Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

offensive humour

Insulting Italians next (because the beautiful Amelia Anzelmo maried somebody else whilst I was away :) )

What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

About 50lbs and a black dress.
 

babystew

Lantern Swinger
a major hurricane ( hurricane shazza ) and an earthquake measuring 4.5 on the richter scale hit liverpool in the early hours of monday.
it's epicentre was in toxteth, victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering faaaackinell.
the hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
several priceless collections of momentos from majorca and the costa del sol were damaged beyond repair. three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
liverpool fm reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in liverpool.
one resident. tracy sharon-smith, a 15 -year old mother of five said. " it was such a shock, my little chardonay-mercedes came running into my bedroom crying, my youngest two tyler-morgan and victoria-storm slept through it all.
i was still shaking when i was skinning up and watching the jeremy kyle show the next morning. apparently lootings, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. the british red cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of sunny delight to the area.
rescue workers are still searching through the hovels and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellry from elizabeth duke at argos and bone china from poundland.
HOW CAN YOU'SE HELP
this appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.
clothing is most sought after- items such as fila or burberry baseball caps kappa tracksuit tops ( his and hers ), shell suits (female ), white sports sock, rockport boots and any other items usually sold in primark.
food parcels maybe harder to come bt, but are neede all the same.
required foodstuffs include microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream, and cans of special brew or colt 45.
22p buys a biro for filling in claim forms,
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine.
£5 buys b&h and a lighter to calm the nerves of those under eight.
BREAKING NEWS;
rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alch-pop, where are you bleeding from? they asked" toxteth" replied the girl . wossit gotta do wiv you.
 

Stripey_G

War Hero
Q. Why do Pharmacists put wool into the caps of pill bottles?

A. To remind black people that they were Cotton Pickers long before they became Drug Dealers.


:wink: :)
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
carlm said:
With all due respect NJ i don't really care if my grammer or spelling was wrong .

Sorry to be a pedant old chap, but one would've thought it was NS rather than NJ.

Oh well never mind. :lol:
 

Shakey

War Hero
WRT offensive humour, all humour with the exception of puns and wordplay seem to offend someone in some shape or form.

Racist jokes are a definite no-no these days but it seems that in the past they weren't seen as bad. Perhaps someone from the sixties can confirm this?

Child abuse jokes are very dodgy area too.

So does anyone have any racist paedophilia jokes? Let's set the gold standard of offensiveness!

Anyone looking for a primer in offensive humour needs to listen to 'Derek and Clive' the notorious alter-egos of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.
 

slim

War Hero
Shakey said:
WRT offensive humour, all humour with the exception of puns and wordplay seem to offend someone in some shape or form.

Racist jokes are a definite no-no these days but it seems that in the past they weren't seen as bad. Perhaps someone from the sixties can confirm this?

Child abuse jokes are very dodgy area too.

So does anyone have any racist paedophilia jokes? Let's set the gold standard of offensiveness!

Anyone looking for a primer in offensive humour needs to listen to 'Derek and Clive' the notorious alter-egos of Peter Cook and Dudley Moore.

You are correct that in the 60s racism in today's form did not exist. One only had to watch programs like Love thy Neighbour to see that more often than not it was the black guy that came out ahead. Alf Garnet a piss take against bigots, and why did they need to stop the old fogies getting a good evenings entertainment with the Black & White Minstrel show, banned in South Africa because it depicted Black men with White women.
1968 I did killicks course at Daedalus. A black LREM joined one of the messes and a couple of the guys looked at him "Whats up with you lot" he said "price of bed spaces just fallen?" Fits of laughter and a visit to the bar.
Black jokes were in and Sam knew then all, he also knew as many Honky (Whitey) jokes and gave as much as was given.
It was banter and always taken as such.
 

Darkfold

Newbie
This is probably as low as I can possibly go. Prepare for offence :D

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"


Ouch! Well, I'll just get in line for hell now shall I ;)
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
slim said:
Shakey said:
WRT offensive humour, all humour with the exception of puns and wordplay seem to offend someone in some shape or form.

