollably)
#He's got cancer of the cock and he's got cancer of the balls
He's got cancer of the nose, mouth, eyes, teeth and he's got the, the ..... prr-oh .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Ohhhhhhh ..... he's got .....
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer in his false teeth, got cancer in his wig
He's got cancer in his fucking knob, he thinks it's fucking big
His knob is full of cancer, the thing is falling off
And worst of all, the worst of it, he's got this fucking cough
He goes .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurrrrrgghhhhh .....
DEREK:
(continues laughing uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
..... What a cunt! He keeps waking us up at night, this fucking noise goes on! This fucking cough, his fucking cancer! We can't fucking sleep! I's trying to watch Emmerdale Farm and this fucking cough came on and I couldn't fucking concentrate on a fucking good programme 'cause my old man was dying of this fucking cough .....
DEREK:
Fucking cancer!!
CLIVE:
..... What a .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
..... Fucking cunt!!!
DEREK:
(more laughter)
#He's got cancer of the arsehole, he's got cancer of the bum
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer of the knob .....
DEREK:
#Cancer in his eyeballs, he's got cancer on the gob
He's got cancer in his fingernails and cancer in his palm
Cancer up his bumhole where the ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... half way up his arm!
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
#Oh, he's got fucking cancer, cancer everywhere
He's got cancer of the bumhole, 'cause he's a fucking queer .....
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#He takes his fucking knobs up, he shoves 'em up his arse
And everybody knows it! HE'S FUCKING WORKING CLASS!!!

Yes folks I got to the bottom!!!!
FFS! Shakey??
 

slim

War Hero
The_Wonderer said:
Here's another of my "wondering's"

I may well be very wrong, but why is it that it only ever seems to be people of "colour" who really take offence to racism?

I obviously cant speak for everyone; but if a "black" (or whatever person) ever refered to me as a "Honky", or "white bast**d" etc. I'd laugh my arse off :lol:

The only exception I can recall is when I was standing in queue at Tesco's years ago, when these two guys (one black, one white) started an agressive argument. Anyway, the white guy ends up calling the black fellow a "nigger". Suddenly there is complete silence for a few seconds, but then the black guy started laughing in the other guys face.

I'll always remember that because I was really impressed by his reaction

Two junior rates at Honington, one Asian the other white, always used to go ashore together and pulled this stunt many times.

1. Asian guy walks into bar and orders a beer
2. White guy goes in shortly afterwards and asks why the barman is serving [email protected]@ns
3. Argument develops with much slagging off between the two customers.
4. Bar staff start to look worried.
5. The two guys put their arms around each others shoulders and start laughing.

How they managed to get away with a stunt like this I'll never know.

The Asian guy was one of those who'se family had been thrown out of Uganda. He walked into the National Front offfice one day and told them that he wanted to join cos he hated black people. He somehow managed to walk away from that one as well.
If you served at Yeovil mid 80s you may know him, he was the killick in charge of the swimming pool.
 

The_Wonderer

War Hero
slim said:
The_Wonderer said:
Here's another of my "wondering's"

I may well be very wrong, but why is it that it only ever seems to be people of "colour" who really take offence to racism?

I obviously cant speak for everyone; but if a "black" (or whatever person) ever refered to me as a "Honky", or "white bast**d" etc. I'd laugh my arse off :lol:

The only exception I can recall is when I was standing in queue at Tesco's years ago, when these two guys (one black, one white) started an agressive argument. Anyway, the white guy ends up calling the black fellow a "nigger". Suddenly there is complete silence for a few seconds, but then the black guy started laughing in the other guys face.

I'll always remember that because I was really impressed by his reaction

Two junior rates at Honington, one Asian the other white, always used to go ashore together and pulled this stunt many times.

1. Asian guy walks into bar and orders a beer
2. White guy goes in shortly afterwards and asks why the barman is serving [email protected]@ns
3. Argument develops with much slagging off between the two customers.
4. Bar staff start to look worried.
5. The two guys put their arms around each others shoulders and start laughing.

