News Bulletin the head.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by BillyNoMates, May 6, 2011.

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  1. The Re-cycled News.
    A quick look back through whatever newspapers I can lay my hands on (usually the tabloids),
    in the hope that I can find the odd article or paragraph I can take the p*ss out of without fear
    of having my ar*se sued off or infringing anyones' civil liberties.
    Today - 2 back issues of *The Currant Bun* (May 4/5 2011)
    "Osama had a big wad" (The Sun May 5th 2011)
    Following on from the US Navy Seals successful assassination of O.B.L. last Sunday
    (they pretended to be Dominoes pizza deliverers trying out a new stealth helicopter
    delivery service), it has been revealed that Mister O.B.L. had a HUGE amount of dosh
    sewn into his clothes. This monumental cache of loot is reported by the Sun to be in
    the region of 500 Euros.
    500 Euros? What the flying f*ck would O.B.L. hope to achieve with that? Giving that
    he was dwelling in AbbotandCostelloabbad, Euros wouldn't be of much use and would
    not have got him too far - should he have had the need to do a runner.
    500 Euros wouldn't even have got him, one of his wives and say, three of his kids into
    a f***ing Waterpark on the Costa del Sol for a day. I've been to one, and the cost of f***ing
    icecream and burgers is fu**ing outrageous. The Warlords hidden "personal stash" was
    revealed at an intelligence briefing. I am thinking something else.....I think O.B.L. had already
    been on an all-inclusive package holiday somewhere with a few wives and assorted kids,
    and the dosh they found was a bit of left-over spare change he'd forgotten about. I mean -
    we've all done it 'aint we? Weeks and weeks after coming back from somewhere nice'n'sunny,
    you put on a pair of shorts for a barbecue in the back garden, and you discover a load of
    shrapnel in one of the pockets, or a couple of Euro banknotes.......O.B.L. had been gone for
    almost TEN YEARS - even the bloke at the top of the CIA's most wanted list would have
    needed a break from it all. If I was one of them Navy Seals that trashed his place after
    punching O.B.L's ticket, I would have checked out the kitchen, specifically to see just
    how many fridge magnets the evil bas*ard had. We all know that fridge magnets are a
    vital part of intelligence gathering. They show just where the f***k you've been (not when -
    but every little helps). I'll bet a quid to a pinch of sh*t he's got one from Tenerife or Malaga
    or some other tourist haunt. The Intelligence Services should follow the "Fridge Magnet Trail",
    and using this information they could well make a significant dent in AQ's European operations.
    The CIA do not need flash-drives, hard-drives, E-mails, CD's, DVD's and whatever the f**k else
    they removed from OBL's house after its sixty-minute makeover.
    Fridge magnets.
    Didn't think of THEM, did you eh?
    * * * * * *
    "Warlords final moments" (The Sun May 4th 2011)
    The reports that O.B.L's house did not have internet connectivity or in fact any
    contract with a mobile phone company can now be discounted, thanks to
    information leaked by a C.I.A. "mole". It has turned out that it was BECAUSE
    of a problem with internet services - his whereabouts were finally discovered
    and the operation to slot the bloke began to take shape. A partial transcript of
    one of O.B.L's final telephone conversations, using TESCOS pay-as-you-go
    virtually sealed his fate:-
    Time: Approx 20:00
    "Hello?? Is that the PlayStation 3 helpline by the grace of Allah???"
    "Yes sir - my name is Omar ben-Walidi, how may I be of assistance?"
    " name is Dennis O'Bamala, and I'm calling from Abbotabad
    in....errr (where is this?)?(muffled voice), Pakistan - yes, Pakistan, and I seem
    to be having a problem getting on line with my PlayStation 3 and I cannot play
    *Call Of Allah 5* with all my on-line pals?"
    "Oh - I do apologise sir - may I have your UserName please?"
    "My UserName? - errrrr, it's jihad666...all lower case...."
    "Now..let's see....jihad666....err yes sir....may I have your home address please?"
    "Your home address please, and the account number?"
    "I am sorry - but this is a new house, and I do not know the actual address right now,
    but if you click on Google Earth and type in Latitude ********* Longtitude ******** you can
    see it. It's the one with the big f*ck off walls round it at the end of the street"
    "Errrrr....okay sir. Now as you know, there's been a bit of a problem with a few million
    PlayStation 3 accounts lately, but I am certain that Sony will rectify this problem soon.
    We apologise that you have been unable to get on-line...."
    "What!!? I was on level 6 of *Call of Allah 5* and I had almost killed all the zombies!!!
    This is not good enough! You Western infidels shall feel the wrath of my armies if
    you do NOT get me back on line by the end of the I make myself clear?"
    "I am so sorry sir........Sony are doing everything they can to rectify the problem, is
    there anything else I can help you with today?"
    "Obviously not! GET IT SORTED!"
    (Recorded message interrupts)
    "Phonecalls are recorded for training purposes - thank you for calling the Sony
    PlayStation 3 helpline....." (clunk)
    "Supervisor please! - I've just had some mother-f**ker on the line called
    D e n n i s O' B a m a l a, out in Pakistan bitchin' about his Online PS3 connectivity, I've
    just called up his account...............and have you seen the photograph that's
    attached to his Gamer Tag?"
    "Oh 911....."
    * * * * * *
    "Lottery bollocks" (The Sun May 5th 2011)
    Simon Cowell still buys National Lottery tickets. Simon Cowell (according to the paper)
    is worth about two hundred million quid. Simon Cowell should f**k off and cease buying
    lottery tickets immediately. In fact any person with a bulging bank account should be
    automatically BANNED from having a go at winning even more cash than they've already
    got. I'll bet they don't just do a couple of lines of numbers....or even up to say five lines
    if the jackpot is a big one. I'll say they dive in there and fork out a wee bit more on Lucky
    Dips and their own personal numbers than you or I do. Not going to hurt much if they
    put a couple of hundred quid down really..........perhaps even more. I really don't know what
    the limit for lottery ticket lines is, but I break out in a sweat if I risk up to a fiver. With all these
    affluent twats buying f*ck knows how many tickets/lines/Luck Dips etc - it makes me think that
    our chances as simple peasants are eroded even more because the well minted are in there
    too, with way more chances at cleaning up than the rest of us. What would your reaction be,
    if Mister Cowell won this coming Tuesdays Euro-Millions haul of some £85,000,000 ?? You'd
    be absolutely thrilled for him wouldn't you? If he did win and forgot to cross the *No Publicity*
    box - there would be a fu**ing armed assault on Lottery HQ. The lottery is for poor people who
    want to become rich people. Rich people - f*ck off and let the poor people at least hang on to
    the last tattered remnants of their shattered dreams.
    * * * * * *
    "Healthy - Healthy - Healthy" (The Sun May 5th 2011)
    Doctors and Scientists at Strasbourg University in France have developed a really healthy
    drink that'll make you feel fu**ing GREAT! The drink is made up of 13 different fruits including,
    apples, grapes, blueberries, strawberries, lingonberries(?), aronia and acerola berries(?).
    That's some clever sh*t to do whilst claiming stacks from the French Government in University
    grants is that. They say that it can dramatically reduce peoples risk of developing heart disease,
    and it has passed a "taste test" of a panel of 80. "The drink contains a chemical called polyphenol
    which is dead good for you", said Doctor Cyril Auger, who helped to develop the drink. He added,
    "Berries are the best"
    Meanwhile, at the Cleethorpes College of Higher Education, teachers and pupils have been working
    on a drink to counteract the effects of the new French discovery. Armed with a Government Grant
    of half a million quid - the Cleethorpes Team mixed together liquid mercury, Domestos, Kiwi fruit,
    pure nicotine, shredded blue asbestos, plutonium, Dr. Pepper, Red Diesel, molten lead, car battery acid
    and Watneys Red Barrel - forming a refreshing drink that'll kill a human being in approximately fifteen
    seconds. The Cleethorpes team are sending a batch to their counterparts in Strasbourg University
    so that they can test it out.
    * * * * * *
  2. " LIDL presents - How to kill yourself" (The Sun May 5th 2011)
    Page 22 of The Sun boasts a full page advert for the supermarket chain, LIDL. Headlined
    *Inflation Busters*, the list of supersavers running from left to tight is a very detailed
    method of planning ones own demise.

