Noahs Ark

Discussion in 'The Gash Barge' started by janner, Mar 13, 2008.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    Subject: Noah's Ark

    In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
    and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
    and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2
    of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

    He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the
    Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. '
    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
    - but no Ark.

    'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

    'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
    Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. I've been
    arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My
    neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
    building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site
    even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high.

    We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
    The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too
    steep, and the inside of the Ark wasn't fully accessible, then the
    Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
    of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
    passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
    would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

    Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
    Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
    Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
    the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

    When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They
    insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued
    the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
    put so many animals in a confined space.

    Then the Council, the Environment Agency
    ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
    environmental impact and flood study on your proposed flood.

    I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
    Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
    The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
    only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

    To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets,
    claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
    So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
    finish this Ark.'

    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
    stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You
    mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

    'No,' said the Lord. 'The Labour government beat me to it.'
  2. Janner

    You just could not make it up


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