How they managed to get away with a stunt like this I'll never know.

The Asian guy was one of those who'se family had been thrown out of Uganda. He walked into the National Front offfice one day and told them that he wanted to join cos he hated black people. He somehow managed to walk away from that one as well.
If you served at Yeovil mid 80s you may know him, he was the killick in charge of the swimming pool.

Sorry mate; not old enough to have served in the 80's. I was still playing soldiers then.
Funny story though :D
 
Nutty said:
rugger_bob said:
Nutty said:
Scouse_Scribes said:
The_Wonderer said:
slim said:
rugger_bob said:
Poor joke's, I work in Liverpool, my family where from Liverpool, Liverpool has the same problems as any other city, but they are the most friendly people that you could wish to meet and I have worked in most of the major cities in the UK and Europe.

No one works in Liverpool, I've seen Bread on tele. Boris Johnson was right, scousers are a load of sympathy seekers. As for the Sun, when it told it as it was, the scousers stopped buying it.
Would you buy a used car from a scouser?

Oh deary deary me Slim. I'm almost offended by that one.
-keep it up :lol:

I very nearly bit too Wonderer, but as its from someone who believes that the world ends at the Watford Gap, I thought what the hell!!!!

Now I know its wind up after Watford Gap you just fall off the end cos that is the end of the World as we know it Jim.

Lets get this straight once and for all.

Brighton to the River Thames = Civilisation
River Thames to Oxford Street, London W1 = No Mans Land
Any where north of Oxford Street = Jocks, Yorky Bars, Black Pudding,
Ferrets frothy beer and clogs.


Nutty
How would you know living in Spain drinking San Miguel, saying the south is ok, but yet you live in Espania

Cos I have got 59 years experience of the South with occasional forays into that land off Frothy beer. I did not like what I saw except for, Newcastle, The Lake District, Dales and Yorky Moors.

How much experience do you have R-B.

Why Spain, cheap booze, sunshine, The C in C Home Fleet and I can live well on pensions various. Little in the way of crime, yobs, drunks. Police, loads of them highly visible including Traff Pol. Nobody messes with them. Good Health Service for the over 60 ex-pat. Brought a litre bottle of Woods
in our local offie €17 or £11.70 half UK price.

I can drive anywhere in Europe with out paying a fortune to cross the Channel.

Nutty
I have alot of experience Nutty, Worked and lived in many places through out Europe and the UK, London, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester, Selkirk, Fort William, Fife, also including France, Germany and Holland.
So are you an ex criminal or tax dodger living in sunny Spain :D
So you only have occasional forays, as you put it to the North, but yet you can pre judge and know about a place to make a pre judgement of an area you dont know anything about , is that not a little narrow minded ?

Regards
 

NZ_Bootneck

War Hero
Stripey_G said:
Q. Why do Pharmacists put wool into the caps of pill bottles?

A. To remind black people that they were Cotton Pickers long before they became Drug Dealers.


:wink: :)
8O 8O 8O ( :lol: :lol: :lol: ) I'm at work so outwardly shocked, but internally relieving myself.
 
The_Wonderer said:
Here's another of my "wondering's"

I may well be very wrong, but why is it that it only ever seems to be people of "colour" who really take offence to racism?

I obviously cant speak for everyone; but if a "black" (or whatever person) ever refered to me as a "Honky", or "white bast**d" etc. I'd laugh my arse off :lol:

The only exception I can recall is when I was standing in queue at Tesco's years ago, when these two guys (one black, one white) started an agressive argument. Anyway, the white guy ends up calling the black fellow a "nigger". Suddenly there is complete silence for a few seconds, but then the black guy started laughing in the other guys face.