It was banter and always taken as such.

Quite correct - usually the only person quick to take offence is the one that is not quick-witted enough to reply with something funnier than the original.
Anyone that takes offence by the humour on this website will most likelly struggle to integrate within the RN/RM. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

Shakey

War Hero
OK, here's one for you humourologists to ponder:

What's the worst part about fucking a four year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap.
 

Shakey

War Hero
Now a sensible bit. Sort of.

Has anyone here listened to Derek and Clive? They recorded them in the 70's and I imagine the endless litany of fuck, cunt, shit wank etc would have been quite shocking.

However the subject material still seems shocking to this day. Dialogues about race, sex, death, all sorts of taboo subjects delivered in a surreal way.

For those of you with nothing better to do, here's some:


CLIVE:
Er, I met this cunt in, about eight years back and, er, he come up with the name of 'John Stitch'. He come up to me. He said, "I'm John Stitch and I, I do non-stop dancing."
DEREK:
What a cunt.
CLIVE:
The fucker. I said, "You do non-stop dancing?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Why, why have you, why have, why are you not dancing now?"
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
He said he's out of a job. So I said, "All right, Non-Stop Dancer, .....
DEREK:
Cunt.
CLIVE:
..... start dancing." And do you know what he did?
DEREK:
What?
CLIVE:
Started dancing.
DEREK:
What a cunt.
(begins singing)
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my little knob .....
CLIVE:
Did she?
DEREK:
#She put her mouth round the end of it and I ..... done a gob
Out the little hole that's in my prick and cums with piss as well
I had done a lot into the lav and, fuck, it didn't 'alf smell
'Cause I'd had asparagus the night before, I am lucky
I had some radishes as well and farted and, erm ..... right,
Please don't .....
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer .....

DEREK:
# ..... dancer, I fucked him up .....
CLIVE:
# ..... I like to dance all night
I dance, what,- ehh'ne'hm'err'h
And in my mother's tights
DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (collapses laughing)
CLIVE:
#'Cause you can get away with it
If you are Cockney too
Do this fucking dancing
And shove it up your flue!
(begins mumbling)
DEREK:
#My Mum came into my room and sucked my tiny knob
She put mouth round ..... (laughs)
She put her mouth right round it and then ..... (laughs uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
Fff-uck. Dudley, are you not, is ..... ? Fucking, fucking alcoholic! You're so drunk! You must ha' be on something else, you know.
DEREK:
Oh, hold on, let's get this rhyme right:
#My Mum came into the room and sucked my fucking knob, oh!
She put her mouth right, her mouth right round it and then she done a gob
On the end of it to make it smooth and make it nice and soft
And then she tossed me right off with her, er, Mrs. Mopp
Who came into the ..... (starts laughing)
CLIVE:
Oh yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much indeed, thank you very much indeed, it is awfully good but it's not quite what we're looking for, erm, some of our .....
DEREK:
Very nice! Oh ..... (continues laughing)
CLIVE:
..... some of our older patients might be upset.
DEREK:
#Oh, my Mum came into my room and sucked my fucking knob .....
CLIVE:
Yes! Well, thank you, thank you very, thank you very much indeed .....
DEREK:
#She put her mouth right round it .....
CLIVE:
Shoot him, Kurt!
DEREK:
# ..... and then she done a little gob
CLIVE:
CUT!
DEREK:
#On the end of it and smoothed it round and rubbed it up and down
CLIVE:
Oh God, will nothing give .....
DEREK:
#Until the cum came out the end and then I began to drown
'Cause I cum like a fucking falls you know, I cum like that
I've got a pair of enormous balls and they sat on the mat
When I'm walking down the street, of course, they drag behind me sore
And then, of course, I get followed by every fucking whore .....
CLIVE:
(laughing in the background)
DEREK:
#Who says, "'ere, what we got in front of us, pair of bleedin' balls?
By Christ all-fucking-mighty, they could fill the Albert Halls"
With ee-aye, ee-aye, ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh! Take it and shove it up your arse!

