Nursery Rhymes of the future

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by KLNA-Cessna-Jockey, Dec 2, 2007.

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  1. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
    The structure of the wall was incorrect
    So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

    It's Raining, It's Pouring.
    Oh shit, it's Global Warming.


    Mary had a little skirt
    with splits right up the sides
    and everywhere that Mary went
    the boys could see her thighs.
    Mary had another skirt
    'twas split right up the front
    ...But she didn't wear that one often!

    Mary had a little lamb
    her father shot it dead.
    Now it goes to school with her
    between two chunks of bread.

    Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
    Said Simple Simon to the pie man
    'What have u got there?'
    Said the pie man unto Simon
    "Pies you Fuckin Dickhead."

    Mary had a little lamb
    it ran into a pylon.
    10,000 volts went up its arse
    and turned its wool to nylon.

    Jack and Jill
    Went up the hill
    And planned to do some kissing.
    Jack made a pass
    and grabbed her ass
    Now two of his teeth are missing.

    Mary had a little lamb
    Its fleece was white and wispy.
    Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
    And now it's black and crispy.
     
  2. Georgy Porgy Puddin and Pie
    Kissed the girls and made them cry
    When the boys come out to play
    He kissed them too he's funny that way!

    Wee will winkie runs through the town
    Up stairs downstairs in his night gown
    Looking through the windows crying through the lock
    Which one of you B&$£*rds has got my Bear Mohamed?
     
  3. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Mary had a little bike
    She rode it round the grass
    And every time the wheel went round
    A spoke went up her.................. ok I'll get me coat :oops:

    Ring a ring of roses
    a pocket full of posies
    a-tishoo
    a-tishoo
    we didn't qualify for a flu vaccination due to not being elderly or having asthma and there's an epidemic

    Baa Baa Black Sheep Have you any wool
    No you oppressor, I have sold it all to the local clothing co-operative

    Mary had a little lamb
    She also had a duck
    She put them on the mantelpiece
    To see if they would fall off

    Mary had a little lamb
    It wouldn't stop it's gruntin'
    She tied it to a five bar gate
    and kicked it's little...
    (not that I advocate beating up animals, swearing I do endorse)

    Mary had a lickle lamb
    She thought it was so silly
    She threw it up in the air
    And caught it by the scruff of it's neck.... :roll:

    Red Sky at night
    Shepherds delight!
    Sheep drowned in morning
    global warming....
     
  4. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
    To have a little fun.
    Stupid Jill forgot the pill
    And now they have a son.

    HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    All the kings' horses,
    And all the kings' men.
    Had scrambled eggs,
    For breakfast again.

    HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
    All over the bedside clock.
    The little dog laughed to see such fun.
    Then died of electric shock.

    There was a little girl who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good, she was very, very good.
    But when she was bad...
    She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront penthouse, and a sports car.

    Mary had a little lamb
    And the midwife had a heart attack

    Mary had a little lamb
    It had a touch of colic
    She gave it brandy twice a day
    And now it's an alcoholic

    Mary had a little lamb
    Tommy had a pup
    Alfonzo had a crocodile
    That ate the others up

    Mary had a little lamb
    You've heard this tale before
    But did you know she passed her plate
    And had a little more

    There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
    She said, 'With my pension, that's all I can do
    It may be substandard, but just down the block
    I know an old lady who lives in a sock.'

    Hickory, Dickory, Dock
    Three mice ran up the clock
    The clock struck one
    And the other two got away with minor injuries

    Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater
    Had a wife and couldn't keep her
    He put her in a pumpkin shell
    And there he kept her very well

    Peter Piper, chimney sweeper
    Had a wife and couldn't keep her
    Had another, didn't love her
    Up the chimney he did shove her

    Johnny is a chemist
    But Johnny is no more
    For what he thought was H20
    was H2S04

    Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on her tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey
    Along came a spider
    And sat down beside her
    So she ate that too
     
  5. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    There once was a teddy in sudan,
    The ragheads kicked off 'cause they can,
    The stupid runts,
    all inbreed cunts.
    will now have an instant suntan.

    If only.....
     
  6. Little Miss Muffet
    Sat on her tuffet,
    Knickers all tattered and torn
    It wasn't the spider
    Who sat down beside her
    But Little Boy Blue
    With the horn.
     
  7. Mary had a little lamb
    She kept it in a bucket
    And every time the lamb got out
    The dog began to fcuk it


    Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey
    When along came a spider to sit down beside her
    She said '' Fcuk off you're RA ''
     
  8. Old Mother Hubbard
    went to the cupboard
    to fetch her poor doggy a bone
    when she bent down
    the dog came around
    and gave her a bone of his own.

    Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
    Jack jump over the candlestick
    silly boy, should have jumped higher
    goodness gracious great balls of fire.

    Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
    the cow blew up on lift off.
     
  9. Oh! The Grand old Duke of York
    He had 10,000 men,
    The Chancellor imposed his Budget cuts,
    And he ended up with 10
     
  10. The grand old Duke of York
    he had 10,000 men
    he marched them up to the top of the hill
    and he had them all again.
     
  11. Old Mother Hubbard
    Went to the Cupboard
    To get the Postman a letter
    When she got there the cupboard was bare
    So they had it without it was better

    :safe: :safe: :safe:
     
  12. Mary had a little lamb
    Rosemary, red currents
    A little Rose wine to baste
    Shaun the lamb: Sunday Scran.


    Baa baa multiethnic sheep, have you any wool?
    Yes sir, yes maam, three bags full!
    One for the Partner, another for the other half,
    And one for the un-tall person who lives down the lane.


    The Matelot and Pussy went to sea
    In a beautiful PC boat,
    They took some scran, and plenty of beer,
    Wrapped up in a fifty Euro note.
    The Matelot looked up to the celebrities above,
    And sang to a shiny iPod,
    "O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
    What a beautiful Pussy you have, you have, you have,
    What a beautiful Pussy you have."
    Pussy said to the Matelot "You *ucking stupid runt,
    How dare you sing to a part of me, instead of the charming whole.
    O let us be partnered, too long we have tarried;
    But what shall we do for a ring?"
    They sailed away, for a year and a day,
    To the land where the Bonk-tree grows,
    And there in a wood Higthepig stood
    With a ring at the end of his prick, his prick, his prick,
    With a ring at the end of his prick.
    "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling your ring with the prick on the end?"
    Said the Piggy, "I will *ucking well not, you barstewards"
    So they took it away, and were partnered next day
    By the Galley up several ladders.
    They minced and winced and dined on hammycheesyeggy,
    Which they ate with a runcible spoon.
    And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand.
    They mooned by the light of the Aldis, the Aldis, the Aldis,
    They mooned by the light of the Aldis.
     

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