Nostalgia

#1
Don't know if this has been posted here before - if not, it made I larf !

*Missing Royal Navy Life?*

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days and simulate
living on board ship once more!

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small
sleeping bag.

Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water
pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed have your wife whip open the curtains,
shine a torch in your eyes and say "sorry mate".

Renovate your bathroom; Build a wall across the centre of your bath and
move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower
enclosure.

When you shower remember to shout at the top of your voice "Turnin' On"
when turning the shower on and "Turnin' Off" when turning the shower off.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly chair and rock as
hard as you can until you feel sick.

Put oil instead of water into the dehumidifier then set it to high.

Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added
realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, and
then select a different one.

Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to
recreate the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for stokers)

Have the paper boy cut your hair.

Once-a-week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure the wind carries soot over your neighbor’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor and use it once a week. Store the rubbish on the
other side of your bathroom.

Wake up at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find,
preferably using stale bread, Optional: Cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the
pantry or fridge.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night; when it
goes off, leap out of bed, dress as quick as you can, then run into the
garden and break out the garden hose and spray anything that looks like
it could catch fire.

Once a month take every household appliance completely apart, and then
reassemble.

Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for three hours
before drinking.

Invite 85 people you don’t like to come and stay for a month.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table then lay
underneath it and read books.

Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all doors in the house.
Now you will always bang your shins or hit your head when passing
through them.

When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst its in the oven.
When it has cooled spread icing very thickly on the low side to even it
up again.

Every so often throw your cat in the bath and shout "Man Overboard!"
then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pans and dishes on to the
floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.

Put on the headphones for your stereo but do not plug them in. Go and
stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular
"Dishwasher manned and ready sir!" Stand there for three or four hours
then say, again to nobody in particular, "Dishwasher secured!"? Remove
the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your shoes "Steaming bats" and get your children to hide them
around the house on a random basis.

Go out with a girl with Tourettes syndrome, just to hear someone shout
and scream at you for no apparent reason.

Go to the supermarket and buy nothing, but queue up anyway.
Get your kids to hide around a corner and when you walk by, to throw a
bucket of water over you.

Whenever you order a short at the pub, tell the barman to have sippers.

Mix seven tins of different soup in a pan and eat it while looking
around to see if anyone else is eating it.

Boil a teapot full of tea for 20 minutes then mix in two full tins of
carnation cream and one tin of condensed milk, let it stand for 20
minutes and then drink it out of a dirty cup while eating a stale bun.

Slowly fry an egg for 25 minutes, place on a slice of cold greasy fried
bread, eat it and wash it down with the above mentioned tea.

As you’re about to start eating your dinner, get someone to shout
"starboard twenty five" and then tip the table to 30 degrees so
everything slides off.

Set the toaster so that it burns anything that is put in it.
Set up five tape recorders with recordings of five different people
snoring, and play them all night

Take all the bedding off and dismantle the bed. Go out for a night on
the town and return at two in the morning, then get your head down after
making the bed.

:lol:
 
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