    I shall explain;

    Take a portable BBQ to the beach, along with everything you purchased in your local
    branch of LIDL.

    "Fresh British Lean Steak Mince" £1.99 per pack (get a couple - make burgers and flash up the BBQ).
    "Fresh British Pork Belly Joint" £3.99 (One should be sufficient - chuck that on there as well)
    "El Tequito Tortilla Chips" £ (Price not shown) (Scoff a few bags whilst waiting for the meat to cook)
    "Muller 6-pack yoghurts" £3.28 (Buy one-get one free) (Scoff a dozen if you're peckish)
    "Vine loose tomatoes" £1.19 per kg (Nice with all that BBQ'd meat)
    "Blueberries" 99p per pack (Something to "pick")
    "Floralys Toilet Rolls" £3.49 per pack (Might need 'em after yomping all that yoghurt, fruit,
    Tortilla Chips and meat)
    "San Miguel" £8.99 for a case of FIFTEEN (Just see 'em off - not a problem. Thirsty work these
    BBQ's. Get two cases if you feel particularly parched)
    The final LIDL offer of the week in the bottom right hand corner of the advert is:
    "Crivit Diving and Snorkelling Set" £14.99 (Blaarrghhhh Fuggit! I'm not pissed, bloated me
    I'm I'm off for a ssss...a sss...a blearrrhhhh a-a bollocks!...Jaques Cousteau???
    ....fuggin nozzer!!!! I'm off snorkelling me!!"

    Best of luck.
    * * * * * *

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