[align=justify]My worst run ashore was in Belgium. Actually, it was a bloody good run ashore but turned ape.
My oppo and me got slaughtered on the local hooch. Come closing time we'd taken a fancy to the armchair in the back room. We thought it would look smart in the mess, so up it comes onto our shoulders. We legs it away to shouts that the police had been called. Two minutes down the road and we decide that itâ€™s a heavy bugger so we dump it onto a box hedge.
We're a good 30 miles from the ship and we've missed the last train. We decide to hitch and set off along an empty main road, on what we thought was the pavement.
Ten minutes later and I'm twenty feet in the air, before coming down like a sack of spuds. My oppo is in hysterics. We'd been waling on the motorbike lane and I'd just been rear ended by a Belgium kamikaze pilot.
While my oppo remains in hysterical laughter, I'm sat on the deck searching for the arse of my bell-bottoms, which are now wrapped around the front wheel of the bike. I'm dazed and too pissed to do much about it.
And then joy! Flashing lights are seen in the distance. It's an ambulance. I'm about to be rescued and my bum put back in order.
Alas, behind the ambulance is a cop car. And while oppo and me are bundled into the cop car, the two occupants of the bike, healthy and walking, are nursed into the ambulance.
It was a bit of a dizzy ride to the cop station but I recall there was a cop on every corner holding some light stick thing to speed us on our way.
In the cop station, my oppo is mumbling things like, "Tell them you're British. Tell them you want to see someone from the Consulate." And other unhelpful remarks.
I tell them I would like to see a doctor.
And I did! He came with a great big needle and took a blood sample. Actually, there was so much blood dripping down my arm and over my fingers, I think he just slashed my wrist and filled a cup.
After many hours we were released into the capable hands of the MPs, who were actually very kind.
A few days later I was charged with jaywalking. Tried in my absence, I was banned from Belgium for 5 years.
On the bright side, we did get that lift back to the ship.[/align]