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sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
I am married to a Taiwanese lady and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride? I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
Luke Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on theGloucester Road.
Alan J., London

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found him quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. If they are caught, I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Our family never worry about the destination when we're going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so we spend most of the time in customs.
Eamonn Bashakird

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas Jeans, Plymouth

I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the side with a key.
Christina Martin, St Albans

I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping them. Bernie Ecclestone will have to think again.
Aardvark Mansell

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel, Motherwell

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem, Loughborough

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways. While eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful I was able to spell 'Hitler is nice' by using z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth, Bridgend

My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things that I haven't done. I wish they'd make their minds up.
Arnold Shoes, Ipswich

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' sang the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling'. I reckon the relationship is dead in the water. They should end it now before they both get hurt.
Mason Rumpunter, Whitehaven

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary John Reid say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. Has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
 

slim

War Hero
Fantastic as only Classic Viz could be.
However why do I find the newer issues somewhat lacking in content compared with the earlier editions?
 
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