DEREK:
Wait a minute! It's getting interesting!
CLIVE:
#I am a Cockney dancer! Justin de Villeneuve, watch out!
DEREK:
Yeah.
#So I went to the city to show my private parts .....
CLIVE:
'Ere! 'Ere! 'Ere!
DEREK:
#I went into the Festival Hall and they began to fart
When I came onto the stage with my balls dragging right behind
They said, "My Christ, what, there, what is he doing, he must be out of his mind?"
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Oh! My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat

DEREK:
(continues with farting noise in tune)
CLIVE:
#He's got fucking cancer, now what d'you think of that?!

DEREK:
#Oh, ..... (falls into helpless laughter)
CLIVE:
#My old man's a dustman, he's got cancer too
Silly fucking arsehole, he's got it up the flue
He's got so much of fucking cancer it drives him fucking mad
He says, "I've got fucking cancer", and he's my fucking Dad
Oh, what a fucking boring cunt, he goes on and on all day
He's got this fucking cancer and he's too gone on the way
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#Oh, my old man's a dustman, Justin de Villeneuve is my friend .....

DEREK:
# ..... they cut it off at Chelmsford, they cut it off at Crewe
They gave him one up the ..... (laughs)
CLIVE:
# ..... I shoved him one up the arsehole, saying he's my friend.
DEREK:
(laughs uncontrollably)
#He's got cancer of the cock and he's got cancer of the balls
He's got cancer of the nose, mouth, eyes, teeth and he's got the, the ..... prr-oh .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
#Ohhhhhhh ..... he's got .....
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer in his false teeth, got cancer in his wig
He's got cancer in his fucking knob, he thinks it's fucking big
His knob is full of cancer, the thing is falling off
And worst of all, the worst of it, he's got this fucking cough
He goes .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurgh! Heurrrrrgghhhhh .....
DEREK:
(continues laughing uncontrollably)
CLIVE:
..... What a cunt! He keeps waking us up at night, this fucking noise goes on! This fucking cough, his fucking cancer! We can't fucking sleep! I's trying to watch Emmerdale Farm and this fucking cough came on and I couldn't fucking concentrate on a fucking good programme 'cause my old man was dying of this fucking cough .....
DEREK:
Fucking cancer!!
CLIVE:
..... What a .....
DEREK & CLIVE:
..... Fucking cunt!!!
DEREK:
(more laughter)
#He's got cancer of the arsehole, he's got cancer of the bum
CLIVE:
# ..... cancer of the knob .....
DEREK:
#Cancer in his eyeballs, he's got cancer on the gob
He's got cancer in his fingernails and cancer in his palm
Cancer up his bumhole where the ..... (drowned out)
CLIVE:
# ..... half way up his arm!
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
#Oh, he's got fucking cancer, cancer everywhere
He's got cancer of the bumhole, 'cause he's a fucking queer .....
DEREK:
#Oh, .....
CLIVE:
#He takes his fucking knobs up, he shoves 'em up his arse
And everybody knows it! HE'S FUCKING WORKING CLASS!!!
 

Shakey

War Hero
Sorry, couldn't help myself. I'll not post any more, honest!


