Nursery Rhymes of the future

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often!

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
"Pies you Fuckin ********."

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.


Georgy Porgy Puddin and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys come out to play
He kissed them too he's funny that way!

Wee will winkie runs through the town
Up stairs downstairs in his night gown
Looking through the windows crying through the lock
Which one of you B&$£*rds has got my Bear Mohamed?


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Mary had a little bike
She rode it round the grass
And every time the wheel went round
A spoke went up her.................. ok I'll get me coat :oops:

Ring a ring of roses
a pocket full of posies
we didn't qualify for a flu vaccination due to not being elderly or having asthma and there's an epidemic

Baa Baa Black Sheep Have you any wool
No you oppressor, I have sold it all to the local clothing co-operative

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
To see if they would fall off

Mary had a little lamb
It wouldn't stop it's gruntin'
She tied it to a five bar gate
and kicked it's little...
(not that I advocate beating up animals, swearing I do endorse)

Mary had a lickle lamb
She thought it was so silly
She threw it up in the air
And caught it by the scruff of it's neck.... :roll:

Red Sky at night
Shepherds delight!
Sheep drowned in morning
global warming....


War Hero
Book Reviewer
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront penthouse, and a sports car.

Mary had a little lamb
And the midwife had a heart attack

Mary had a little lamb
It had a touch of colic
She gave it brandy twice a day
And now it's an alcoholic

Mary had a little lamb
Tommy had a pup
Alfonzo had a crocodile
That ate the others up

Mary had a little lamb
You've heard this tale before
But did you know she passed her plate
And had a little more

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She said, 'With my pension, that's all I can do
It may be substandard, but just down the block
I know an old lady who lives in a sock.'

Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
And the other two got away with minor injuries

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her
He put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well

Peter Piper, chimney sweeper
Had a wife and couldn't keep her
Had another, didn't love her
Up the chimney he did shove her

Johnny is a chemist
But Johnny is no more
For what he thought was H20
was H2S04

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
So she ate that too
There once was a teddy in sudan,
The ragheads kicked off 'cause they can,
The stupid runts,
all inbreed *****.
will now have an instant suntan.

If only.....
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Knickers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider
Who sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue
With the horn.


Mary had a little lamb
She kept it in a bucket
And every time the lamb got out
The dog began to fcuk it

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
When along came a spider to sit down beside her
She said '' Fcuk off you're RA ''


War Hero
Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor doggy a bone
when she bent down
the dog came around
and gave her a bone of his own.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick
silly boy, should have jumped higher
goodness gracious great balls of fire.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
the cow blew up on lift off.


Lantern Swinger
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the Cupboard
To get the Postman a letter
When she got there the cupboard was bare
So they had it without it was better

:safe: :safe: :safe:
Mary had a little lamb
Rosemary, red currents
A little Rose wine to baste
Shaun the lamb: Sunday Scran.

Baa baa multiethnic sheep, have you any wool?
Yes sir, yes maam, three bags full!
One for the Partner, another for the other half,
And one for the un-tall person who lives down the lane.

The Matelot and Pussy went to sea
In a beautiful PC boat,
They took some scran, and plenty of beer,
Wrapped up in a fifty Euro note.
The Matelot looked up to the celebrities above,
And sang to a shiny iPod,
"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you have, you have, you have,
What a beautiful Pussy you have."
Pussy said to the Matelot "You *ucking stupid runt,
How dare you sing to a part of me, instead of the charming whole.
O let us be partnered, too long we have tarried;
But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bonk-tree grows,
And there in a wood Higthepig stood
With a ring at the end of his prick, his prick, his prick,
With a ring at the end of his prick.
"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling your ring with the prick on the end?"
Said the Piggy, "I will *ucking well not, you barstewards"
So they took it away, and were partnered next day
By the Galley up several ladders.
They minced and winced and dined on hammycheesyeggy,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon.
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand.
They mooned by the light of the Aldis, the Aldis, the Aldis,
They mooned by the light of the Aldis.