Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by witsend, May 13, 2009.
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Get rid of the 96 pages of sea cadet cnuts too. There should also be a page dedicated to me and the great stuff I've done for the mob that month. Free DVDs on the cover of wrens shagging each other with joggle shackles would go down a treat too.
Agree with the readers wives bit and instead of reams of kak of "the boy done good" there should be a couple of pages called "Fcuk ups in the fleet" so when your oppo makes a complete ball bag of himself we can all have a laugh, any jennies Fcuking up would have to get their tits out
You're far too modest monty, you need to sell yourself more!
FFS where to start?? Witsend's suggestion of changing to lower grade paper is a good place to start, it needs to be a paper you can wipe your arse with. Also cut out the sea cadets, RNR mongs and RNA piss-stained twats. Change the letters page from "ho ho young sprogs, do you still use hemp mooring lines today like we did in 1952?" to an interesting page of raging speculation about how shit the Fleet is to become within a short space of time. Add a "wren of the week" picture and keep the "where the fleet is" and "swap drafts" sections as being reasonably useful. Navy News is currently a paper read ONLY by sea cadets, pensioned ex-matelots aged over 70 and those aspiring to join up. We need to change NN to something people actually want, that is, a single-page, double-sided paper to be read while having a dump.
"Soldier" magazine is everything that Navy News is not, but should/could be...
You've hit the nail on the head and even though there are shedloads of copies lying around in various offices, no-one ever picks them up as it's gash.
I prefer reading Soldier as it contains more relevant news to serving personnel than the Pompey Propaganda.
Get rid of the Ship Recognition and replace it with STI recognition-far more useful to matelots!
See? I would sell more papers than a dying cancer riddled fat bald slag. I like the idea of publicising Jacks fcuk ups, that'd be ace: "MONG OM FCUKMEKNUCKLE PUTS ACCOM LADDER RAIL THROUGH LYNX NOSE" With a picture of the thick cnut next to the smashed in Lynx.
Each month, we could have a section dedicated to great Naval murdering stoker boy rapists of the past too.
Witsend you're on to a winner mate.
That OM was me by the way
Well that wont take up too much room on a page will it you monger!!! :wink:
All comments duly noted but not necessarily incorporated into our next edition. Nice to know we're appreciated... :roll:
All in jest mate, but in all seriousness:
It is true that most Matelots can't be arsed to read NN at this present time because it isn't particularly interesting. To say that it's pre-joiners, parents, sea cadets and RNA bods who mostly read it is probably true. Whilst we do absolutely appreciate what you do I firmly believe it's time for change.
Soldier magazine is now superb and is a credit to those who work on it, is there any way we could move to that kind of format and try and appeal to the serving Jack and Royal?
Soldier mag does have lot of nice colour piccies of pongos. Perhaps the new NN could have a centrefold Matelot of the Month featuring Monty in various roles in various states of nakedness (from completely to stark) with the staples strategically situated and feature Monty's Moans for all the dripping needed to keep matelots happy.
PS: I'm sorry to hear that the only current readers are Chico and Hig.
In defence of Navy Lies, they do their best with the material they get given, and the staff they have. The difference between Navy News and Soldier is that NN does not have a single "reporter". What they have is PR personnel who print RN press releases verbatim, and sub-editors whose only input is the RN Phot branch. If you look at Soldier magazine, or any of the US equivalents (Navy Times (weekly) or Stars and Stripes (daily)) you'll see reporters going out there and asking questions, and commissioning polls of what people think.
FOr example, when a US ship ran aground recently, the US rags were full of articles, questioning what happened, interviews with other Navigators, exclusive pictures etc. When does that ever happen with the RN? Same with other F@@@ ups - an issue of NN actually went to press midway through the CORNWALL incident but the front page was some crap about WAFUs.
Quick win - ban all the old gits from the letters page (who gives a shit about what you did in the 1960s in the Far East?) as it is the single worst aspect of the paper. If they write in, put their rant on the RNA pages. Next, encourage people to write in about stuff ... BUT as Jack won't write in as he/she is lazy and cynical, get the reporters out of NELSON and onto ships to actually ... er ... report what's going on (and not print self-satisfied pics of the f'ing 2nd Sea Lord on a bloody bike again). Crime/dits/court martials etc - the Pompey reggies and Court Martial cell could provide dozens of juicy (and legally reportable) titbits about recent events but the only reporter i've ever seen in there is from the Pompey News. Thirdly, features about what matelots really think about the things they drip about - uniform, runs ashore, JPA, Pay 2000, the car parking Nazis in dockyards. Finally, stop referring to ships by stupid nicknames that no-one actually calls them. I once served in MANCHESTER for 3 years and in that time not a single person called it the "Busy Bee" apart from the halfwits in Navy News.
THEN you'd have a paper. And if you really tried, it could be as half as good as Soldier.
Happy with that, let's get going.
Sound advice for Rum Ration also in my book. :wink:
Is it time for a great purge of RR to remove everyone who has been retired for longer than they served?
Monty, lead the way.
I think a total purge would be harsh, the majority of the senior ex senior sevice are a credit to all that has gone before us.
There are some cnuts that need to be put out their misery.
Any old fukking buggernaut who served more than twenty years ago should be put in a home where the carers can starve and abuse them by beating their c0ck and bollocks with the fat end of a pool cue!
Oooerrrr, can I sign up for this Mister .................. pleeeze let me.
I need to drop a bit of weight and could do with a touch of S&M.
Am I the only one wondering why so many matelots read "Soldier" magazine. I don't give a fukc about Percy, (well not enough to read their publications anyway). I only look at ARSSE when there's a link on here that look's like it may be interesting/amusing.
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