CLIVE:
Anyway, I had this work permit to be a, er, you know, window-cleaner cum plumber .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and, you know, and I was down this house in Beverly Hills - have you been there?
DEREK:
Oh - no.
CLIVE:
Just close to Beverly Sills, the opera singer.
DEREK:
Yeah, right.
CLIVE:
And, erm, got this window cleaning job. Just went into this big house, you know .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... walked in there .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
This big fucking poof, nigger butler .....
DEREK:
Yeah-heh, right .....
CLIVE:
..... fucking hell, these cunts .....
DEREK:
..... fu-u-cking cu-unt.
CLIVE:
..... fucking cunt, he said, "Come dis way sir," you know how they fucking speak .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... can't even speak fucking English.
DEREK:
Yeah-heh, cunt.
CLIVE:
So I said, "All right, where's the window, cunt?" He said, "You've just walked through it." He was quite right, I had fucking glass all up my fucking body.
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
Anyway, I said, "Well, I ca-, I can't clean it 'cause I broke it," and he said, "There are other windows in this house."
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
So I was just cleaning the window, I got all the fluids out, you know, giving it all a clean .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... and I looked round and, er, I thought, you know, I saw something lying on the bed. I thought, "there's a fucking familiar face."
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And - Joan Crawford.
DEREK:
Cor, fucking hell.
CLIVE:
"JC" as she was known to her friends.
DEREK:
Right, yeah.
CLIVE:
Anyway, I was cleaning the window .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... this fucking wind blew up; tropical storm invaded the, you know, the bedroom .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... and .....
DEREK:
(chuckles)
CLIVE:
..... I was swept away by this huge gust of wind .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... straight up her fucking cunt. I went .....
DEREK:
Oh no.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I went straight through the nylon underwear,
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Tore through the diaphragm she was wearing,
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And then, there was no exit, one end was rubber, and up the other end .....
DEREK:
Mm-mm.
CLIVE:
..... the biggest fucking disaster area I've ever fucking seen.
DEREK:
Really?
CLIVE:
Ow f-. You've heard of the Bermuda Triangle?
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
Well, this was worse.
DEREK:
Tch.
CLIVE:
Up Joan Crawford's cunt there are fucking fleets of ships, light aircraft .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
Hamburger stands?
CLIVE:
Hamburger stands. But no fucking hamburgers .....
DEREK:
Right, no.
CLIVE:
..... just the fucking stands.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
The only single piece of entertainment, there's one disco.
DEREK:
They've got a disco in there?
CLIVE:
They've got a disco in there .....
DEREK:
Ooo, lovely.
CLIVE:
..... in a, in a cruise ship, one of those cruising ships, you know.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
And they've got a pool there.
DEREK:
(belches)
CLIVE:
They've got a pool in there, and there's no water up Joan Crawford at all, so they've filled it full of shit.
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So .....
DEREK:
Hold it a moment.
CLIVE:
I've c-,
DEREK:
(makes a farting noise)
CLIVE:
No, no.
DEREK:
(chuckles)
CLIVE:
They have this fucking pool full of shit and they go up there have a bathe in the shit and then go down to the disco all covered in turd.
DEREK:
Ohh, really?
CLIVE:
It's a fucking pain!
DEREK:
(laughs loud)
CLIVE:
A-, An-
DEREK:
(continues laughing then abruptly stops and clears throat)
Well, you know I had a terrible experience with Joan 'cause I-, I'm, you know, after you-
CLIVE:
What, Crawfie?
DEREK:
Yeah, Crawfie, 'cause after you-
CLIVE:
The Queen Mother's nanny?
DEREK:
Yeah. And after you'd told me about Joan's cunt .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... you know, 'course I was very curious and I thought, well, I've got to ha-, go and have a look at this, mate. I went up there and I was, you know, I was, frankly I was appalled.
CLIVE:
What, by the state of her cunt?
DEREK:
Well, I mean, the people up there, wandering about lost, you know (belches) it was pathetic. Anyway, to cut a long story short I got a bit lost myself, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that .....
DEREK:
Her arsehole was .....
CLIVE:
..... that, yeah, no .....
DEREK:
Her arsehole was completely blocked with Spanish revolutionaries.
CLIVE:
Oh FUCK!!
DEREK:
And .....
CLIVE:
Are they still there?
DEREK:
Still there. So-
CLIVE:
Ohhh, that's that fucking trouble, 'cause they can't speak a word of fucking Belgian!
DEREK:
Right! A-, and I start-, I thought, well fuck this, I-, for a laugh, I'm going to go north, you know, so I started making my way. I thought .....
CLIVE:
Did you get to her tits?
DEREK:
No, well, .....
CLIVE:
They've frozen over for the time of the year.
DEREK:
Well, I s-, I thought to myself, I'll, I'll make my way through the gall bladder and then, er, tickle her larynx or, you know, somewhere round there and she can sick me up.
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
I went, I went into the gall bladder, I stepped through, I fucking fell! 'Cause she'd had it fucking removed!
CLIVE:
What her f-, her gall bladder?
DEREK:
Her gall bladder wasn't there!
CLIVE:
Well, there's no fucking signs on her saying the gall bladder's .....
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
Fucking hell! There should be a fucking sign up there saying, "Danger! No fucking gall-"
DEREK:
Right!
CLIVE:
Fucking hell!!
DEREK:
Anyway, to cut a long story short .....
CLIVE:
What'd you-
DEREK:
..... I got, I got in the stomach. I got in a rather dodgy way, I got in by osmosis.
CLIVE:
Yea-h-h.
DEREK:
And, erm, I went in there, I kicked up a fucking storm in there. I ran around all the walls, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, yeah.
DEREK:
..... kicking the shit out of 'em.
CLIVE:
Y-
DEREK:
Anyway, I stuck a pencil up her epiglottis and in a fucking trice .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
..... I came flying up with all this Chinese take away food that she'd just had .....
CLIVE:
Oh shit!
DEREK:
No - sick. And .....
CLIVE:
Sorry.
DEREK:
..... I was, I come flying out and, er, fuck me, out of the frying pan into the fire. I landed straight in the fucking toilet, 'cause she .....
CLIVE:
Oh, fuck off!
DEREK:
..... was leaning over the toilet - I just come out!
CLIVE:
That's fucking Hollywood, isn't it?!
DEREK:
Init!
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
Blummin' heck Shakey- there's only one guy I can think of that has cut & pasted posts that long!

