I suffered the personal trauma of losing number 1 beret yesterday and am now faced with the difficulty of having to create a new one out of the fuzzy felt frisby that stores dish out these days. The question is, what look shall I go for this time? The Commando: Popular with the baby dabbers, a high crease pulled down over the beret badge and theright eye, normally stretched with cockloads of excess right down your ear. Sporters of this style thinks it makes them look hard. It makes them look like wannabe booty cnuts with poor depth perception due to only being able to see out of one eye. The Para: Favoured by many infanteers and now also the Pebble chimps. Sadly not yet seen in the Naval ranks, although the hilarity it would cause should be worth it. Badge over left ear, all excess pulled forward like a flat cap. The SWO would fcuking love that. The 90's ally: Shrank to fuck with no overhang whatsoever, my shape of choice for the last 12 years. The RAF "cyclops": No effort required, whack it on your bonce, beret badger right in the middle of your foreschwad like Tharg. The Tankie: Folded down on both sides and covered in oil. Again, the SWO would shit his pants, brilliant. The Jarhead: Simple. Whack a playing card behind the beret badge with the biggest fcuk off ski jump on it you can muster, the aim is to look like a starship trooper. And a cock. The "Somethings not quite right" Switcheroo: Assume normal beret procedures, but pull to left instead of the right. See how long it takes for anyone to notice. So which is it to be? Or are there any other suggestions you could put forward? It's a big decision.