Nearly killing Someone

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Joint_Force_Harrier, Jun 25, 2010.

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  1. When I was an instructor at the Sea Harrier training school we had to supply a team for the Commodores Cup competition.
    As we had control of all the Sea Harrier part 4’s on 899 Squadron we could use them to make up the teams before the training squadron had a pick.
    We made up a team but were one short, I was teaching so could not go down to the gym. I suggested we use AEM Bloggs (Name changed) as he was a bit of a sport Billy, field gun wannabe.

    I rang up the Reggie asked for Bloggs. “Eh up, Bloggies how do you fancy an afternoon off work, bit of exercise and a few beers after?†I asked.

    His reply was “Not too sure, not really interestedâ€

    I was shocked but persuaded him to pop down.

    Two hours later one of the instructors came back to the section and asked “Who was that c**k you sent down? Halfway through he collapsed and the medics were called and hauled him off to the bay, oxygen mask attachedâ€

    I was shocked and we had a look at the photo board, it the dawned on me we had two Bloggs; I had sent the Jonny Vegas version down.

    The poor bloke had 3 days off work, he left the mob after his return of service.
     
  2. Yes I had a near death experience once, at the hands(or paws ans jaws) of a fuckin great German Shepherd dog.

    The following is a true dit:-
    It shames me to tell that the friggin creature was mine, or at least lived in our house.
    My wife had developed a little game that she though hilarious, which to the rest in the house was irritating.
    She would if touched cuddled, groped, shout out noises like she was being hurt, aggghhh, etc. This would then trigger the dog to rush in and grab you and pull you away from the wife.
    One morning after the little livestock (kids) had been rounded up and dispatched to school, it was time for bedroom exercises.
    Just at the vital moment, my missus starts screaming, the dog misreads the signals, bursts in and bit my arse, and then my leg and arm.
    The bastard was serious, and to make matters worse, my missus could not stop laughing, until she realised what was really happening, and the blood started to flow.
    I got up off the bed to kick the shit out of him, and she says oh no he was just doing his job protecting me 8O 8O :oops:
     
  3. Methinks the dog wasn't "protecting" he was jealous !! Come on RR tell us the truth!!
     
  4. Maybe he was just threaders that you didn't include him in the morning exercise sesh.

    You haven't lived until you've had an Alsatian lick pedigree chum off your nuts while you pound your missus.
     
  5. Agreed the dog was just joining in.
     
  6. If you'd let the dog go first he might have been happier. You might have upset his morning routine when you were away.
     
  7. I was thinking more along the lines that he was jealous on discovering that his lord and master was being unfaithful to him :D
     
  8. After my missus sued for divorce, and the dog challenged me to a dual..

    Ok for fuck sake it was jealousy, you bastards know how to wear a man down :cry: :cry: :oops:
     
  9. I never touched that dog in the wrong way,...

    You can't prove fuck all V8, your guessing.. :oops: :roll:
     
  10. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    I suppose my first near death experiance was as a nod doing grenade training (we were only 16) little welsh lad couldn't clear the trench with his throw so it bounced back in and landed at his feet, being a budding young thrusting hero my immidiate thought was "best of luck with that" and I got the fcuk out the way whilst a Cpl dived in and dragged him out the way of the blast.
    My second was a nail bomb going pop instead of bang.
    My third was a week before I got married, I stayed around the future missus Blobbs house with her mum an dad. I got bored so nailed a bottle of port. I then got naked and ran around the house because the Germans were chasing me, I finally managed to evade them and hide in the flower bed on the front lawn.................it wasn't pretty.
     
  11. Telling them there are some Jews outside having a good time generally does the trick.
     
  12. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    I didn't, the buggers must have been chased out the house at the same time as the future mother in law chased me out.

    She never told me tho, mind you she didn't really talk to me for a good year after that, a lot to be said for getting naked. :p
     

  13. Fuckin hell thats spooky, and would be very similar to my story except ...I didn't marry your missus, don't know where she lives, and believe this or not, there are absolutely no Germans whatsoever in or near my house.
     
  14. Post of the week. :lol:

    Have a prize:
    [​IMG]
     
  15. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    Spooky, no boxheads here either..........
     
  16. I'll tell you something really amazing blobby, and please dont think I'm blagging this,
    Two weeks ago I was in Hamburg, and the place was absolutely rammed with 'em, they was everywhere. All the locals could spreken Zea deutsch as well. Amazing 8O
     
  17. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    Hell, RR thats awful. The RAF assured us they'd sorted that.
     
  18. Yeah one of them crabs told me it wouldn't hurt when he shoved something in my arse.
    To this day I always thought it felt big for a tetanus jab. :oops: :roll: :D
     
  19. I went to Germany once.
     
  20. wet_blobby

    wet_blobby War Hero Moderator

    Respect, you took one for Team Navy, Cool. :lol
     

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