Good stuff tho'
 

The_Wonderer

War Hero
Here's another of my "wondering's"

I may well be very wrong, but why is it that it only ever seems to be people of "colour" who really take offence to racism?

I obviously cant speak for everyone; but if a "black" (or whatever person) ever refered to me as a "Honky", or "white bast**d" etc. I'd laugh my arse off :lol:

The only exception I can recall is when I was standing in queue at Tesco's years ago, when these two guys (one black, one white) started an agressive argument. Anyway, the white guy ends up calling the black fellow a "nigger". Suddenly there is complete silence for a few seconds, but then the black guy started laughing in the other guys face.

I'll always remember that because I was really impressed by his reaction
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
D Offensive tattoo? Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 14
MoD_RSS Draft guidance published to underpin the Offensive Weapons Act MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Press release: Offensive Weapons Act receives Royal Assent MoD News 0
Stirlin The right to be offensive ? / Fat gate. Current Affairs 149
sgtpepperband The World's Most Offensive Map (Updated) Diamond Lil's 5
soleil Mail: "RM told to cover up 'offensive' regimental tattoo" The Corps 16
Naval_Gazer Help for Heroes event "offensive to ethnic minorities" Current Affairs 15
C Offensive The Quarterdeck 58
brazenhussy IS "BRITAIN DAY" OFFENSIVE TO UK MINORITIES? Diamond Lil's 21
spider_monkey Offensive to who? No Muslim has complained! The Quarterdeck 17
BillyNoMates Toilet humour Blue Jokes 4
MG Maniac Aussie Humour Blue Jokes 0
Ninja_Stoker Lavatory humour, can't beat it Diamond Lil's 0
janner Clean humour Miscellaneous 0
A A Little Military Humour Miscellaneous 0
A Tree Humour Land Ops 0
Ageing_Gracefully The Laughing Soldier - squaddie humour jokebook Charity 0
trelawney126 At Last someone with a sense of humour Current Affairs 9
F Tot Time humour Current Affairs 1
2 Aussie humour. The Quarterdeck 6
S American humour Diamond Lil's 4
Don87 Navy Humour Joining Up - Royal Navy Recruiting 30
skyvet Where's the humour?? Diamond Lil's 13
Pitfirrane Who says the Germans have no sense of humour? Diamond Lil's 2
H Islamic humour SCC and URNU 9
slim Political Correctness & its Effects on Humour Diamond Lil's 41
sgtpepperband US Navy in sense of humour alert! Diamond Lil's 6
Chicogiz BAD SENSE OF HUMOUR! The Gash Barge 47
A Humour - PowerPoint presentation by Nutty Diamond Lil's 24

Latest Threads

New Posts

Top