I'll always remember that because I was really impressed by his reaction

There are a number of answers, the most obvious is that as part of the majority identifying you as that is not demeaning or threatening, even if it is meant to be insulting, of course in a supemarket queque in say Nigeria one might feel some what differently. Another answer is that if you expect to be insulted you will be, if you don't you wont. Many people are natural victims, every thing and every one is against them, it is always some one elses fault people like that will always be offended by almost every thing/one what ever their colour or background, equally there are many people who are so self confident they don't bl**dy care.
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
Maxi_77 said:
Many people are natural victims, every thing and every one is against them, it is always some one elses fault people like that will always be offended by almost every thing/one what ever their colour or background,

Couldn't agree more Maxi- spot on.

There seems to be a great reluctance by many, regardless of where, to accept responsibility for their situation in life & stop bloody bleating about it, trying to blame others for their predicament.
 
I've had an alternative experience - I was helping out at our university's rag week back in the 90s and some people took offence to us staging a "slave auction" (a student excuse for a popularity contest cum shagathon). Come the time of the auction, we were surrounded by 20 - 30 white people with a single asian calling us racist bigots. They'd also invited the local paper to cover the story.

Needless to say the auction didn't take place, and a meeting was held afterwards to hear their complaints (why they couldn't have mentioned it before is an obvious question). We had to rename it to a "time" auction after we rejected their first idea of auctioning fruit.

Now I am the first person to decry the policy of the slave trade and the debentured servant, and welcome the work of William Wilberforce and the Royal Navy following on some 200 years ago, but I think these people took the point a little too far, bearing in mind the auction was taking place between the 3 legged pub crawl and the hospital bed charity push, and would be presided over by a man sitting in a bath of custard.

The following week's paper pulled a quote from the local race relations officer for the council - "the protester's actions have put race relations back by 10 years"

Apologies for the drip, I'll post an offensive joke after I've calmed down from my rant.
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
Shakey said:
OK, here's one for you humourologists to ponder:

What's the worst part about fucking a four year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap.

Q: What's the best thing about fcuking twenty two year olds?
A: There's twenty of them...

:twisted:
 
Q: How do you know your dad is fcuking your sister?
A: His ccok tastes funny

Little girl: Mummy, do babies come out of the same hole that boys put their willies in?
Mummy: Yes dear, why?
Little girl: When mine comes will it break my teeth?
 
little boy having a bath with mum: mummy whats that between your legs?
Mum: thats where daddy split me with an axe
Boy: wow! great shot...right in the c##t!!
 

ukdaytona

War Hero
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Not Offensive - but if it offends you TOUGH
 

The_Wonderer

War Hero
(Here's some more for you)

Q.What do you call a Paki who does'nt stink?
A. Asif

Man walks into a shop in Liverpool:
Man: Can I have a pair of tights for my wife?
Shop assistant: Certainly Sir, what size head are you?

"I'm not saying that all muslims are terrorists; but is'nt funny how all fu****g terrorists are muslims?" - (Chubby Brown)

What's long, Scouse, and goes around corners?
The Dole queue.

What's the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter
said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God
instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."
"What All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The
Pearly Gates!"

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Why do women have short feet?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

What do you call the useless flesh around the vagina?
The woman.
 
The_Wonderer said:
"I'm not saying that all muslims are terrorists; but is'nt funny how all fu****g terrorists are muslims?" - (Chubby Brown)

there are up to 40 armed insurgent groups in India alone - the Indian Government calls them terrorists - the vast majority are not Muslim, look up Tamil Tigers, think about Ireland ... yawn :roll:
 

The_Wonderer

War Hero
golden_rivet said:
The_Wonderer said:
"I'm not saying that all muslims are terrorists; but is'nt funny how all fu****g terrorists are muslims?" - (Chubby Brown)

there are up to 40 armed insurgent groups in India alone - the Indian Government calls them terrorists - the vast majority are not Muslim, look up Tamil Tigers, think about Ireland ... yawn :roll:

I thought that was a dodgy one.
- obviously Chubby Brown did'nt
 

slim

War Hero
The_Wonderer said:
golden_rivet said:
The_Wonderer said:
"I'm not saying that all muslims are terrorists; but is'nt funny how all fu****g terrorists are muslims?" - (Chubby Brown)

there are up to 40 armed insurgent groups in India alone - the Indian Government calls them terrorists - the vast majority are not Muslim, look up Tamil Tigers, think about Ireland ... yawn :roll:

