Extracts from the diary of an Englishman abroad (Scotland)
December 20th:- Its started to SNOW! The first of the season & the first weve seen for years. The wife & I took our hot toddies & sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Its so beautiful & peaceful. How lucky we are to have moved from the south to the Highlands of Scotland .
December 24th:-We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering the fabulous landscape. Just what we always dreamed Scotland would be like. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it! I did both our driveway and our pavement. Later a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled & waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
December 26th:-It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around -8c.Several branches on our trees & bushes snapped off due to the weight of snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by & did his trick again, much of the snow is brownish-grey with yellow patches!
January 1st:- Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the drive, nothing broken but Â£100 to a Physio. More snow & ice expected.
January 5th:-Still cold. Sold the wifes car and bought her a Landrover to get her to her work.. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt, iced up slush, locks are frozen solid and wiper blades are stuck to the screens. More shovelling in store for now. The bastard snowplough came by twice today.
January 9th:-More f----ing snow! Not a bush or tree on our property that has not been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly burnt the house down.. I managed to put the flames out but lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows and suffered second degree burns to my hands. (Car hit a f----ing deer on the way to the hospital and was written off.)
January 13th:-F----ing bastard white sh-- keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the post box. If I ever catch that arsehole that drives the f----ing snowplough Ill chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think he hides round the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then comes down the road at 100mph and buries the f----ing driveway again.
January 17th:-16 more f----ing inches of f----ing snow and f----ing sleet and f----ing ice and god knows what other kind of white sh-- fell last night.. I managed to wound that bastard of a snowplough driver with an ice-axe but he got away. F----ing car wont start. I think Im going snow-blind. I cant move my f----ing toes, I think its frostbite. Havent seen the sun in weeks. More f----ing snow forecast. Temperature -20 degrees C. F--- this Im moving to Australia !
~ Diary of a Mad Shoveller (or Scot moves to Ontario) ~
December 8: 6:00 P.M. It started to snow The first snowfall
of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic.
We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I have ever had! Shovelled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry. We will
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that is
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight degrees last night.
The temperature dropped to minus twenty. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplough came back in the afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to do
quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra
snow shovels. Stocked the freezer too. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think she is silly.
After all, we aren't in Alaska.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the
ice in the driveway while I was trying to put down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think she's very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. I guess I should have bought a wood stove,
but I won't admit that to her. God, I hate it when she is right.
Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Damn
snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they are
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and have ran out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I will have to shovel or the city
will bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time
I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
I tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And, it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she fuckin nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago. She said she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplough, I broke
the shovel. I though I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the SOB who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow
by his family jewels. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shovelling and than he comes down the street at a
100 miles and hour and throws snow all over where I have just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplough.
December 25: Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darned slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow. Then, the snowplough driver came by and asked
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here?
It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. The wife is
driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches of snow. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it will collapse. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am????? I think heâ€™s lying!
December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplough driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to
her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what was left of the house. No more
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?