I thought that was a dodgy one.
- obviously Chubby Brown did'nt

Ah the infamous Chubby, chased out of Middle borough when he said to his audience " I didn't expect to see this many, thought you'd all be at home molesting the kids".
I don't think he's been invited back since.
 
rugger_bob said:
Nutty said:
rugger_bob said:
Nutty said:
Scouse_Scribes said:
The_Wonderer said:
slim said:
rugger_bob said:
Poor joke's, I work in Liverpool, my family where from Liverpool, Liverpool has the same problems as any other city, but they are the most friendly people that you could wish to meet and I have worked in most of the major cities in the UK and Europe.

No one works in Liverpool, I've seen Bread on tele. Boris Johnson was right, scousers are a load of sympathy seekers. As for the Sun, when it told it as it was, the scousers stopped buying it.
Would you buy a used car from a scouser?

Oh deary deary me Slim. I'm almost offended by that one.
-keep it up :lol:

I very nearly bit too Wonderer, but as its from someone who believes that the world ends at the Watford Gap, I thought what the hell!!!!

Now I know its wind up after Watford Gap you just fall off the end cos that is the end of the World as we know it Jim.

Lets get this straight once and for all.

Brighton to the River Thames = Civilisation
River Thames to Oxford Street, London W1 = No Mans Land
Any where north of Oxford Street = Jocks, Yorky Bars, Black Pudding,
Ferrets frothy beer and clogs.


Nutty
How would you know living in Spain drinking San Miguel, saying the south is ok, but yet you live in Espania

Cos I have got 59 years experience of the South with occasional forays into that land off Frothy beer. I did not like what I saw except for, Newcastle, The Lake District, Dales and Yorky Moors.

How much experience do you have R-B.

Why Spain, cheap booze, sunshine, The C in C Home Fleet and I can live well on pensions various. Little in the way of crime, yobs, drunks. Police, loads of them highly visible including Traff Pol. Nobody messes with them. Good Health Service for the over 60 ex-pat. Brought a litre bottle of Woods
in our local offie €17 or £11.70 half UK price.

I can drive anywhere in Europe with out paying a fortune to cross the Channel.

Nutty
I have alot of experience Nutty, Worked and lived in many places through out Europe and the UK, London, Edinburgh, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester, Selkirk, Fort William, Fife, also including France, Germany and Holland.
So are you an ex criminal or tax dodger living in sunny Spain :D
So you only have occasional forays, as you put it to the North, but yet you can pre judge and know about a place to make a pre judgement of an area you dont know anything about , is that not a little narrow minded ?

Regards


Yes to all

Nutty
 

carlm

Lantern Swinger
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"


Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Liverpool's new signing, Rigobert Song from Cameroon, has just played his first game for the (once) 'Mighty Reds'. He dashes into the players lounge and phones his mother to tell her all about it. "Oh, Rigobert"...she squeals....."....I am so pleased and proud of you, at last you are playing for a great team......they may not be as great as they once were, but I hear they have won the European Cup four times. ....but, son.....things are not so good at home. I am really worried. The violence is getting too much, your sister has been raped twice, your dear Grandmother has been attacked in the street, there is raw sewage running down the roads, its becoming more like a war-zone every day.

How we let you talk us into coming and living in Liverpool, I'll never know...."
 

seafarer1939

War Hero
I was,for twenty years,a Blackpool organist.I have backed every artist you can think of and sat at the organ whilst comics told jokes with very offensive humour.Result?every one laughed.
Tell a joke about the Scots,Irish,Welsh about themselves and they laugh,they come to be entertained and comedians do just that.
Only one ever walked out,when Bernard Manning called him a Jap Sniper[because he had thick glasses] and would not let up.
Then again take my word for it,Manning is no comedian.
Just let people laugh and if the do-gooders don't like it stuff them,miserable scrotes.
 
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